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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father’s Day gift for DSD

29 replies

Herewegoagain123 · 10/06/2019 16:33

DSD is 15. She has a job in a local restaurant weekends and holidays. There’s a long story but cutting it short we don’t get on all that well, polite, and tolerate each other for DH’s sake. This is years down the line of me trying everything but facing a brick wall of hostility.

I never hear from her, all contact is through her dad. If I’m in on her visits, I cook her food, make her comfortable at home, ensure she has everything she needs but she rarely speaks
To me, preferring to whisper to her dad. There’s tonnes of stuff I could write but I’ve disengaged mostly, make myself scarce and we all get by.

The ONLY time she messages me is Christmas, dads birthday and father’s day. She has a small amount of money from her job and her school is in a busy town where she goes every lunchtime and after school. She’s messaged asking me to get him something for father’s day, card and present, as she does every Christmas and birthday.

AIBU in telling her to sort this herself now she’s getting older? Even a box of cheap chocs would mean a lot more Than something I’d bought.

She’s quite mature for her age and incredibly manipulative.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 10/06/2019 16:36

I would do that - tell her she is able to get stuff herself now.

I would probably tell your DH about it as well. He needs to face up to the difficulties this gives you.

EnglishRose13 · 10/06/2019 16:36

Who organises presents for her mum?

If she's old enough to earn money, she's old enough to buy Father's Day gifts herself.

Herewegoagain123 · 10/06/2019 16:38

I don’t know who sorts mother’s day for her, but thinking probably grandmother on mother’s side?

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 10/06/2019 16:46

If she's old enough to go into town herself and she has a job she is old enough to sort out a card and present for her Dad.
She will likely respect you more for not allowing her to use you.
Tell her Dad what you are doing though as otherwise she will make it backfire on to you as to why he has no card or gift!

Herewegoagain123 · 10/06/2019 16:51

That’s what I’m worried about, if I say no she’ll make it sound like I wouldn’t help her. DH is aware of our strained relationship, he’s not really fussed about FD, I’m probably more worried about it than him and him not being left without even a card.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 10/06/2019 16:53

Does she pay you back?
Father’s is this Sunday I think perhaps do it this time then say next time you can do it.

Herewegoagain123 · 10/06/2019 16:56

No she won’t pay me back.
She’s very entitled with very few basic manners.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 10/06/2019 16:57

Seriously - either you or your DH needs to tell his child that her behaviour is insulting to you, and is not on. It doesn't sound like your husband wants to confront it, but it should have been stamped out years ago. In My Opinion

19lottie82 · 10/06/2019 16:59

Fathers day is this Sunday I think perhaps do
it this time

Why???? She has SIX days!

Lllot5 · 10/06/2019 16:59

I wouldn’t do it any more. By the the time my own children were 15 they were buying their own presents and cards. Let alone buying for someone else’s kid.

UnicornDust9 · 10/06/2019 17:00

No. I’d text her back saying that she’s old enough to sort it herself now so she can grab something while in town after work.

HomeMadeMadness · 10/06/2019 17:02

I would phrase it carefully. Say that her dad would really appreciate it if she chose something herself as it won't mean anything coming from you - maybe offer to help her pick something out (although by the sounds of it she won't take you up on that offer). I think at 15 regardless of your relationship she should be able to pick her own dad a gift out and use her money to buy it.

llangennith · 10/06/2019 17:19

I think I'd just ignore the request. Respond to other messages but ignore any message concerning you sorting out her Father's Day gift to him.

HowDidItEndUpLikeThis · 10/06/2019 17:22

Definitely tell her as politely as possible that now that she is working and can get into town, it would be easier for her to sort and would mean a lot to her Dad if she chose it herself.

Herewegoagain123 · 14/06/2019 19:33

Update - I am beyond cross.

I bought the Father's Day gifts for DSD as I didn't want to rock our already very unstable boat any further. I felt I'd already committed to her that I would so to keep the peace I did.

I gave the gifts and card to her to write and wrap. We have her EOW and this weekend is not our weekend. She won't see her father until next week now. Guess what, the presents and card have disappeared, no message from her to say she'll give them to dad next week. She is definitely not planning on seeing him before the next visit.

All she had to do was give the gifts to him. Selfish little madam, she didn't even say thank you. Rant over.

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 14/06/2019 19:36

Tell her shes to get it herself next year. Tell your partner that too.

Herewegoagain123 · 14/06/2019 19:39

This won't happen again. She's working and can get her own presents for her dad from now on. Sorry I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 16/06/2019 09:49

'I gave the gifts and card to her to write and wrap. We have her EOW and this weekend is not our weekend. She won't see her father until next week now. Guess what, the presents and card have disappeared, no message from her to say she'll give them to dad next week. She is definitely not planning on seeing him before the next visit.'

And this bit is strange

As on this thread you say they are in her room.

Herewegoagain123 · 16/06/2019 09:50

I found them in her room! It’s not rocket science!

OP posts:
thefavourite · 16/06/2019 09:52

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3613506-To-be-mad-at-step-children-on-father-s-day

Gosh, you really don't like them/her, do you? I think you sound a bit over invested in Fathers Day and should get a hobby!

SandyY2K · 16/06/2019 09:56

So you found them after you thought they disappeared?

The best thing is to tell her (before his birthday or Christmas) that as she's working, and is old enough to chose something for her dad, she can sort it out going forwards.

I'd be tempted to text her and say she must have forgotten to make sure her dad got the gift today, so you'll give it to him on her behalf.

That may prompt her to ask what you were doing in her bedroom though...so if you had yo snoop for the gift and card ... you may want to rethink doing that.

Ghanagirl · 16/06/2019 10:01

@Herewegoagain123
Oh dear...

Oakmaiden · 16/06/2019 13:21

This doesn't make much sense to me - and I very rarely pick posts apart. But if you have her every other weekend but not this weekend, then you must have had her last weekend. She asked you on Monday (after the weekend you had had her) to get a card and gift on her behalf. Fine.

But since she is only with you at the weekend, how did you manage to give them to her? And for her to leave them in her room? Surely she was at her mum's all week?

Because if the fact is that you bought them but haven't seen her since, then she probably assumed you would give them to him on her behalf.

Otherwise none of it makes any sense.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/06/2019 13:52

OP Flowers It's beyond frustrating when you've tried with step-children, and all you get back is hostility. This is the straw, the fathers day thing, and unless you've had the continuous drip-drip of endless drama and hostility, despite helping out many times, whilst parenting your own kids, you maybe don't realise how soul-destroying it is Sad

Banhaha · 16/06/2019 14:02

I know it must be frustrating when you've tried to help but that last little bit of actually giving the present to him hasn't happened. Maybe there are reasons, maybe right now she just doesn't feel like giving it to him?Maybe she's forgotten? But ultimately fathers day his between her and her dad. I'd get her dad to talk her at some point that she's old enough to buy her own presents and cards etc now and leave it at that. If nothing happens and your partner gets upset then that's nothing to do with you. It's not your responsibility to nurture their relationship- just don't stand in the way or make it harder.