I feel like leaving

[hadenoughofficial]

I'm getting to the stage where I feel like leaving. It sounds terrible but I feel as though living like this for any longer will destroy me.

My children 10 & 12 have no respect for me, they're constantly arguing and fighting. Treating me like dirt and screaming and shouting at me. They don't do anything I say. I feel as though I've lost them. I feel like I've lost myself.
I used to be so different, I loved parenting, I found it easy..ish. I'd throw myself into their activities and go above and beyond where their lives were concerned. Getting involved in school life, hosting sleepovers and impromptu garden parties for their friends in our neighbourhood.
It all changed when they hit about 9. To the point now where I barely leave the house and spend as little time as possible with them. I very rarely even let their friends in the house anymore. I just feel like I'm going through the motions of life. Even one of their mutual friends has commented on how much my two argue with eachother.
Basically they house is like a warzone. They were better behaved when they were toddlers.
My husband does anything for an easy life. Basically he does whatever shuts them up the quickest. He seems to favour one of the children. I've pulled him up on this multiple times. Nothing changes.

I just don't think I can do this anymore. I feel like I am depressed. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. I often wake up to them screaming at eachother and when I try to sort it out doors get slammed in my face. They've just gone back to school and i'm dreading the summer holidays.

As I write this I just want to cry. This isn't the mother I thought I'd be. This isn't the mother I was 2 years ago!
I feel I have let everyone down. I worry they're going to grow up with problems because of the way I am now because of their behaviour towards me and eachother.

Any advice?

Oh op l feel so sorry for you, l have two 11 and 13 and they always got along until my DD turned 12, puberty came along and she hated her brother. Perfectly natural.

BUT what has helped us is that my DH is very tough on discipline, and l am very consistent too...your problem is your DH, he is undermining your aurhority and your DC see that they can behave how they want because of him, it leaves you in a near impossible situation...l would find that intolerable, parenting is tough enough without that.

In our house the very first time my DD yelled meanly at her brother for little reason, my DH walked over to her with a face like thunder and said in a low voice 'this will not be tolerated in this house if you do it again your phone will be taken away for a week'.

of course she did and lost her phone for a week....she was DEVASTATED, cried, he sent her to her room, begged, he said 'no you knew the consequences' after day three she was back to her normal happy self...got her phone back after a week and has learnt her lesson....now if she is irritable with DS as soon as it starts with snapping, one of us will warn her to walk away if she is cross and come back once calm. Same with Ds....

Harsh but both DH and l refuse to live in a warzone at home, we don't speak to them rudely and won't tolerate it back....or to each other.

It only works because we are both in agreement and always back each other up......can you show your Dh this thread to let him see how desperate you are feeling?

Would it help to go away for 24 hours and leave him in charge?

Would he go to councelling with you to discuss it?

Are you otherwise happy with him?

Yes everything else is fine. I will show him the thread. But I doubt much will change. I don't see it getting better. It's only going to get worse as they get older.
I just feel so helpless

Ive tried different punishments for their behaviour. Mainly grounding. They don't seem to care. They do their time. Making my life hell in the process as per and then it's over.
My husband's views on grounding differ to mine.

Grounding to me is they stay in the house other than to go to school or a club that I've paid for (coz I'm not wasting my money because of their choices.)

Grounding to him is they don't see their friends but they can play in the house, garden and go on bike rides with him.

They see this difference in opinion and push the boundaries as much as they can because of it. Their behaviour is getting worse because of it. It's infuriating but there's nothing I can do to change it.

You did to find some strength and get very angry. They are taking the puss out of you because you are a nice, kind person. Somehow you’ve got to find some fire inside and start coming down on them like a ton of bricks.

*need

Plus your husband has to also step up so they can’t play you off against each other. If he refuses then yep, leave.

No advice here .... parenting teenagers is hell and what works on one falls flat on another. I also have a difference of opinion with my DH about discipline and my kids use it to their full advantage...

Be consistent ... be calm (shouting is when you have ‘lost’)

I feel like I do though. I'm constantly losing my shit with them. But it makes no difference. They don't give a shit.
My youngest is the worst. She's daddy's golden girl. Can do no wrong. It's always the eldests fault in his eyes. I can tell who he is speaking to just by the time of his voice.
He says it's in my head. It isn't. It's affecting dd1 in her relationship with him. She isn't stupid. She feels 2nd best.

The youngest just can't wait for daddy to come home every evening coz I am the meanest mother ever.

Tone*

I think you need to start with sitting down with your husband and showing him this thread or telling him how you feel honestly. You do definately need to agree on rules boundaries and punishments and both be consistent. And this includes a zero tolerance approach to them speaking to you like they do.
You need to try and spend some quality time with them individually and try and make some time for yourself to get away from the house.
Also, pick your battles. You cant battle every thing all day every day. Start with one thing, maybe respect for one another including you.

You're right smartie. And tbh. I think it mainly boils down to respect. Well lack of. If they had respect for me, eachother, the house etc. I think everything else would fall into place or atleast make everything else a lot more bearable.

I've try speaking to him again. But even if he agrees. His good intentions will go out of the window after no time at all and I'll be back to square one.

The favouriting by your is doing you no favours at all. It was like this growing up for me and my Dsis. We were probably as bad as your children and I hated her. She was our DF's favourite and it was obvious to the point that everyone commented on it.

My DM had enough and they split. Since then we're so close and get on so well. I couldn't see it back then because I was a child but how my sister was treated compared to me made me hate her.

I don't see my Dad when my Dsis is around apart from big family occasions and my Dsis and I get on very well now.

I'm not saying this is the answer but the fact there is a golden child will be causing resentment.

It is hard to change behaviours and patterns of behaviour but i would hope if you tell him what you have written here, that you want to leave, you dont want to get out of bed and you avoid them then hopefully he will realise how low you feel and want to support you.

Maybe if you show him this thread he'll agree to some family counselling?

This might be a stupid idea...but could you sit down and draw up some family rules together? Agree some simple rules for acceptable behaviour like no shouting or physical violence or stealing etc. Agree there wont be any 'who's fault is it' to stop the favouritism. And agree on appropriate consequences. Swearing - time out in own rooms for half an hour, or fighting - own rooms for an hour with no devices and no TV that evening or whatever. Write it down and all sign it. Maybe it will be easier to be consistent if everything has been agreed in advance?

Favouritism is going to really hurt both of them in the long run though. It's hard if he cant see it so noting some examples might help? Was there favourites in his family?

I've told him how I feel so many times. I tell him I don't wanna get out of bed and he just says I'm lazy. I tell him I try to avoid them and I just want to leave and he just walks away. Either he thinks im over reacting and being stupid or he doesnt care.

I think I just either have to resign myself to the fact that this is my life now or leave. I'd feel sorry for my eldest if I do though.
Dh and I have argued about this in the past. I said id just leave and take her with me. But I won't want to be responsible for splitting everyone up. And unlike him. I don't have favourites, as much as it makes him feel better to think I do.

I honestly think you have a DH problem and not a DC problem. His lack of respect for you is breathtaking.

I'd be leaving and taking the girls with me.

This is affecting your mood, soon your mental health. Couple counselling. Asap.

This sound very hard. It does sound like the failure of your husband to back you up, combined with his golden child / scapegoat dynamic, is making things harder for you. Do you think he would do some kind of parenting course / counselling about this, or even be open to talking to you privately? I am unsure how these things arise- why it happens but have heard of it before.

I have just been reading the Phillipa Perry book The book you wish your parents had read...anyway it was saying the age your DC are makes you think of how things were for you at that age. Could that be of any relevence to you. I noticed you mention you sued to do more with them when they were younger. Often, children can act up for negative attention when they are not getting plenty of 1:1 positive attention, from both parents. Maybe fi you and he work together you could develop this, maybe he could focus on the one he doesn't favour as much. I'm not sure. It doesn't sound very healthy though to be honest.

I said id just leave and take her with me.

That to me sounds like you have a favourite also, no? You don't say both of them...

Another vote for family counselling and/or a parenting course. Also, it sounds like you may have depression and your DH doesn't understand that. Talk to you GP and/or get some counselling of your own?

How do your DC behave at school? Are the problems with their behaviour confined to home?

Go to gp
Ask about any teenage parenting cvpyrses you and dh can go on together and ask school they may be running courses
Get "how to talk so teens will listen"

Choose your battles

OP, I really feel for you. That must be so difficult for you.

Parenting is hard enough at times without feeling undermined constantly by the person who should have your back.

I have a very good marriage and husband but I was bad cop at one point too much with my eldest and I let my husband know very clearly one particular time I had enough of him leaving me too it. I was very clear that I would put myself and my other two children first if necessary. My dh knew I was serious.

Yours is a selfish twat.

Maybe it would make sense to suggest ye take a child each.

You clearly are very distressed and it sounds as if you have low level depression from this constant conflict. Not difficult to understand at all. It's exhausting.

If you are being treated with such contemptuous disregard by your children, perhaps you need to sit down with them and let them know how you are feeling.

I certainly wouldn't want to be around children who treated me like that.

Mothers are human. We have feelings and maybe they need reminding with a sharp shock.

Sit with Dh and figure out their currency, every kid has one. It's that thing they want/love can't do without the most.
That is what you use to stop the nasty behaviour. It might be a phone/x-box/something.
Grounding doesn't work if they just stay home and make life miserable.
Then you and Dh need to agree on the plan, what is and isn't aceptable and what the consequences will be (and for how long).
Be forewarned they will up the anti and behave worse before they fall in line, they are testing you both to see if you will cave. Don't cave. YOU MUST BOTH STAY STRONG AND BACK EACH OTHER UP.
You have to put in the hard work now or they will just become worse and be unbearable older teens who really make life hell.

My child was 18 when we were in conflict
and it wasn't about favourites at all.

I think your husband having a favourite is just dreadful.

I said id take the eldest with me as I don't think I could leave her with dh and his favourite. And I definately couldn't take them both the way they are with eachother. As I write this, the youngest is trying to force the eldest to do something she doesn't want to do. A chair has been thrown.