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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I am getting enough support

27 replies

FluffyTabbycat · 10/06/2019 10:47

Hi just want to get others advice opinions on if they think in getting enough help off OH
Just feel like I'm about flat today and I'm wondering if this is why
So our day goes
I set alarm for 7
Get up with baby
Wake up 7 YO dd
Get breakfast for DD
Coffee for me and hubby
Get baby's bottle
Go up stairs with breakies coffee bottle
DD has her breakie
Hubby has coffee
I feed baby bottle
Then I sit baby in bed with hubby
Make sure 7 yo getting dressed for school
Get my self ready
Leave baby in house with hubby
Take DD to school
Come home
DH has usual half heartedly got bby to sleep he asses her to me she wakes up , with wind etc
I change bby
DH makes him self another breakfast
He goes to gym
I clear house best I can with baby
Ie. breakfast dishes hoover hang out washing make beds
He comes home from gym
Baby has sleep in her room
Excuse the next part
He initiates sex
It usually happens
He gets showerd
I see to baby who is usual due to wake up
He gos to work .... Starts at 2 pm
I give baby meal
And then pick up dd from school
Come home or park if nice weather
Tea
Bath
Story's
Bottles
Bed
With lots of crying tired kids in-between all of the above.
Kids in bed
I tidy round a bit
Have a shower
Watch a hour or so of TV
Go to bed
DH comes In From work at 11
Moans his feet hurt
He Has a shower he goes to bed
I wake 2 times thru night with baby.
And alarm goes off at 7.
Is this fair

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyTabbycat · 10/06/2019 10:50

I wish he worked 9-5, I feel like I can get a thing done with him around the house every day untill 2 pm
He works weekend too
So we don't ever do anything together
Gets a cupple days of through the week were we go for a walk or food shopping

OP posts:
babysharkah · 10/06/2019 10:50

It's difficult to understand - but if he is out from 2, he can't do any of the afternoon / evening stuff can he? Where do you feel you need the support?

I'd tell him to fuck off re the sex and get some sleep if you are tired and stop making him coffee in bed!

Original poster
FluffyTabbycat · 10/06/2019 10:52

I dunno I think I just wish he had 9-5
So I could get into a nice routine through the day
And get support with bed times
I'm just being a moan probably
Sorry
Just needed to vent
One of those days

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/06/2019 10:56

It seems you don’t leave the house other than for the school run.

Where are your rhyme time, baby groups, coffee with friends, seeing your mum/sister/aunt, going to the museum, library, shopping etc?

Why aren’t you leaving the house? It looks like your purpose is to be at home to tidy and have sex with your partner Sad

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/06/2019 10:59

It doesn’t sound too bad. I suppose you could ask him to do more housework/childcare in the late morning.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 10/06/2019 11:00

How old is your baby? Could DH do the morning school run?

InDubiousBattle · 10/06/2019 11:01

Could you take the baby on the school run with you, then go to a group of some sort? This would let your dh sleep a bit longer and go to the gym so if you came home at lunch time he could take the baby for a while whilst you do a quick clean or vice versa plus give you an hour to do something yourself?

FriarTuck · 10/06/2019 11:03

Cut out the sex and you'll have a couple of extra minutes to stick the hoover round while he's looking after the baby! And the coffee is optional. Otherwise I can't really see the problem unless you're wanting to go to the gym or do something yourself in which case agree with him a time when he'll stay home with the baby.

Twotinydictators · 10/06/2019 11:03

It does sound like a typical day for a SAHM - the monotony and fitting tasks in whilst juggling the kids. Although he should be making the morning coffees and bottle if he gets to go to the gym most mornings and he should also have a proportion of the household chores - you shouldn't do everything because you don't work.

I would imagine you are quite lonely if you are managing the kids the majority of the week and weekend (unless you are very social and get out with family and friends a lot?). If you are lonely and bored you need to find some ways to address that - can you not do something for yourself a couple of times a week instead of him going to the gym? You need to look after yourself too...

You should only be having sex if you want to, if you're doing it to please him this will likely build resentment. Flowers

FriarTuck · 10/06/2019 11:04

Or like a PP said, get him to take DD to school and then go to the gym, while you stay home with the baby and get some jobs done.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/06/2019 11:05

I would change the following things in your list:

I set alarm for 7
Get up with baby get your husband up too- he can help do breakfast. Make bed straight away
Wake up 7 YO dd get her dressed and get her to make her own bed before she comes down. You dress baby while DD is dressing
Get breakfast for DD
Coffee for me and hubby
Get baby's bottle
Go up stairs with breakies coffee bottle stop taking breakfast upstairs to everyone. Breakfast is at the table and the dishes get washed straight away- this means you don’t have to come back later to wash them all.
DD has her breakie
Hubby has coffee
I feed baby bottle
Then I sit baby in bed with hubby
Make sure 7 yo getting dressed for school
Get my self ready
Leave baby in house with hubby send hubby on school run instead- baby stays, goes down for sleep properly winded, and you get dressed. Husband goes straight to gym from school run. You hang washing. hoover. Have a leisurely tea then head out to a baby group, meet a friend etc.

Everything below is already done now Smile

Take DD to school
Come home
DH has usual half heartedly got bby to sleep he asses her to me she wakes up , with wind etc
I change bby
DH makes him self another breakfast
He goes to gym
I clear house best I can with baby
Ie. breakfast dishes hoover hang out washing make beds

Drogosnextwife · 10/06/2019 11:09

Why are you taking everyone breakfast in bed every morning? Surely he could do a baby deed while you get some coffee and sort dd? Does he look for sex everytime he comes back from the gym. I would be telling him where to go (that would be the sink to do some dishes or outside to hang up some washing)

Aprillygirl · 10/06/2019 11:11

So he does absolutely nothing to help out when he's home? Of course that isn't fair. I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a pig OP and I don't know why you would want to have daily sex with someone like that eww.

IsabellaLinton · 10/06/2019 11:12

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a lazy sod. I couldn’t put up with this. It makes me so angry just to read.

From the time he wakes up in the morning until 2PM he does bugger all to help you with the home or the children. I’m all for people having hobbies and a life outside the home, but it’s the height of selfishness to toddle off to the gym every day when your help is needed at home.

Seriously, my DH works shifts, similar hours to yours, and it wouldn’t occur to him to behave this way. He’s not home in the evenings but while he is at home, he’s nothing but helpful and useful. I don’t think you’d necessarily feel better if he had a 9-5 job - the problem is that he doesn’t pull his weight, whatever time he’s at home.

purplecatt · 10/06/2019 11:13

He should get up in the morning and help with the routine. Basically if you switch it around, and imagine he worked 9-5 then the morning is his evening. I'd expect him to be involved in the nighttime routine and dinner if he was working 9-5. At the moment he does neither. And you're handing him coffee in bed! I'd tell him to fuck off too with the mid morning sex and go have a nap.

Original poster
FluffyTabbycat · 10/06/2019 11:15

Everyone thank you so much, your responses are really helpful especially @ilovdemaxbondi @twotinydictators And funny Smile keep them comming you have turned my drab morning around xx

OP posts:
namynom · 10/06/2019 11:15

I can’t believe people are saying this is normal! I’m a sahm and no that would not be anything like a normal day for me. My DH works a couple of days from 2 actually as well and since he won’t be there to do bedtimes on those days he gets up with DC in the morning and supervises dressing etc. I have a shower then we all have breakfast together. If there’s things to do in the house we share it out 50/50 then go out and about, spend a few hours together before he goes to work.

I don’t have a baby so this is obviously a big difference but there’s no reason why you couldn’t take baby out with you and have a bit of family time together before work, or even a bit of time off for you eg. he takes baby to the pool before he goes to work. Does he go to the gym everyday? I feel like that’s a luxury someone with young dc can’t really afford! It means you aren’t getting any time off at all which is totally unfair to you.

Original poster
FluffyTabbycat · 10/06/2019 11:20

I don't get anytime off @nanynom
I actually said to him earlier
I'm just a bit flat I haven't had break since baby was born
(6 month) xx

OP posts:
namynom · 10/06/2019 11:46

What did he say? You absolutely need some time to yourself, by six months this shouldn’t be a problem. Also spending naptime every day having sex seems like pure madness to me! Maybe on DH’s day off when he would be there to help the rest of the day that might be nice but not when he’s already lay in bed then been out to gym and then going to work.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 10/06/2019 11:54

YANBU.
He's a pig.
I wouldn't be making him any coffee and certainly no sex if he will not help out.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/06/2019 13:10

I’ve just decided you shouldn’t hoover. He should hoover when he comes back from the gym.

I’m also tempted to suggest he doesn’t go to the gym every day, but every other day and you get to go off without the baby on the days he doesn’t gym.

Pa1oma · 10/06/2019 13:44

The thing is OP, if he did a 9-5, he’d be gone in the morning which would mean you’d have to take the baby on the school run too which is much more of a palaver, especially if it’s raining or in the winter. Then he’d still be coming home at 6 or whatever, moaning his feet hurt and going to the gym.

The early years are tough, for sure. I had about ten years of this with 4 DC, but DH would be out from 7am till 8/9pm and then coming in moaning about work, expecting dinner to be served to him and initiating sex when I was like a zombie. He didn’t work weekends though and I think this is where things are particularly difficult for you. Does he need to work 7 days per week? If he had at least one day off you could tell him you are about to have a meltdown and lick yourself away for half a day. This is what I used to do occasionally.

Also, could you get out and about s bit more with the baby? Meet up with other mums? It’s not exactly hsndsfree tome but it’s s break from the house and good fun too. We used to take it in turns to host coffee mornings and just put all the babies on the rug to roll about or whatever. Also, I did some kind of group every day or I would have gone mental.

If you can get a cleaner, then do get one. Not only will the cleaning be fine but it will also most likely force you out the house.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 10/06/2019 13:55

So your DH gets breakfast brought to him in bed every morning, gets to go to the gym every day? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Your DH and your 7 year old are more than capable of coming downstairs for their breakfast, you're not their maid. He gets the 7yo's breakfast while you feed baby or vice versa. He goes to the gym every other day. On the days he doesn't go to the gym he takes the baby while you have break. You should also take it in turns to do the school run since he's home. You mention that it's him who initiates the sex during baby's nap time but it's not clear if it "usually happens" because you want it or if you're just going along with it. If you're too tired or just don't feel like it for any reason then I hope you're not feeling pressured.

namynom · 10/06/2019 16:49

pa1oma when my DH is working in the evening he helps with the morning routine, when he’s working during the day he does bedtime routine, he also does bedtime on his days off as I do it 4 nights a week. He understands that being alone with young children all day is exhausting. I don’t think he’s some kind of hero he’s just pitching in when he’s not at work the same way I would if I was a WOHM.

Life with young children is challenging but it doesn’t have to be a drudgery. I think if that’s the case it’s usually because someone isn’t pulling their weight.

namynom · 10/06/2019 16:50

I do agree though it’s not his working hours that are the problem! It’s the fact that he’s not pitching good in.