To be annoyed with sexism in DS's nursery

[serensiren]

On Mother's Day, mums we're invited to my DS's nursery for a coffee morning between 9-11 am.
For Father's Day in a couple of weeks, the invitation reads: pop by for a donut and coffee with your little one before you head off to work. Time: 7.30 am.

Why is it assumed that dads have work to go to but mums don't? Does anyone else experience this from their children's nurseries? This is my first child and his first year at nursery so it's all new to me and frankly I feel quite insulted! AIBU to feel this way and mention this blatant sexism to them? Or will I just be seen as 'that mum' 🙄🙄

YANBU The time is sexist. Making it convenient for men who need to get off to work but forcing working women to take time off work if they want to attend.

I think the choice of food isn't really relevant

My DS' school constantly has things on at 2pm

That's really unfair to all working mothers/mothers that can't just turn up during the work day. Yes I'd mention it!

Sexism at nursery you say

On Friday my daughter fell and bumped her head. I got a phone call, after they'd tried to call my wife whose the primary number on the profile.
The phone call went
Hello Mr
Don't worry but your daughter's had a slight fall and banged her head, we've put a clod compress on it, but can you please get * mum to call us"

WTAF. You're currently talking to her dad, you know the guy that picks her up each evening.

My DS' school constantly has things on at 2pm
Presumably because there is a directed time budget for staff and school staff can't be directed to work beyond those hours. Starting an event at a time convenient for those who work means say starting at 3pm so that's 3 hours trapped time that comes out the budget, then the hours of the event. That's time that can't be spent on CPD, pastoral training etc. What about childcare in those 3 hours? What do the kids do in the meantime? What if they get school transport so can't be part of it on an evening?
People choose to have children and part of that is that's school things happen in the school day.

My son's nursery did a father's Day lunch and my DP was the only one to turn up :( it really annoyed him that more dad's didn't make the effort.

The mother's Day one was a roaring success.

So I think it's less about the nursery and more about how mum's and dad's treat these events

Down with the patriarchy!

Don't worry but your daughter's had a slight fall and banged her head, we've put a clod compress on it, but can you please get mum to call us"

That's really weird and actually... Well, horrible. It sounds nearly too unreasonable to be true. (not doubting you btw)

Lolasmiles no - I take my job very seriously, I've worked hard to get to where I am and I enjoy it, it's a part of my identity. But I would also take the time off to spend with my DS if I felt he would be left out if I didn't attend. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Confusedmisfit hmm interesting to see it works both ways. This thread has been an eye opener for me!

well, my eldest pre-school had a "boys' books box" and a "girls' books box", the boys were all dinosaurs and diggers books, and maddeningly science books, the girls had unicorns, fairies and my little pony... when I complained I was told it was not an issue because it was not compulsory for the kids to pick from the proper box, just a suggestion to make it easier

sexism shapes society, why would we expect it not to be present in childcare settings?

My children's primary school did Mother's Day lunch and Father's Day early breakfast. I assume that that they had some logic to it. They couldn't accommodate younger siblings, so I missed nearly every single one as I had younger children and when they attended I was at work.

I'd get a whole group of nursery mums together and all show up at the breakfast event, saying "Oh you don't mind do you, it's just this timing is SO much more convenient for working parents, and we do so want to support nursery events and see what little Timmy has been up to".

serensiren
It doesn't have to be one or the other. I even said some careers are finally offering flexibility.
What I was meaning is that post children women are disproportionately in roles other than their main careers, disproportionately in part time roles, disproportionately in lower paid work that fits around childcare, so would there be a correlation between jobs people are in and their willingness to shift work around or take time to go to what is essentially a coffee morning.

So I think it's less about the nursery and more about how mum's and dad's treat these events
I agree.
If mums told the nursery that they can't attend due to work and there were no mum's turning up then the nursery would have reasonable grounds to move it. If everyone's taking time off to attend and not talking to the nursery then I don't get being annoyed that they keep running with something that seems to be working.

Or, they've ran events for dads during the morning sessio and the show has been awful (probably due to entrenched gender norms and men not suffering from guily at missing a coffee at nursery) and in a bid to increase engagement have tried something new to get dads to engage, which may or may not work, but they're working from a low engagement rate.

My nursery takes the same approach to both occasions, they put out coffee, juice, fruit and breakfast pastries for parents to help themselves to. And they are there all day long, for a whole week. Apart from making a card, that's it.

@confussedmisfit I’ve had that too, despite the fact that they were well aware that my son doesn’t have a mum.

My brother’s school make a massive fuss of Mother’s Day and then completely ignore Father’s Day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lolasmiles

The whole point of my thread was to ask if I would be unreasonable to raise this with nursery staff. I wanted to get other people's opinions on whether it was something valid worth raising, and whether it was considered a normal way of running events at nursery, or it was just this particular nursery. I have got my answer now and I will be speaking with them. So no, no one is sitting there and getting annoyed with something and doing nothing.

I would give feedback.

My kids school used to do similar.

Exh is self employed and could attend anything at any time. I was the main earner and couldnt just drop everything and a moments notice though with notice I could attend.

When I spoke to the school they seems genuinely confused. Despite the head teacher and most of the staff being working mums.

The head teacher once stood up at an assembly and basically told us 'thank you for attending. Its such a shame so many parents dont support the school and the kids by turning up these events'.

They had told us, by letter, the day before. I happened to be off work that week so could go. But so many parents couldnt just get the time off at 24 hours notice and lots of the kids already had commitments.

Oh and to top it off, if your kids were in afterschool club, they still wanted you to pay. Despite the child not attending.

Our preschool and we do Mother’s Day tea at 11:15 -12pm with iced tea. Cake is available, but they ask if you would like a slice and would you like strawberries and cream or just the fruit. Wtf??? I said I’d have everything please, most other mums just took the fruit!!!

Father’s get a movie night with donuts and popcorn!

I’m a bit raging too to be honest!!

Speak to them. They probably didn't think or it is possibly due to most mums doing the drop off

Good plan, OP. FWIW I don't think you're unreasonable to say something. I'm currently a SAHM who uses a nursery three mornings per week, but most of the mums I know use nurseries BECAUSE they work. There's really no good reason to treat mothers and fathers differently!

Maybe the mums complained that that 9-11am was a difficult time? So they moved it to an earlier time for the next ever, which happened to be aimed at dads.

My all time favourite piece of nursery sexism (I have many to choose from). I arrived to collect DS, earlier than usual as had taken an early finish. Said to staff "I am taking him to get some new shoes". Worker says, in a cute sing-song voice "oh, spending daddy's money are you ?".
There I was standing in a suit having been at Court all day.
And yes this stuff is important. I don't want my son growing up hearing that stuff day after day and all. As a baby he spent most of his life in that nursery- certainly more time than he spent with me.
So yes OP I say challenge them, this won't change unless people do !

That's awful wild things!!!!!!

Off point but my nursery doesn't do anything for either day, feel I'm missing out on some awesome treats 😁

I asked our nursery the other day if they were doing anything for father’s day (for context on mother’s day they made cards and had baskets of sweets and homemade biscuits for the mums on pick up).

Apparently they dont do father’s day because not every child there has a father figure. I raised an eyebrow at this.

To be fair to them though when there are events that parents are invited to they are done at 4pm. Most of the parents work and as nursery is in close vicinity to our town centre it’s easy enough to take a late lunch or finish early to get there to attend the Christmas snow party (fake snow cannons....!) or Easter bonnet party or whatever.

speak to them
You are 100% right but all the time no one says anything they will continue treating men and women differently.

I would absolutely be complaining. Let us know what they say!