Help me not crumble completely!

[DogHasEatenTheSqueaker]

It’s taken a while to get to the point of posting here, but I’m sat in my garden, have just lit the first cigarette that I’ve smoked in 9 years, and I’m at my limit. I need MN help!

Bit of background, DSD14 came to live with us a few months ago - it was completely unexpected, result of a midnight phone call. DH and I have no children, and she is now NC with mum. It’s taking some adjusting of course, and there is some serious clashing between DH and DSD. They’re both very stubborn, and she has a lot of behavioural traits that are really tricky to manage - matched with my complete lack of parenting experience with teenagers, it’s making for some very delicate negotiation situations.

I manage the majority of the negotiations, and act as the mediation in the house. However it’s really getting on top of me - I appreciate this will sound hugely selfish but having gone from looking after just myself I’m now responsible for a very delicate teenager, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m desperate not to cause any more issues, and am tying myself in knots to get it right.

I spend a few nights a month out of the house with work, but as I am the mediator I still find myself bombarded with messages/calls from DSD, asking for things she knows she’s not allowed (boyfriend over etc)

It sounds ridiculous, but I’m getting to the point where I’m so tense, my bloody legs are shaking and I’m bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I don’t deal with conflict well, and whilst I understand some door slamming is part and parcel of teenage parenting, I feel we’re copping more than normal due to the circumstances (understandable and of course I will give all the support she needs) but does anyone have any advice on how they dealt with a similar situation and can recommend anything I can do to ensure that I don’t completely crumble under the pressure? I’m hoping I’m not alone in this, I appreciate it’s a bit of an unusual set up, but I’m hoping it’s not a case of me just not being completely useless!

(Understand that DH sounds useless in this, he’s really not, he’s in much the same boat as me - I’m just being selfish here and asking MN for advice on my behalf, I’ll deal with him when I’ve got my own ducks in a row!)

So are you planning to leave him over this?

Honestly, the teenage stage will pass. It's hard, especially as she's having a difficult time. Can you take time out just for you to get some peace and relax?

No, very much together. Sorry, didn’t want the post to suggest that! Bugger!

Take a deep breath and repeat the parenting mantra that most of us learnt when they were babies: This too will pass. You are doing so well being thrust into the deep end unexpectedly. What was her relationship like with you and her dad before this happened? What's caused her estrangement from Mum? If there are years of poor parenting to fix then it will of course take time. Keep strong and perhaps ask her School for guidance? Some will have parenting classes you can attend for extra support

Is she really not allowed her boyfriend over? I think your partner needs to get with the picture. Acting like that will push her away...she'll find somewhere else to be with him...somewhere with no supervision.

I really feel for you. Teens can be hard enough in normal circumstances but this has landed on you and you sound like you’re doing amazingly in the circumstances.

Think it is important that you get time to go off and do things you want to do. Plan things to look forward to , not just work. Be very clear with DSD that you are not going to be available as working and that she’ll need to check things with her Dad. Say it like it’s the most natural thing in the world and don’t debate it, respond to protests if it’s not fair . She’s testing limits, stand firm, be consistent but you don’t need to always be available .

Pick your battles, don’t sweat the small stuff. If you need time to think of an answer it’s fine to say you’ll need to get back to her on that one . An element of self preservation sometimes needs to kick in when parenting an emotionally demanding teen and self care is hugely important.

No of us know what we are doing when it come to parenting especially your first experience at each "stage." From my experience being in the teenage years with my own girls would be to maybe sit her down for a chat make it nice with tea and cake. Tell her how you feel, remind her that she is very much loved but everyone is overwhelmed with the change of situation. Ask her questions about how she wants to go forward and work your plans based on your own expectations for her from there. This worked with me had a few personal issues in my own life last year or so and sat my kids down and was brutally honest about how I felt, something changed in them I was human and needed a bit of understanding not super mum. For us I really helped.

We did allow the boyfriend over initially. However he then started to treat her appallingly, be abusive in public and via sm/phone, dumped her and dragged her back, spent a night with another girl (!!!) so we have said absolutely no chance. Unfortunately they see each other at school, but we can’t help that. Have had long chats about respect with her, but she has come from a parental relationship where that was lacking, so seems to be happy to be treated like shit.

Sorry, am trying not to be bitter about previous parenting issues, but is bloody hard!

She's 14. You don't need to explain or apologise for not allowing bf over.

Firstly get rid of the ciggies . At the end of the day you all need to live together as harmoniously as you can so I would suggest a family meeting to set out rules of the house , if necessary write them down . With teens it is a bit of give and take so I wouldn’t veto the horrible boyfriend completely as it will only make him more attractive to her so see if you can reach a compromise like he can visit on a weekend / Friday evening when there is an adult in the house . However make sure the rules include bedroom doors need to be open when friends are over etc .

I would have him over on the basis of keep your friends close...

I would let the bf over to be honest, I know what you are trying to do, but you will just push her closer to him. If he is as bad as he sounds he will twist you not letting him over to his advantage, at least in your home you can keep an eye on him. Treat him as nice as pie, you know the saying, kill them with kindness. Just set a no bedrooms rule, if she trys to fight it, just calmly tell her it isn't a trust thing, but that you don't feel ready for that step yet and want to get to know him.
The rest of the teenage tantrums will pass eventually.

This is what I find so confusing. DH has heard what’s going on and has hit the roof, has put in a blanket ban - he wants to protect her and I understand that, but at the same time, she’s confused why we won’t let him over as he had been over initially. I can’t make her understand that due to his behaviour he’s now not welcome.

I had six hours of continual barrage of it from her the other night, and there’s no reasoning with her - I’ll explain about respect and him losing our trust and having to now earn trust etc, but it doesn’t seem to go in, she’s 14, but when DH walked in I just broke down. He hit the roof at her about putting me under pressure and the circle starts again 🙄

The thing is if he's not seeing her under your supervision he's seeing her without supervision. It's not ideal but if you have him at your house sometimes you can say what is not acceptable. The teen years can be awful. Sorry if I've missed it but is she getting any support?

I think she could do with some professional support, as the past few years have been fairly hairy. But she’s refusing all assistance and shuts down completely when it’s broached. I’m doing what I can, but am not a professional by any means. She’s been through a lot and I’m worried about coming down too hard and causing more damage if that makes sense?

Let the crappy BF over. Your DSD will see him anyway so you might as well have him under your roof while she does so.

But I feel for you. Your life was (relatively) easy and now you have to deal with teenage angst and drama, and it isn't even your own child.

Please don't start smoking again over this.

Our own DD had an awful BF once. He was abusive and aggressive and I wanted to ban him from our house but DH thought that, with time, our DD would smell the coffee. She did.

Teenagers need a lot of guidance. You absolutely have my sympathy.

Is it necessary to be NC with her dm. Or is that her being in a strop? Could her dad and her have some family therapy?
Could ye come to some agreement about the bf. Maybe 2 hours on a Friday night where ye are around and no flexibility so at least she would feel she gained something and stop the nagging.
Try and start each day afresh. Tru and have some fun together. Encourage her to bring girl friends around.
Don't panic. I wouldn't engage in 6 hour texts. Just pick one line...we are not happy with that...or maybe ..your dad is not happy with that and no more discussion. She shouldn't have so much power.
Hang in there.

Sounds so hard on all of you. I would try and agree some boundaries, establish what you want with DH and then put them in place with her.
Give her choices between two things where you can. Try and find something really nice you can do together that you both enjoy. Make sure you get some headspace.

I feel for you, OP. This is a massive change for you, and not one you signed up for or had a chance to prepare for.

Teenagers can be monsters. Teenage girls, especially, can be vile monsters. But the monstrous phase doesn't last forever. (Imo, it lasts 12-18 months for girls, a bit longer for boys, depending on when they get their first shag, when they seem to change overnight.)

For relations with her mum to have broken down irrevocably, your DSD must have been going through some pretty tough shit. That she's in a relationship that is borderline abusive tells me that she's very troubled. She's probably feeling desperately insecure.

She'll be all awash with hormones and rebellion, and full of emotions that her developing brain has learned to produce, but not yet to control.

Imo, she needs consistency, kindness and clear boundaries, and to be treated in quite an adult way, but with no illusions as to consequences if she acts up. She also needs to be loved (while no doubt being quite unloveable at times).

So my basic principles would be to positively reinforce behaviours that are desirable, like politness, helpfulness, etc with affection and priase, to show her lots of love, make sure she understands that the boyfriend is abusive and she doesn't deserve to be abused, refuse to enter into discussions when she's wound up, but insist on only talking through things when she calms down, insist on time out when things get heated.

Set some ground rules, make sure she understands them, and why.

And remember that the teenage years don't last for ever. It will pass.

Good luck!

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www.amazon.com/Fathers-Daughters-Helping-unbreakable-bestselling-ebook/dp/B07CLJFLBM/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?s=gateway&keywords=madonna+king&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1560092577&sr=8-1
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Some ideas? All are highly recommended.

I have three thoughts.

1. Consider family therapy for the three of you.

1. Get a book on parenting teens from amazon.

1. Secure a fixed time every week, about three hours that is your protected time. Do something just for you. During this time DH actively parents DSD, so it’s sold as much as their dad-daughter time as it is time for you.

No massive amounts of advice but remember that when they get over-emotional the reasoning that you give them doesn't go in! Took me a while to understand that, but it does help that when discussions go round and round it's often due to the fact that they are wound up.. hence blank out the reasoning.

Thank you all for your responses - after a particularly strained shopping trip (trying to do something nice!) and some teenage stomping about, I have just sat down with a cuppa and been through the thread with DH, and we’re going to get onto amazon and do some reading up!

Hate the thought of her being unhappy or stressed and am trying to keep everything on an even keel as much as possible, but I think I need to accept that It’s going to be a bumpy old ride!

OP, very nice of you to take her on. You don’t have to listen to her for 6 hours on the trot, though - give her half an hour, then state that you have to do a chore and invite her to help you with it. Keeping her busier might help a bit. I have teens, if I listened to them constantly I would go beserk.

I think she's probably very unhappy but doesn't have the tools to improve, not just because if her age but also because of her history. I know it's very hard but try to model good communication for her, show her what a good relationship looks like between you and her Dad.

I've found that when you need a chat driving in the car can be an excellent time as there is less face to face contact and this can make teens more open. Good luck.

I agree with letting the horrid BF visit. If you don't you'll only end up pushing her toward him and at least if he's seeing her under your roof you'll be able to keep an eye on things. In a lot of ways it's a case of choose your battles. Good luck OP. I know she's driving you crazy atm but she really is very lucky that you care so much and in time she'll come to realise it. If she's NC with mum then there are obviously some issues she's dealing with and is probably feeling a little abandoned. This coupled with regular teenage angst and boundary pushing must feel as horrid for her as it is for you. Make sure you're factoring in time to look after yourself as well though. Good luck I'm sure you're doing a great job.