Help me not crumble completely!

[DogHasEatenTheSqueaker]

It’s taken a while to get to the point of posting here, but I’m sat in my garden, have just lit the first cigarette that I’ve smoked in 9 years, and I’m at my limit. I need MN help!

Bit of background, DSD14 came to live with us a few months ago - it was completely unexpected, result of a midnight phone call. DH and I have no children, and she is now NC with mum. It’s taking some adjusting of course, and there is some serious clashing between DH and DSD. They’re both very stubborn, and she has a lot of behavioural traits that are really tricky to manage - matched with my complete lack of parenting experience with teenagers, it’s making for some very delicate negotiation situations.

I manage the majority of the negotiations, and act as the mediation in the house. However it’s really getting on top of me - I appreciate this will sound hugely selfish but having gone from looking after just myself I’m now responsible for a very delicate teenager, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m desperate not to cause any more issues, and am tying myself in knots to get it right.

I spend a few nights a month out of the house with work, but as I am the mediator I still find myself bombarded with messages/calls from DSD, asking for things she knows she’s not allowed (boyfriend over etc)

It sounds ridiculous, but I’m getting to the point where I’m so tense, my bloody legs are shaking and I’m bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I don’t deal with conflict well, and whilst I understand some door slamming is part and parcel of teenage parenting, I feel we’re copping more than normal due to the circumstances (understandable and of course I will give all the support she needs) but does anyone have any advice on how they dealt with a similar situation and can recommend anything I can do to ensure that I don’t completely crumble under the pressure? I’m hoping I’m not alone in this, I appreciate it’s a bit of an unusual set up, but I’m hoping it’s not a case of me just not being completely useless!

(Understand that DH sounds useless in this, he’s really not, he’s in much the same boat as me - I’m just being selfish here and asking MN for advice on my behalf, I’ll deal with him when I’ve got my own ducks in a row!)

She’s pretty open, we’re quite lucky there. I know more than I probably want to tbh! 😂 am no prude, but am horrified at some of the stories about what goes on. I am encouraging the openness, but whenever a blow up happens it’s straight upstairs, hunger strike, and silent treatment to dad. That’s when I cop it the most as I get the emotion from her AND him, and have to try and keep the show on the road.

Blow ups possibly more frequent as She was allowed pretty much free reign previously (in fairness to mum, she didn’t know the half of it) so we’re now trying to put barriers in place on things she is used to getting away with - heavy drinking, all night parties etc - so we’re disgustingly unfair and life is shit. Add in the emotion from what’s gone on, teenage hormones and our cluelessness, and it’s a perfect storm

There's lots you can do. Don't panic!

Do you have any friends with teenagers? Take them out for a cuppa, one to one.

Read the teenagers section on here.

Get that book - called something like Get out of my life but first can you take me and Alex into town.

Don't assume your DH is right. He might be coming down a bit hard.

Don't let her shout AT you. If she is, leave the room until she has calmed down. Say "I'll talk to you about this later" and mean it.

And also. She needs boundaries. Don't be persuaded otherwise.

Sadly no friends with teenagers, I think that’s part of the reason I’m struggling, I don’t have any allies. All mine have lovely squishy babies and are watching on with horror and eyeing their bundles with a newfound suspicion

DH and I have an age gap - I’m in my early 30s.

I have been EXACTLY where you are, only DSD was 12 when she moved in. I did most of the parenting as DH worked nights at the time, and I was responsible for pretty much all the discipline and everything that went with it...

It’s hard, really fucking hard and there’s no one answer to what you should/shouldn’t do.

What I would suggest is that you and DH sit down and discuss how you are going to parent your DSD, because you are a team and need to be on the same page.

Also, I would seriously consider facilitating DSD moving back to her BMs house, unless of course there has been abuse of some kind. If it’s just a stroppy teen falling out with her mum then I would do all I could to get her to go back.

Otherwise, buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Foofighter, do you mind me asking what the outcome was for you?

She won’t be going back - there was long term issues (from both mum and DSD in fairness) and it was having a hugely detrimental impact on both parties. SS were involved and she is very definitely with us. Neither DH nor I support the NC and are doing all we can to open lines of communication, but So far unsuccessful. Hopefully time will change that 🤞

I don't entirely agree with letting the shithead boyfriend in your house. I see what PPs are saying, but you have to make it very clear that abusive behaviour towards her from males is not normal or acceptable.

My parents didn't take a stance on abusive older boys and it lead to me and my dais being abused in our own home (our own bedrooms) from the age of 12/13 onwards.

At the time we were completely in thrall to these 'boyfriends'. Desperate to be loved and valued by them. However it has left scars that we are still struggling to come to terms with in our late 30s.

Stick with it, I think you are doing a good job and she will be grateful to you (one day).

DSis - not dais.

I know you said she's refused to think about getting help but I think in your situation I'd find a family therapist. Sell it to your step daughter as a way for all of you to learn to communicate with each other and make sure everybody's needs are being met rather than "we think your broken and should see a shrink".

(The advice about inviting boyfriends In is not to give them access to bedrooms. It’s to keep them in view, and to let them know that DSD is cared for).