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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First baby visitors

30 replies

needanewmug · 09/06/2019 12:43

Afternoon! Just posting here to get some general advice as I don't have a great relationship with in laws and so sometimes I think my view is skewed!

I'm due my first baby this week so basically any time now 😄😄
I'm terrified but excited!

Dh and I live in a different country (about two-three hours drive) from our families. We have discussed visitors and have agreed we will play it by ear in terms of when we will invite people as I don't know how I will be and it's not as if they can pop in for half an hour and then go!

So probably what we will do is we will have my parents and his parents a couple of days after our baby is born (our siblings are all aged 5-20 and live at home so will come with parents). Then when baby is a week or so (maybe more) we will go back 'home' for a couple of days so she can meet all the rest of our families! All good :-)

Sil has now messaged dh and has mentioned she will be bringing her new boyfriend to meet baby and how he can't wait. I'm a little uneasy with that tbh as I'm worried about breast feeding and what state my nether regions will be in post birth! We have never met him before and tbh I'm a very private person so am already feeling anxious about seeing ILs post birth (I have a very low contact relationship with them as does dh and they can be overbearing as they have no sense of boundaries). I'm trying to improve the relationship with ILs and put the past behind us so I know I have to suck up my own feelings a little in regards to when they come but I just don't know how I feel about an unknown teenage boy sat on my sofa while I'm trying to get to grips with being a mum.

Am I bu? I'm aware I could be completely overreacting so please don't be too harsh 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 12:43

God that was longer than I intended sorry!!

OP posts:
monsieurmarius · 09/06/2019 12:46

I'd definitely say no. Your territory, your rules. I would feel uncomfortable too if I were you and a lot of teenage boys wouldn't want to be there either; it's intrusive. Best of luck with everything Smile

CripsSandwiches · 09/06/2019 12:47

I probably wouldn't ban him from coming but I'd be clear that guests will have to take you as they find you (which is normally the case after giving birth anyway). Don't feel you have to play host - it's totally normal for mother and baby to disappear off to the bedroom for a nap etc.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 09/06/2019 12:49

I'm much more open to visitors than lots of MN, but also think that good visitors come for half an hour, bring snacks, make you tea and leave. Please feel free to tell people they have to go, or just retreat to your bedroom and explain you're just getting the hang on breastfeeding, and shut the door. Wish I'd done more of that.

I also would think twice about planning on travelling with a week old baby, especially if you're trying to feed. 4 weeks will be a world easier, and will still be new and tiny and exciting.

MRex · 09/06/2019 12:51

I suggest you use the numbers. E.g. "I'm so sorry, but we have both families coming that week so there will already be 8 people plus us makes 10 and we're going to be exhausted, so we can't manage even one more person. We'd love to meet him the following week when we come over with the baby and hopefully we'll be a bit more rested at that point to have a chance to actually get to know him a bit too. Look forward to seeing you next week x"

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 12:51

Thank you for not thinking I'm being a complete cow lol I know I don't have to play host and dh is being brilliant atm I'm just embarrassed at anyone seeing me in a state even ILs tbh but obviously it's their gc.

I know that all mums are allowed to look a bit crap after birth I'm just very self conscious.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 09/06/2019 12:52

He's not going to be inspecting your nether regions, and you can just say 'OK everyone, I'm going to feed now so I would like a bit of privacy, bugger off'

MRex · 09/06/2019 12:53

I also suggest you take yourself off to breastfeed in another room for the first couple of weeks. By 2 weeks I'd got the hang of it enough to happily breastfeed in a restaurant, but I'd spent days building up to it and been very nervous. Once you've had the time to get confident you'll be fine regardless of any teenage boys.

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 12:54

I'm also worried if we say no it will cause an argument as mil has started referring to him as family (even though 8 years down the line I still haven't got that privilege 🙄). I can honestly say if my own sister who is 2 years younger asked to bring her bf I'd say no without blinking !

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 09/06/2019 12:54

If you plan on visiting people within a couple of weeks why not just do that. Find a nice hotel or AirBnB and then have people visit you where you are comfortable. I loved showing my babies off but not to complete strangers until I was up to going out and about with the pram.

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 12:56

@MRex1 yes luckily our nursery is on the same floor and I have bought a very comfy nursing chair so that's my plan 😊

Haha I'm not worried about anyone inspecting anything! I'm worried I'll generally look shit, be sore, be wearing huge maternity pants and feeling crap! And worrying about leaking etc 🙈

OP posts:
MRex · 09/06/2019 12:58

Do you have a plan for travelling by the way? I would expect you'll need stops every 20-30 min for toilet / nappy change / feeds etc; also in case you have a caesarean or other stitches you'll get uncomfortable sitting for too long and want to stretch a bit. We had detailed plans for early excursions; go to X where we can do any toilet / nappy change and get coffee, then on to Y for toilet / nappy change and food... it meant we never pushed ourselves and could actually all enjoy the trips out. Now the planning is up to 3-hourly segments to work in the required nap and food schedules!

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 13:00

Yes :-) but no firm plans so if I'm not up to it we will just delay :-) we are very much play it by ear. Mainly because I have no idea what to expect haha!

OP posts:
MRex · 09/06/2019 13:01

@needanewmug - not everyone bleeds as much as you hear about sometimes. Some do, but not all. I bought loads of tena lady pants expecting a flood of blood, but it was no more than a standard period after the first day. They are really comfy pants though, I highly recommend them for the first few days. Nobody will know you're wearing them if you wear a dress / skirt and they don't leak, perfect, then if you don't leak much just move into comfy pants and pads.

SignedUpJust4This · 09/06/2019 13:04

Tbh they don't wanna see you. Stay in bed and have a rest. I would tell DH they can come but he hosts them and they stay 90mins tops and you will be in bed.

SignedUpJust4This · 09/06/2019 13:05

But that's just me. You won't really k ow how you feel til baby is here and everyone has a different experience.

mindutopia · 09/06/2019 13:07

I would just say another time is better and give a more reasonable date. I would also encourage you to be more realistic about traveling to stay with family with a week old baby. There’s no way I could have done that with either of mine (and both of mine were easy home births that were very straightforward). We visited family overnight the first time at 6 weeks. Our first visitors came around day 10.

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 13:08

@MRex ooo that's a great tip thank you! Also relieved to hear not everyone bleeds buckets because I've heard some absolute horror stories 🙈

@SignedUpJust4This I think if I did that there would be big issues. ILs have a lot of expectations and like to act as if we are all close friends and tbh I wouldn't like it either as I don't know if baby would be brought back for feeds etc. I know that sounds silly but I just am not sure I'd be comfortable.

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ToastyFingers · 09/06/2019 13:10

I can't speak for everyone but travelling for hours with a week old baby sounds like an absolute nightmare.

You'll still be bleeding, possibly heavily and needing to change and dispose of large and smelly maternity pads regularly.
If you are breastfeeding then you are likely to be feeding hourly, perhaps more and if you have sustained any injuries from the birth you'll still be in pain, possibly having continence issues and needing to be seen regularly by your local midwifery team.

Also, week old babies shouldn't be in a car seat for very long and you'd need to stop many times along the way. Midwives or possibly health visitors were calling in roughly every other day to weigh and check baby at that stage and I think it's advisable to be around for these checks if it's your first baby as not to do so may be looked upon poorly.

If you feel comfortable hosting them at your home, that's great but I think travelling for hours would be foolish.

TriciaH87 · 09/06/2019 13:12

Play it by ear as to when they come as you don't know how the birth will go. Tell the sister in law that she is welcome but you only want family to visit this early on. He can meet the baby when you visit there end.

Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 13:12

I'm fully aware that travelling a week after she is born may not be possible so it's very much a rough plan to go home whenever we feel up to it :-) it's mainly so our very large families don't all descend on us 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
needanewmug · 09/06/2019 13:14

Dh has replied to sil saying we are only having family at first but we look forward to meeting him when we come home and see everyone. Hopefully they accept that with no fuss! You'd think it would be fine but there is form in the past for kicking off when sil does not get whatever she wants!

OP posts:
Ilovechocolate01 · 09/06/2019 13:25

Some new mums like visitors and some don't so you'll get a mixed response on here. But I would wait until you've given birth to make plans for visitors as you won't know how you'll feel. With my first I had visitors to stay and it was really hard - I'd had an emergency c section and wasn't expecting to be in pain and have baby blues too. All I wanted was to sit on the settee and concentrate on breast feeding. Visitors sat around ALL DAY and didn't help with anything. With my second I was honest with family and said I found it too hard last time and they waited a week before visiting and stayed in a hotel. No one minded at all. Can you ask them to stay in a hotel?

HollowTalk · 09/06/2019 13:26

I really doubt you'll want to travel then. It takes a while to get to grips with breastfeeding. On days 3 and 4 I remember just crying all the time (couldn't identify why!) - I can't imagine being fit to travel for a couple of hours just days later.

Sunshineface123 · 09/06/2019 13:30

Another one to say I don't think you'd be up for travelling for hours after a week. I'd just had a tiny walk down the road at that point. Might be worth sowing the seed now that you won't be down that soon. And yes to PP who had guests who sat around all day expecting to be waited on, why do people do this?!