Anyone else's DP/DH have HORRID moods in the morning?

[spanielove]

Lovely night last night, I went to bed around midnight and fell asleep, DP has an awful habit of staying up really late to do work (he works from home and runs his own business) and I woke up at 4am to him getting into bed finally. He drank a little last night too so obviously that can contribute to the moodiness the next day but he's like it every morning! Always says he can't stand talking to me first thing and even berated me this morning for making him a coffee (as I thought he may be hungover). He wakes up at 8.30am (or earlier) every day to walk the dog so he's usually running on like 4hrs sleep.

It's strange because he suddenly snaps out of it mid morning but whenever it's early/he's tired he's just a completely different person.

@EnjoyItAll He goes above and beyond for all his clients and I think takes on more work than he can handle. He'll always find little things he needs to fix so stays up late to do them, I've caught him snoring at 11pm before then waking himself up and going back to work! He's obviously way to tired.

Well of course he was lovely in the mornings - he was a 33 year old shagging an 18 year old. He couldn't believe his luck. He was on his best behaviour in case you realised he wasn't exactly at the same stage in life as you and dumped him for someone who was.

Now he's got you. He doesn't need to be so polite all the time, clearly.

@Carriecakes80 haha I love that idea! (Although I don't fancy getting up at 5am to put all the effort in)

You're all right, I need to stand my ground and let him know he can't give me shit in the mornings, it doesn't usually happen as much when I'm off to uni on a weekday as I'm up and out by 7.15 to catch the train so he's not normally up but in the holidays or at the weekend it's crap.

@ElspethFlashman I do think about that sometimes, if maybe he was super nice to keep me. He's really attractive for his age but has been slacking lately in romance, we used to go out on dates every weekend and now I have to beg him to go see a film with me!

He'll still pester me for sex though during the week when I'm exhausted then get moody when I tell him IM BUSY.

He doesn't sleep enough. Be should sleep more than 6 hours and not 4. It's really unhealthy.

Wow . I was identifying with you from my stance as an old married woman with almost grown kids and a ' grumpy old man' for a DH. But blimey . We got here through thick and thin and my grumpy old man is like he is through hard work and being in pain a lot of the time. I dont tiptoe around him and he doesnt make demands that I alter my behaviour. I can come and go as I please and so can he.
I couldnt bear having to be a certain way contrary to my own needs.

Please re-evaluate your life with this man. Is he/was he a father figure when you were 18? Is he not liking the older you as much as the younger you? Why is he staying up so late . Im skeptical that it working every single night . Why does he set his alarm for a time that doesnt suit him? He sounds like a nightmare and if I was your age I would be off finding other people who can let me live my own life.

We do have an age gap if that makes any difference, I'm 20 & he's 35

You are so young OP! You deserve better and he won't change. For you, he is old and grumpy.

@miaCara He sets the alarm because he likes to work early and also walks the dog in the mornings (that is one redeeming factor as I love our pup but he was my partners idea to get!)

He's a spaniel incase you haven't guessed and always needs a lot of exercise which I definitely couldn't provide him with so I'm glad my DP deals with him everyday. I just give pup cuddles as my 'owner duties'

I don't think he's like a father no, him and my dad are complete opposites, I had never considered dating someone older and I honestly thought he was 25 when I met him!

He is working, I've caught him asleep at his laptop at 2/3am with all his clients work on there.

@Parker231 We don't have any children

OP, you know the answer.

@whisky2014 Are you being deliberately obtuse?

OK, he chooses to get up at 8. OP states he chooses to set his alarm for that time. He chooses to walk the dog. She isn't making him get up.

It isn't wise to be drinking alcohol when you know you are choosing to only have 4 hours sleep. This man is making choices that are detrimental to his own well being and then taking it out on the OP.

@Itssosunny It's crazy isn't it! I would die on 4hrs sleep everyday.

I think I'm going to have a sit down with him and tell him that if he doesn't change his priorities we will have a huge problem. It's not fair for me to feel like shit in the morning because he has taken on too much work or doesn't get to sleep at a reasonable time.

I don’t think you are old before your time. In fact I think you are avoiding growth and development.

Some people are grumpy in the morning and it is best to leave them to it. However they should be and they can civil, in other words getting up earlier and being on their own. Not interacting with you until they feel up to it. That’s doable if you are just in a low mood and can be bothered.

His behaviour implies he finds you annoying and resents your presence. It’s far more than grumpiness. He wants time on his own in the morning and in the evenings. He is not trying to check his behaviour around you.

A couple would have a conversation about this routine and a reasonable partner would make adjustments for someone he cared about. He doesn’t care about you enough to change.

The message is clear, he is telling you it’s his home and his life. You can fit into it or not, be he won’t change for you.

@bluebeck

Well I don't want to be crude, but sex is going to be a big consideration if you're an older bloke targeting an 18 year old.

The problem is that women are (gasp!) human beings, not just oversexed young totty, and we can have a good sex drive and still not want to open our legs 24/7 like a fembot.

But a bloke who has chosen a relationship with sex as a big consideration will not take that too kindly. At all.

There are difficulties that come with an older man/younger woman dynamic and that's definitely one. The other one is being infantalised. Ironically by the guy who's constantly trying to fuck you.

(I'm not saying that's a problem with all age gap relationships - so much depends on personality and character)

@LemonTT
"The message is clear, he is telling you it’s his home and his life. You can fit into it or not, be he won’t change for you."

This makes me so sad that it could be true

"I don’t think you are old before your time. In fact I think you are avoiding growth and development."

This actually really interests me as I'm studying psychology.

@ElspethFlashman Yes I get what you're saying, It's definitely weird that he'll treat me like an annoying child in the mornings but by lunchtime is all over me.

I don't mind the wanting sex often too much as I have a high sex drive myself and can (and do!) say no often as I have things to do or I'm not feeling it.

Yes come to an agreement with him that you'll both leave each other alone in the mornings. Ie you'll stop offering him coffee and he can stop taking his bad moods out on you and keep himself to himself. I'd say "I'll do a deal with you, I won't speak to you or offer to make you drinks, and you're not to speak to me either and moan about things as soon as you wake up."

Don't put up with this rubbish because it'll get worse if you do. It's not being "old before your time" to put up with crap. It's being vulnerable and lacking assertiveness. It's fine to want a stable relationship when you're young, but it's not fine to meekly put up with someone stomping about every morning accusing you of things you haven't done.

Make sure you see it through. I used to think I was being assertive when I told my grumpy ex not to call me names. We'd have conversations where I would tell him I didn't like the unkind things he did and I remember telling friends that "I've told him not to do xyz" and feeling I was standing up for myself. But in reality I was still there taking his rubbish, and it just got worse. If you do agree that he won't moan at you but he still does it, then think long and hard about whether you want to stay in the relationship.

bluebeck

@whisky2014 Are you being deliberately obtuse?
No, I think you are.

And i did say to op it's shit if he sets his alarm for the same time on weekends rather than the working week. Although just because his alarm goes off, doesn't mean he wants to be spoken to.
This can be resolved by OP not fussing over him and also by him changing his alarm and getting more sleep. But who's to say if he did get more sleep he wouldn't be grouchy? Some people just aren't good in the mornings and need to "Come around" themselves.
Op doesn't have to ask him anything and I'm wondering why she still does if this is a regularity.

Oh dear, well this sounds very unpleasant OP. Ignore the posters telling you it's all your fault for "fussing over him" AKA normal conversation.

He sounds very stupid. He thinks he can get by on four hours sleep. He thinks he can stay up until 4am working (after drinking) and make good business decisions?

He thinks it is his right to speak to you like shit in the mornings, and then expects sex.

Most of us would not accept this. Aside from the lovely doggy, what are you getting out of this relationship? Tell us about his good points?

I feel foul in the morning. At most, deposit a mug of black coffee near me and retreat to safety. Silence is preferable, but no TV - ever. DP leaves me well alone for the first bit, as I cannot handle any sound and least of all somebody wittering at me, as I'm running on around four hours a night.

Your DH sounds as though he's extremely stressed and working himself all the way into a breakdown or other illness. As he's working from home, it's likely that he cannot mentally switch off even if he tries to - but he needs to realise that this isn't sustainable.

A good way to do that is to create a space that's purely for work and at 6pm each day, that door is closed and left shut until the morning.

HOWEVER - ripping your head off, making out that everything's your fault and pestering you for sex is completely separate from that. I'd also query the drinking - whether it's during the day whilst you're out or he's 'working' - as it's possible he's drinking during the week, sleeping until just before you get in, then drinking some more as he tries to catch up on work. It's not just chronically stressed people who don't sleep - people abusing alcohol have a lot of sleep disturbances like this. And half a bottle of wine and a bunch of ciders can easily be 12 units or more (what happens to the other half bottle? Does it sit in the fridge for a week or does it disappear?)

You don't need a life like this at 20, only to have him drop dead by the time he's 45 and you're 30. There's more to life than this.

I'm like this although usually fine an hour or so after walking and I've had a coffee. I am a night owl and am in a foul mood on waking I early morning. Perhaps he needs to sleep more I am better at weekends when I can sleep n at times more appropriate to my body clock. It's in the week that it's a "problem".

Luckily I don't see my DH in the week often as he is up and out before me. He is a morning person though and will wake immediately, start "shouting" about plans for the day (ie c
talking at a normal volume!!!) and be up for sex! I need time to wake up. During which time there should ideally be no conversation, if there is it should be in hushed tones, certainly no planning should take place. Sometimes I do literally have to say to him. Please don't speak to me until after I've had coffee.

It feels a bit like PMT I literally feel so angry o want to kill him if he's all loud and bubbly and asking questions! After coffee though am back to me!

I just need to be left alone for a bit.

Having said all of that your husband dies sound like he's not getting enough sleep which is extremely bad for his physical and mental health. Does he read? Both of you should read the book "why we sleep". Will help you understand your sleep incompatibility and help him understand he needs to get more sleep.

I agree with the other posters who have said don't speak to him at all until he comes to you. When this sleep mood thing overtakes you it is really hard not to snap at a "good morning"! It's completely unreasonable but honestly it makes you feel murderous. I try to respond through gritted teeth and can usually manage a gruff "please don't don't spk to me". I am usually ok on half an hour. Just imagine he's still in bed and unavailable until he is ready. You will probably find it wears off more quickly if you don't try to engage.

It's not being "old before your time" to put up with crap. It's being vulnerable.

I would agree with this, the "early settlers", those that commited to a relationship whilst young were usually looking for safety & security that they didn't have in childhood.
When you are 35 you may have a different perspective on yourself at age 20. You will grow and develop in your late 20s.

Interestingly 2 years tends to be when a person's real character comes to light. This is who he is, not circumstances or stress.

His lifestyle is so unbalanced and unhealthy and isn't much fun for you.

So although you say you can, and do, say no to him pestering you for sex, when you do, he gets moody? Yeah that's not cool OP. If it's no, then it's no.
Sleep wise - I'm an owl and DH is a lark. I don't do well with morning conversation! I despise DH coming bustling in to the bedroom desperate to tell me about plans to decorate the bathroom at 8am on a Sunday, after working all week, and having a precious lie in, just because he's been up since 6am, and feels the need to share. That said, I'm never mean to him, I just grunt a bit in agreement until he goes away!
4 hours sleep isn't enough for anyone, he needs to sort his shit out, and not be horrible to you. So no, YANBU. And you're young, you should be having loads of fun, not getting moaned at.