Anyone else's DP/DH have HORRID moods in the morning?

[spanielove]

Lovely night last night, I went to bed around midnight and fell asleep, DP has an awful habit of staying up really late to do work (he works from home and runs his own business) and I woke up at 4am to him getting into bed finally. He drank a little last night too so obviously that can contribute to the moodiness the next day but he's like it every morning! Always says he can't stand talking to me first thing and even berated me this morning for making him a coffee (as I thought he may be hungover). He wakes up at 8.30am (or earlier) every day to walk the dog so he's usually running on like 4hrs sleep.

It's strange because he suddenly snaps out of it mid morning but whenever it's early/he's tired he's just a completely different person.

His behaviour is disrespectful to you. It's something you should resolve before children come along.

sounds miserable op
my dh is also not one to be around in the morning. Avoid avoid, and he has gone to work
will your dh leave the house?
if not, i suggest you do

@bluebeck again, it doesn't say he HAS to get up. It says he usually does to wall the dog but that's not the same. Its the weekend, he drank some booze and stayed up late working. They don't have kids.

I don't like being spoken to in the morning. It used to REALLY fuck me off when my xh would say : but I only asked if you wanted toast... in a hurt, whiny voice. I would be trying so hard to shut up and get over myself every morning and he knew this, but he could never just give me half and hour to not have to interact.

I never wake him up, his alarm goes off at 8 everyday, even at weekends (when mine is 8.30!).

Yet that's shit. If he doesn't want woken up then, tell him he needs to change his weekend alarm time and stop being grumpy due to lack of sleep that he created.

You have to seriously push back on him making you feel childish. Especially if there's a big age difference. That shit will eat your relationship from the inside.

The most successful age difference relationships have been where the younger person is never made to feel childish and the older person is never made to feel old. But that takes respect on both sides. It means the older one doesn't make the younger one feel childish and the younger one doesn't make the older one feel old.

If he is making you feel childish, stupid and guilty for actually having the audacity to stick up for yourself? It's bad. Really bad.

You will then feel next time like it's best to put up and shut up. And that's really bad too. It leads to a really unhealthy dynamic where he can snap at you with impunity and you just sigh like a good little girl and go mute and try to keep out of his way. In other words - fuck you! I'll take it out on you and you can fuck off! Fuck you cos I'm older and I work SOOO much harder! Fuck you for daring to look in my direction and do something considerate like make me a cup of coffee! FUCK YOU EVERY SINGLE MORNING!

Think hard and long about the dynamics of your relationship.

I literally ask basic things

When I say bare minimum, I mean not even hello, do you want coffee... Other people think that's bare minimum polite, I think that's hateful!

I'm not saying you are wrong, by the way. Maybe you (jointly) haven't found the right level? Or maybe he's just a rude twat. (Think carefully, is he dismissive in other ways...)

@ThePerturbedPenguin It's really strange because the rest of the time he's back to normal and the man I fell in love with! Really caring, funny & incredibly upbeat about his work.

I honestly can't wait to go back to uni in September, I have nothing to do all summer but deal with this grump in the mornings (been looking for a summer job but no one wants students or wants 3 years experience!) 💀

@DisplayPurposesOnly haha maybe you're right and I'm too chatty, but even so, I could say nothing and he'll still huff about and get annoyed about things he thinks 'I've done'. (Eg left the tap running in the bathroom all night, er no! That was you grumpy coming to bed and using the bathroom at 4am!)

I would also add that at 20 and at uni, what the fuck are you doing shacked up with anyone??!

You should be out clubbing and kissing lots of hot boys with floppy hair!

But that's another issue.

You're 20! You don't drink! You should be having fun on a weekend morning, not enduring old man grouchiness.

Do you want kids? If so, imagine what he's going to be like when he's 5-10 years older and has to deal with small kids.
Or if you don't want kids together, then spend your 20s with people who want to roll out of bed together (or roll in bed together) and have fun in the mornings.

My DH can be like this, and it's exhausting. Don't chain yourself to it.

@ElspethFlashman You're so right, I like to think I've got a good head on my shoulders but it can be easy to just bow down to him and not snap back as I don't want to start an argument or seem childish. I hate confrontation!

I try to enjoy mornings as I suffer from depression and it's really hard for me to keep my routine and be up all day, when we first started dating (2 years ago) he was so lovely in the mornings (although he wasn't working as crazily as he does now back then).

@ElspethFlashman
You should be out clubbing and kissing lots of hot boys with floppy hair!

It's really not my style! I've never liked drinking and definitely not boys with floppy hair I think I'm old before my time due to childhood experiences.

@Stuckforthefourthtime Yes that's definitely something to think about, I couldn't stand doing it all on my own. I definitely want a professional life before having children and probably only 1 child I would think.

I love studying and gain confidence from learning and challenging myself intellectually. So kids are not on the cards for at least 5 years!

I avoid DH in the mornings - which I can as we are retired. But he wants radio on LOUD, his job is emptying the dishwasher which he sighs and groans over, no conversation, so I make sure I am somewhere else til later. It's not a problem imv.

Your boyfriend has problems, don't let them become your problems. Try to find somewhere else to live so you can enjoy the summer and be the happy person you want to be without having to put up with a grumpy man.

when we first started dating (2 years ago) he was so lovely in the mornings (although he wasn't working as crazily as he does now back then)

He really needs to sort out his sleeping habits.

I wouldn’t bother asking him if he wants tea or coffee. Instead I would make my own and if he asks where it is point at the kettle. Tell him when his awake and happy that surviving on 4 hours sleep isn't sustainable or good for wellbeing. I used to work for a large company who although their policy stated 11 hours between shifts quite happily back to backed your shifts and it was miserable. I spent years surviving on an average of 5 hours sleep and it pushed me to the verge of depression. Does his work require him to work late or does he leave everything until late? If his work requires him to work at 4am he needs to be getting up later than 8am. If not he needs to start work earlier and finish earlier

So in five years he will be 40 and likely even more grumpy? I would take s summer bar job abroad. Have fun.

No.
Because he isn't a toddler.

I think it's a bit patronising to tell op how she should be living. Don't take any shit op but if you want to live with a partner at 20 that's fine. Telling her she should be partying implies she doesn't know herself and what she wants.

@DisplayPurposesOnly 100% agree, it's only gotten this bad since he's started working 24/7 and not sleeping. I don't know how he copes all day on so little sleep!

He works 9-1 (takes an hour break to take the dog out and have lunch) then works 2-6 (again takes the dog out and has dinner) then usually 7-3/4am. I think the earliest he's come to bed recently is 2am.

He's obsessed with his business and I think because he had a scary few months last year with no clients he's now scared to lose money so he works 24/7 even though he's earning a pretty good salary! (Estimated £50k per year atm).

@BuildBuildings Thank you :) I get that a lot, people are always shocked that I live with someone and even more shocked when they learn his age! Hence why I don't really introduce any friends to him as they just don't get it.

Record him. My son recorded me when I used to get about three hours kip and drank nothing but coffee and smoked about 20 a day, and I was bloody horrible, I didn't recognise myself.
I soon changed that once I saw what a moody cow I was being.
Otherwise, wake him up at 5 with cold water over his head, and then scream 'THERE, NOW YOU HAVE REASON TO BE A GRUMPY SHIT THIS MORNING!'
Sadly, its something I would actually do if my husband ever dared talk to me like dirt lol. x

In life you get treated the way you allow. Tell him not to speak to you like that again, then look him right in the eye and say 'do you understand me? You don't have to put up with that from anyone. If it turns into an argument you can use it to find out if there is a bigger issue and talk about why he feels so crap. Eventually you can work out a morning routine to suit you both, but you should put your foot down first about the rudeness. Give an an inch etc