Wanting another DCbut being scared of having another child with ASD

[justfinishthesandwich]

Not intended in any way to be provocative. I have one son with ASD. He is lovely and he is very, very loved.

However, it’s hard, it’s really hard. On him more than me.

Is it just an act of God or is it genetic? I really don’t know. And I’m scared.

My mum had three of us my 2 brothers have autism but I dont I'm the middle child. My DD has austim maybe my DS but to young to test atm. I personally think its genetics in my case. But I know familys that it was just random luck of the draw.

I have one with asd, expecting my second child next week..
I can see how he has inherited a lot of traits from his dad, but i don't think it is fully genetic. Dh has 7 siblings and none of these are on the spectrum.
I believe some of it is down to genetics and some of it is down to another factor - possibly the horrendous pregnancy, labour or birth in my case...
For us, we wanted more children and we feel that ds needs to have siblings around him - now and when he is an adult..
But there will be a 5 year age gap because ds has needed so much help and time over the last few years. Once he settled in school we were happy to try again.
Yes it's scary that it may happen again, but would I replace ds for another child without asd? No way.

It's a difficult decision OP. I think in most cases there is a 1 in 4 chance of a subsequent child having autism.

DD1 has SN and now she's 13 I'm beginning to wonder if she has ASD, but her other SN have masked it until now. DD2 (11) has ASD. DD3 (10) is NT.

Largely it is a genetic predisposition although some have ASD through environmental influences.

Go to a proper reference website and start your information journey there. Anecdotal 'evidence' from a chat forum wont do you any good.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/

Nobody knows what causes autism, or if it has a cause.
It can affect people in the same family. So it may sometimes be passed on to a child by their parents.

Autism is not caused by:
bad parenting
vaccines, such as the MMR vaccine
diet
an infection you can spread to other people

Nobody knows what causes autism, or if it has a cause.

It can affect people in the same family. So it may sometimes be passed on to a child by their parents.

Everything on line suggests a genetic link, but there's no definitive evidence.

It also affects boys more than girls and from the number of people I know with ASD, both children and adults, I agree with that finding.

There's no definite way of knowing if another baby will have it unfortunately.

YANBU OP, it's completely understandable to be scared. Maybe talk to your GP and discuss the risks. For what it's worth we had DS2 before we realized DS1 was autistic so never had to make that choice. He's not on the spectrum. But I always figured if he was at least I'd recognise the signs early on and be well equipped to manage

Asd does run in families but its hard to say more than that. I guess it depends how many and which predeterminer genes each parent carries.

In our family dBiL has asd (and it is suspected that his grandfather did also) but his younger brother and all children in the current generation (including his own) do not. In other families I know, all the children have asd/dyspraxia.

It also affects boys more than girls and from the number of people I know with ASD, both children and adults, I agree with that finding

It has been diagnosed more in boys due to the diagnostic criteria and the way the girls present.

Sorry to derail op. My dd is autistic but her younger siblings are nt. There isn't a strong genetic link our family.

I have just posted about this on another thread. I have two with asd and became pregnant with dd when my ds was being diagnosed. I was desperate to have another child and also wanted a child who I could connect with more easily. My ds is very severely affected and parenting him has been an emotional roller coaster. DD has asd too but is more socially aware and more verbal although she is still significantly affected. Regardless she brings me a lot of joy and I don't regret the decision. It is a very tough decision to make. In all honesty I think that if my dd had been as severely affected as my lovely ds then it would have broken me. It is a risk.

I have 1 with autism, 2 with aspects or "quirks" but get through life fine, and 1 NT.

Just to add a different slant on it, I have 2 DC, the oldest with autism and the youngest is NT (they are “half” siblings and I have often wondered about the genetics of autism as I believe you’re more likely to have another child with autism if you have one already)
Sometimes I think it would be easier if my youngest had autism too, as she gets so upset when my oldest is rude/hits her/won’t play etc. I have to put a lot of effort into arranging play dates and activities for her as her life is restricted by having a sibling with autism who doesn’t like leaving the house/people coming to the house and she is so sociable. So although it’s easier “care” wise with the youngest, emotionally it’s quite tough looking after her needs and I often feel I haven’t been able to give her enough attention because my oldest with autism takes up so much time (and wakes in the night etc)
I’m just hoping as they get older my youngest will have learned valuable life lessons in diversity and is compassionate towards others (she already is and frequently comments it’s her siblings autism
brain that makes her shout/hit/not understand)
I will say I was desperate for a third, but didn’t go ahead as once we had the diagnosis of autism for my oldest it became apparent that the difficulties weren’t “a phase” and were here to stay and I felt personally I couldn’t give any more of myself to any more children.

I wouldn’t.

Best case scenario and you have a totally healthy happy child - you still have two to deal with which is going to mean less time for your eldest who needs lots of input.

If you have a second who also has additional needs, how will you cope?

I have taught many children with autism. I would say about 50% of them have a sibling with a lesser degree of autism, but do not have a diagnosis, and in many cases their parents can't see it in comparison to the diagnosed sibling. So the non diagnosed sibling functions very well with minimal or no support needed. If the nonndiagnosed sibling is younger, then some of their behaviours could be explained by them copying their older sibling. E.g., if the ASD sibling is very funny around food, their younger sibling could also be funny around it through copying their behaviour.
I once taught non identical twins, one of whom had a diagnosis a teacher a very young age and needed a great deal of support in school, eventually going to a secondary special school. His brother was very bright, and extremely articulate, as was their father. However, he ticked all the ASD boxes around communication and emotional regulation but it was only as he got older that his parents recognised he may need some support in school. Puberty was a huge turning point for him; perhaps it was the surge of hormones that affected him. Despite him being exceptionally gifted in many areas, he did end up with a diagnosis and an EHCP to support him in secondary school. His parents were more affected by his late diagnosis than they were when his twin was diagnosed as a toddler.
We all know that the spectrum of ASD is massive. Different people are affected in different ways but it's the impact on everyday life that is the most significant factor, and obtaining the right support.
OP, try not to be anxious about subsequent children being affected by ASD.

Another small perspective: I'm autistic and so's my younger brother. Yes we had many fights when we were children, yes we definitely still have more problems then most, but we also have lives and we're best friends.

He understands my parents in a way that no one else in the world can. I wouldn't be without him, and I don't think he'd choose to not be alive if he had a choice IYSWIM.

"It also affects boys more than girls and from the number of people I know with ASD, both children and adults, I agree with that finding."

I disagree. I think that girls are just massively undiagnosed. My 3 children are all girls. It took 8 years and three schools before she was diagnosed, after I raised concerns at 3 years old (I had noticed things from about 18 months).

I'm quite sure it's genetic.

There's a MNer who had a third child via donor gametes for this very reason.

I can understand why one might do that, not because there's anything wrong with being aspie, but after one or two goes around the 'fighting for diagnosis, services and adjustments' merrygoround, most parents are shattered.

Then there's Kanner, or low-functioning, autism, which is a different deal altogether, in terms of parenting.

My middle child (boy) has ASD but I got pregnant with my daughter before finding out (only 15 months apart)
She's NT and very much a joy to be around. I don't know if I would have gone for another one, had I known my son was autistic because it was hard work. But it does get easier. He's 8 now and doing very well. I'm really proud of him.
My 1st DD is currently being investigated for ASD but she hid it very well as do girls so I do believe there might be a genetic pattern
Good luck x

There are chromosomal issues that can lead to autism. Microdeletions in certain chromosomes can make it more likely for that person to have autism. And this is genetic. So you could ask for you and your child to have genetic blood tests to see if there are any such issues.

My Ds has ASD, and when I got pregnant with Dd, he wasn’t yet diagnosed but we were aware that something was going on. I spent the whole pregnancy terrified I was doing the wrong thing, and that he wouldn’t cope. But it was the best thing I ever did for him. Dd is NT, but she is his best friend, which since he isn’t able to make friends, is so important. They are devoted to each other, and as a result, it doesn’t matter that much that he doesn’t fit in with other kids, because he always has her. Yes they squabble sometimes, and sometimes she struggles to understand his behaviour, but the love between them is astonishing. I dread to think what his life would be like if we hadn’t had her. If she had had ASD too, yes it would have been challenging, but it still would have been the right thing to do.

Your risk is certainly higher now that you've had a child with autism. I waited 5 years before having a second. I found out the sex at 12 weeks and cried with relief when I found out the was a girl. Yes girls are underdiagnosed but it stands to reason that boys are affected at a higher rate as they are for most generic things.

I'm sure I've read that some experts think the ratio could easily be 1:1. It's just that girls internalise it all more and are more likely to be diagnosed with things like depression, anxiety or anorexia. (Whereas boys receive less socialisation from their peers and also have angrier testosterone-driven physical outbursts.) So having a girl is no guarantee at all.

It's my youngest that's diagnosed with ASD, if he'd been my first he would been only child.

I half wish there was a way to guarantee a girl

There is just not in the UK. If you can afford IVF abroad you can choose.