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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting another DCbut being scared of having another child with ASD

44 replies

justfinishthesandwich · 09/06/2019 08:06

Not intended in any way to be provocative. I have one son with ASD. He is lovely and he is very, very loved.

However, it’s hard, it’s really hard. On him more than me.

Is it just an act of God or is it genetic? I really don’t know. And I’m scared.

OP posts:

Original poster

justfinishthesandwich · 09/06/2019 10:57

I know but that may proves a little expensive

OP posts:

Forkinguglyandproud · 09/06/2019 11:03

I believe its genetic. My eldest 3 all have autism. Drs were like the chances of having a 2sd autistic child are close to zero, but it wasn't till the 3rd was diagnosed we were told the risk increases dramatically with each autistic child you have. If I had known of this increased risk, I would have stuck at one child. I love them all, but it's hard work and that. One is low functioning autistic, never sleeps etc and of the other two, one has learning problems with her autism and the other has high functioning autism. Youngest looks NT but as the youngest boy didn't show concrete signs till he was 3, we still have a waiting game.

Asta19 · 09/06/2019 11:07

I agree with pp's, I think it's under diagnosed in girls. My DS is the oldest and has ASD but he was only 10 months old when I got pregnant with my second, so I obviously didn't know at that point. Second child was a girl and she has had her own struggles definitely. Does she have ASD? We still don't know and probably never will! However, I will say both of them are nearly 30 now and happy. They are functioning just fine and have good lives. Many parents say they would take away the ASD from their child if they could, and I have felt that way myself on occasion, but I also think it made them who they are and I think they're great!

Goonergirl14 · 09/06/2019 11:08

My 7 year old DS has autism, my 5 year old DC is 5 is NT. I do agree with the genetics theory though my strong belief is it was my elder DC's traumatic birth that was the cause ( he had MAS and was on ECMO, the consultant who diagnosed my son hinted this could have been the cause as does not run in either mine or DH's family). I feel fortunate in my way as my son is high functioning but the main issue is trying to accommodate 2 very different children. DS2 is sociable and will try different things, DS1 as expected is not as sociable and is very reluctant usually to try new things. It can be very difficult but I don't regret for a minute having DS2, he is a clever and thoughtful little boy and really helps DS1. It is a hard decision having another child, I was offered blood tests when DS1 was diagnosed but I declined.

Forkinguglyandproud · 09/06/2019 11:10

P. S don't think if you have a girl she won't have a risk of autism too. Girls get it too, but are just better at masking it. We have a daughter with autism. She's very good at copying what her friends do and looks quite NT, but if you know autism you can see the signs. We were told by people that no she won't have autism, as she's a girl.

Branleuse · 09/06/2019 11:13

yes its often genetic. Even in families where only one kid has a diagnosis, I can usually see traits in their siblings or parents, but maybe not enough to warrant them or for it to occur to them to pursue a diagnosis.
As someone who has three kids with autism, and then got diagnosed last year myself (im in my 40s) its made me look at the whole thing really differently. Im told all the time and can see that neurotypical kids often have problems and difficulties too, and autistic kids arent all difficult or a problem. Most difficulties there are ways to manage these things, and support is important (for you as much as anyone) Its also not less prevalent in girls, we are discovering this more and more, but it presents differently in girls and they are able to often mask for longer

theWarOnPeace · 09/06/2019 11:16

Most research is pointing towards polygenetic factors.

We have 3 children, one child with autism. They are the loveliest trio of humans, and like any good relationship, they all contribute to each other being the best that they can be. My son with autism wouldn’t be doing so well without his NT siblings, and the NT children have been enriched and improved from an early age, having to be very kind, understanding, and patient.

Yes to girls being underdiagnosed rather than not being affected.

Act of God? Please don’t use that turn of phrase to describe people with autism. I don’t speak for them all, but I would be seriously fucked off if someone said that to me in relation to my child. There is no god, and if there was, I doubt that he/she twiddles about with people’s genes for a laugh. Or the other way in which the term is often used - speaking about natural disasters, is also not appropriate. Never mind the fact that it’s used by insurers to get out of paying out claims.

FlorencesHunger · 09/06/2019 11:19

Yanbu op, my only child dd is asd and adhd and it finalised my choice not to have more dc if I had the option in future. Partly its a normal choice of I am not in a position to consider it, single and I wouldn't want to start again when she is older just go through the struggles all over again. But that kind of applies for a nt child too.

I want to give her my all and enjoy my life too. If I ever did change my mind I would probably do genetic testing first.

Fundays12 · 09/06/2019 11:27

My oldest has ASD and ADHD and is very challenging at times. He needs constant one to one at school etc but with the right support is learning coping strategies (he is 7 and has come on massively in a year). My toddler is neurotypical and actually very easy compared to his older brother. Although I think having to have so many set routines and boundaries for ds1 has meant it’s been easier in some ways having a second child.

We didn’t know ds1 was autistic until ds2 was a few weeks old (as soon as the nursery said they suspected he was we saw it ourselves). It is hard having 2 kids with very different needs but they are close and love each other.

Having a sibling has helped ds1 so much. I am actually pregnant with our third son (surprise pregnancy) and yes I am worried he may have ASD although truthfully am more worried he will have ADHD as this causes my eldest and us more difficulties than ASD does in a lot of ways.

Only you can decide if you could cope with another child suggest autism and if you want to try for another child knowing it may have ASD.

Nobody knows what causes autism but it’s not true that girls are less affected than boys. They are much less diagnosed unfortunately due to diagnostic criteria. I am sure some of hubbys female relative shows signs of it but have never had a diagnosis. They are actually changing the diagnostic criteria to help identify girls in parts of the country now thankfully.

nancyclancy123 · 09/06/2019 11:36

I have 3 boys and a girl and it’s my daughter that has ASD, she is the youngest. Fortunately there is a huge age gap between her and her brothers so we’ve been able to focus on her a great deal more than if they’d been closer in age.

If she’d been my first I honestly couldn’t answer if I’d have anymore, it’s bloody hard going especially for her and I can’t imagine having to juggle a younger sibling.
My dd is 8 and things are easier than what they were, she’s in the right school now and making good progress, which is really positive for her. There are lots of families at her school who have more than one ASD child.

Monstermissy36 · 09/06/2019 11:47

My youngest two boys have asd.... my dad does, my nephews do and I suspect one of my brothers. I absolutely think it's genetic in our case. However they is a vast difference in the abilities of my youngest kids their autism is very different and one manages well while the other has struggled a lot particularly in school.

whinetime89 · 09/06/2019 11:52

I have three children- oldest DD has ASD and ADHD my youngest two are NT.

honeylulu · 09/06/2019 11:58

I have two children, age 14 and 5. Eldest was recently diagnosed with ASD and is in the waiting list for ADHD (but we've been told he almost certainly does have it).

When my son was young it was said autism was not genetic. We also didn't realise for a long time because he just seemed like a "wild" boy, he was our only and we had no comparator, and primary school fobbed us off when we expressed concerns about his behaviour. (To be fair he is high functioning, does not have sensory issues and the ADHD element is the bigger problem = complete lack of focus.)

We had secondary infertility so a big gap between the two, so statistically there should have been a higher chance of a second child having ASD but we didn't really start to realise that was the issue with eldest until year 6 (by which time our second had recently been born).

During his assessment process it was noted that I also have many of the female-presented ASD traits (I was relieved actually, is spent my life feeling like a square peg in a round hole, desperately trying to fit!). I also realised my dad probably has aspergers (it would explain so much) and my sister and her eldest son also show many traits.

Had we realised earlier, we may well have decided not to have a second child, but thankfully she seems completely NT.

I love my son to bits and understand him very well now. But he will always have his struggles, especially with social life/friendships, which is so very sad at times and I worry about him a lot. I do sometimes think it might have been better not to pass on my ASD genes, yes.

Original poster

justfinishthesandwich · 09/06/2019 12:11

To be honest war, it is something of a natural disaster for my son.

I will describe it as I see fit and you may continue to do the same.

OP posts:

Pinkgin22 · 09/06/2019 17:12

& some research suggests it’s only 40% genetics.
It’s largely unknown atm.
1ds with asd & apd. 1 ds NT.
I think whilst girls are undiagnosed it affects boys more severely- those diagnosed level 2&3 much more likely to be boys.

freshstartnewme · 09/06/2019 17:15

CAHMS told me a few weeks ago the ratio of boy:girl is almost even now in terms of who they are seeing come through for diagnosis.

Bubblysqueak · 09/06/2019 17:16

My eldest ds has asd, my youngest doesn't, but I do suspect dyslexia although he's too young to test yet.

WellTidy · 09/06/2019 17:25

My youngest son is very very severely affected by ASD. I have an elder son who has ASD traits. The extent of my youngest’s difficulties mean that it will never be in the cards for us to have another. None of us would be able to cope. It would break us all to have another child with difficulties. If we could be given a cast iron guarantee that a third child would be neurotypical, then maybe we would have tried again, but that ship has sailed. It has made me realise how perilously we are holding things together.

rainbowbash · 09/06/2019 17:26

I would recommend genetic councelling/testing. DC1 has severe Asd and we had genetic testing. she has a very rare chromosome deletion which causes her issues. DH and I have been tested and her condition is 'de novo', i.e. not inherited. chances of having another child with the same condition are close to zero.

we had testing under the NHS. if you consider another child, it's worth looking into it. often genetics cannot identify a single underlying cause but sometimes it does and it may help you to decide what to do.

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