Did your relationship with your in laws change after you had a baby?

[Vicksonsocks]

I think mine has, and I'm not sure why.

DH comes from quite a big, close family. I've always got on well with his parents and siblings, we're a bit different, but who isn't.

We had our first baby last year, and I feel that something has changed, but I'm not sure what. Much to everyone's surprise, we had the first grandaughter - all the rest are boys. DH's sisters are older than him and for years there was much talk, and in my opinion, competition between them over who would have the first girl. So I'm not sure if that's what's caused this.

At family events, I feel like when I walk into a room, they've all been talking about me. You know when everyone sort of goes silent and looks at you, but all you were doing was popping back in for your sunglasses or something? There have been some quite pointed remarks about me breastfeeding, and eye rolling/sneering when I said no to months old DD being given ice cream/chocolate. There have been some pointed remarks over other things I do with DD too. I don't think I do anything particularly noteworthy.

I can't put my finger on what it is, and written down it doesn't look much. But the whole atmosphere has changed. I'm almost positive it's not my imagination. DH, typically, has noticed nothing. It's definitely since having DD. Yet I'm almost positive I've done nothing to cause offence in any way

This happened to me OP. Just ignore it. I do and just live my life’s the way I want to live it. If they want to bitch about stuff, let them. It’ll only cost them in the long run.

Yeah, especially with my first, but we got through it. MIL struggled (in my opinion) with not being the mother, or even my mother. We were at odds with what we believed to be right for my dd. She also refused to believe my dd had colic until she spent half a day with her at 5 months and she screamed the entire time (she always screamed, it wasnt becausr I left her). As more grandbabies came along, she became less pushy. We had a tricky couple of years but as dd got older we found a balance. I think mils sometimes need time to adjust to being a grandma.

Following

Leave them to it. Their loss.

Know how you feel though. We had a dd and my SIL was most annoyed for some reason - she has 2 dd and 3 ds but all older. There is a big gap between her and DH.
My PIL refered to dd as their baby and every choice we made was met with odd comments about being their baby...... this continued until they wanted to care for dd while drunk and we refused (obviously).

As I say their loss

Not my in-laws but my own sister, and it was because I chose to do things differently to her, she took it as a personal insult. Sounds like with your SiL's the same thing is happening. You're "rejecting" their way and they feel like you think you're better than them and that you're intimating by your actions (which aren't in any way wrong) their way wasn't good enough, so they have to deride the choices you're making. It's more about them than about you.

That's my take on it anyway.

Hmm yes. Things definitely changed but I know the reason was a generational issue for me.

The breast feeding thing, not giving chocolate or crap to my baby were something I was absolutely adamant about.
In their day, no one breast fed and you just “fed” the baby treats.

I am quite a strong minded type and no means no so it can be somewhat alienating. There was obviously zero conversation about my choice to breast feed.

To be completely honest, looking at the bigger picture, my oldest is now a teen, it doesn’t make a shite of difference what they think now and what their opinion is about how you patent.
Kids grow up, families rub along and we all do stuff differently. It’s not like they are going to confront you and have a blazing row about it!

Meh, I really wouldn’t mither about any of it, just crack on it really doesn’t matter.

Yes this happened to me too. In my case there was an expectation that I would follow advice from mil, most of which was outdated and at worst unkind. I didn't.
My sil decided that I was unfit/not coping and still has an air of feeling sorry for my child about her. I'm not really sure where this came from and ignore as best I can.
It's a real shame because these people could be more involved and a source of support if they weren't so bloody judgmental.

Op keep doing your thing. Just ignore them and get on with parenting. Try not to let them undermine you and hopefully they'll begin to respect you and your choices.

Yes FIL became a bit of a prick after previously being much nicer and Mil became nicey nicey after previously being a bit of a snide bitch.

I found things changed for the worse too. I think in my case it's because suddenly you have something they want - which is the right to decide how to bring up your DC / their GC. I get quite a lot of what I suspect my MIL thinks are subtle comments but are actually really obvious passive aggressive digs. It means I don't particularly enjoy seeing them now - and of course they want to see us loads so they can see the GC.....

My sil reception aged child's teeth are black from eating too many sweets and not brushing yet her house is spotless because she spends every minute cleaning (she doesn't work). It shocks me tbh!

Ours has changed for the better, they come to our house weekly to see dd which is lovely and I'm really happy with that.

I do think mil in particular judges some of my choices and thinks I'm a bit neurotic and I probably am tbf. PFB 😁

The "something they want" theory rings true. I did wonder if it wasn't so much that they had an issue with me personally, it's more the fact that "an outsider" has final veto over a junior member of "the family". I wouldn't have thought pre DD that they considered me an outsider, but I think in their view, child rearing is up there with organising birthday parties and funereals, as something that only the original family should do, ie PILS and their children. They may expect me to rely on them more and ask their advice - the SILs tend to quite a lot. It wouldn't occur to me to: I was raised to be very independent and not to "put upon" people

I honestly don't know what their issue is, but I'm almost positive I'm not imagining it, there's been too many comments and "atmospheres" and they've all been after we had the baby, after eight years of nothing!

I do get the feeling FIL in particular isn't really a fan of me now, his behaviour has definitely changed. The SILs are very much daddy's girls so I wonder if he's cross at me because I have the thing his girls wanted (the only girl baby in the family)

I think the whole notion of “family” can be so toxic. It’s put forward in our culture as being so utterly important and it’s causes people to accept being treated like utter shite.

So many people are such weirdos about it.

Mine changed, but it was because they don't like babies. So I went from seeing them multiple times a week to hardly ever. I can't remember the last time I saw MIL.

Yeah same SIL is the golden child has several boys made it no secret she was desperate for a girl since second pg, the only girl GC belong to me Nd the other DIL....

I had the same thing only I had the first boy. Pil were all over me. Best part of 49 years later I tell everyone we were treated like film stars 😀.
All very well but I got the back lash from the in laws especially the daughters and DIL who had girls.
Very uncomfortable when I realised what it was.

Ils made loads of effort when I met dh. Also with my dc from previous relationship. When we had their one and only dgc they dumped us. Genuinely no idea why.
Mil did once mention dh's ex wanted his dc!! Dh ended that relationship as she wanted serious and he didn't.
She saw ds 3 times in 4 months despite living ten mins away. Then stopped contacting us. Then fil followed suit even after dh pleaded with him to see him /ds /all of us!
Been over 4 years...

Yes! MIL made such an effort with me while dating and while i was pregnant, we used to go round fortnightly for dinner. Once DS came along she was a good grandma for a few weeks, although her constant hounding to have DS overnight was overwhelming when he was a few months I allowed her to have him overnight and she did that once a fortnight just for the evening / night / morning so DP and I could catch up on sleep and that. When he started teething she cancelled the stay over which was fine then cancelled the next and kept going until she hadn’t even seen DS for months (still not an issue to me).

What was an issue is when she accused me of stopping her seeing her grandson and said I make no effort (she lives a short bus ride away, i go to uni & work & have an almost 2 year old) and she refused everytime we asked to go round for an hour or for dinner. Just got worse from there!

Also, DP has a child from previous relationship (her first GS) and she see’s him twice a week

I think it's because you have control over something they ultimately don't - how to bring up a child that is in the family, but your child, not theirs. You can shoot down advice or do things totally differently.

I think family dynamics do change when grandchildren start being born, and when there are multiple grandchildren. All of a sudden, the matriarchs of the family aren't calling the shots. If there is more than one set of grandchildren, parent's may choose to do things differently, which can sometimes be taken badly by the first set of parents to have a GC. I think there's just a big shift.

I think that you don't notice it so much with your own family because you are used to your family and generally feel more comfortable speaking out. My DM can read my like a book and I don't even have to say anything for her to know what is irritating me.

Absolutely it changed our relationship, they are jealous that we got a girl, and roll their eyes at our opinions and thoughts.
MIL spent ages lecturing me on a certain opinion of hers (over several visits to make sure I was very clear on it) and just found out that we decided to do the exact opposite. You could see the shock and disgust written all over her face. Directed at me, not DH of course

Things changed for me to - not with my mum and dad at all (they were fabulous, never passed any judgments about anything, never turned up out of the blue, respected our space, helped when asked etc). FIL was chilled too. But MIL was a bit more of a challenge. Her issue was largely her not agreeing with me going back to work full time and putting child into nursery. There were a few other things though as well - car seat arguments were a biggie (she thought it was fine to have some friends 20 year old car seat that friend bought from a car boot), also some issues with choice of foods (not adding salt etc). But I've learned to ignore when appropriate and assert myself when appropriate.

Yep! And not for the better! But it's ok and that's enough. We used to really like/love each other. In retrospect maybe it's only natural that the honeymoon period wore off. I look back and think she saw me as a walking womb.

Yes, our relationship definitely changed because their expectation of what it meant to be a grandparent and mine differed A LOT and they didn't get "their way" (breast fed vs. formula, no overnights vs. lots of them etc).

The relationship definitely soured when I had a miscarriage and the first thing she said was: you can still have a baby, right? No thought to my personal wellbeing or how I was coping: it was could I carry another grandchild for them. I used to look at my in-laws as my second set of parents but after having children, I feel very much on the outside of 'their family'.