Did your relationship with your in laws change after you had a baby?

[Vicksonsocks]

I think mine has, and I'm not sure why.

DH comes from quite a big, close family. I've always got on well with his parents and siblings, we're a bit different, but who isn't.

We had our first baby last year, and I feel that something has changed, but I'm not sure what. Much to everyone's surprise, we had the first grandaughter - all the rest are boys. DH's sisters are older than him and for years there was much talk, and in my opinion, competition between them over who would have the first girl. So I'm not sure if that's what's caused this.

At family events, I feel like when I walk into a room, they've all been talking about me. You know when everyone sort of goes silent and looks at you, but all you were doing was popping back in for your sunglasses or something? There have been some quite pointed remarks about me breastfeeding, and eye rolling/sneering when I said no to months old DD being given ice cream/chocolate. There have been some pointed remarks over other things I do with DD too. I don't think I do anything particularly noteworthy.

I can't put my finger on what it is, and written down it doesn't look much. But the whole atmosphere has changed. I'm almost positive it's not my imagination. DH, typically, has noticed nothing. It's definitely since having DD. Yet I'm almost positive I've done nothing to cause offence in any way

Yes, my in laws are not bad people at all, but at the same time as a PP said, it doesn't inspire you to want to spend much time with them.

I've known these people for the best part of a decade, and I didn't expect this. It does seem to be that seeing your child become a parent represents the last bit of control or something, and they struggle to let go

Yes. Unfortunately it has completely broken down. Various complicated reasons, but DH has tried and failed to overcome the issues, and we are now NC

It's very sad and we are grieving the loss of our relationship with them as well as the lost opportunity for our DC(s) to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this:
" It does seem to be that seeing your child become a parent represents the last bit of control or something, and they struggle to let go"

I recommend the books "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward. Even if it seems that his parents are "not that bad" you might be surprised by the insights you find.

Mine changed, I suddenly was doing everything wrong because I was not doing the same they did for their kids, from my SIL thinking I was an idiot for insisting on breastfeeding when there was formula available to tell me off because according to them I was not raising DS as they would expect.

BUT, and this is a big BUT, I also saw the same happening with friends who had older children. There is something to motherhood that incites competition in a “my child is not going to be less than yours!” way. I have often found myself lying about how good a sleeper DS was or how bad his health was because there was always someone ready to put me down (apparently being a good sleeper was because I was “over feeding” and my child health problems which required an operation at 5m were all “in my imagination”. I even had someone telling me I may have caused the problem myself even when DS was born with the condition.

Yes, it definitely became more challenging. Their expectation was that they would be regularly looking after DD from a young age and having her overnight. It rubbed me up the wrong way as they kept talking about it while I was pregnant and I became very protective when she was born and didn’t want to be away from her, and they were quite pushy about it. There were a lot of things I had to put my foot down over like trying to feed her all sorts and ultimately they didn’t like being told no. MIL also came up with a daft grandmother name for herself that DH and I weren’t impressed by (and would have felt daft saying it as adults, think Ga-Ga instead of Grandma) and she got really offended that we wouldn’t say it!

I’m probably against the grain here but our relationship got better. They have different opinions to me (would have introduced ice cream / chocolate at 4mo) but have always chosen to support what we’ve decided. Equally I do try to involve them by asking for help or opinions about stuff I don’t always need help with. They aren’t as close with us as my SIL GC but I do try to keep them happy and involved.

Previously, Husband would visit them on his own and they never came to visit us (3 years in one house). Now it’s every other month.

I've found this thread very interesting as we definitely noticed this. I do think it's when they lose that last bit of control when you dont do what they expect you to do. My in laws weren't happy that I went back to work and I think its because it shows it can easily be done and she didn't do it, so cast a doubt on her past capabilities. Plus I had carried on contributing to the family pot, and she hadnt.

Plus she didn't want my children to go on to further education, because hers hadn't.

Yes, but mainly because I refused to put up with her crap, manipulating, drama and arguments with dh had anymore as I didn't want ds to witness it.

Thankfully she lived at the other end of the country so we only saw her twice a year, 3 max. When we did everyone was together all the time for a few days and it just got too intense, I told her she was always welcome to visit and we'd go out as a family, eat at ours, etc but she couldn't stay at ours as we obviously needed breathing space from each other. I told dh he could visit his mum himself whenever he wanted, he went twice and never went down again.

My mil went batshit after ds came along. We got on really well for years. On the day I went into labour, we’d been for a long walk. Then she just changed overnight. Wouldn’t visit unless dh was home, despite invites. When she did visit, it was all passive aggressive comments and judgements of my parenting.
I think she really struggled with not being “the mother” any more. Its not got any better over the years. She’s made it perfectly obvious that she much prefers to see dh & ds without me around. I’ve given up trying by now & just let them get on with it.
She makes everything so weird & uncomfortable that we barely see her. A big shame, but her loss IMO.

cattaxi that is absolutely shocking...how can people change so quickly?

I do think having a newborn sends everyone a little bonkers, but then it goes from there I suppose

Wow I'm so shocked so many people have the same experience. The same for me - overnight suddenly they thought they were in charge, didn't want me breastfeeding, thought they would be having massive overnight stays. I found it really hard and hurtful, and I'm sure from their perspective they did too. Maybe it's a thing...

My relationship with my ILs has got better since having dc. I mean it was pretty fine before but now I feel like we’ve got something more solid linking us together. They adore our dc and are supportive yet respectful of us finding our way as parents. Occasionally they offer the odd bit of passing (outdated) advice but nothing that feels like pressure or interfering. The only person I trusted with them as babies was MIL.

My parents on the other hand...

Not my in- laws, they are great. But my parents yes. I always thought we had a good relationship and they loved my DH.

Like you OP, the atmosphere completely changed when I had DC. It is stifling . They stress about so much stuff that you just can’t relax. I am so, so stressed when they are around and the kids play up too. I dread their visits which is so sad. I spend hours of time thinking about it as if I could put my finger on what was wrong maybe I could change it. I wonder if, as Slicedpineapple says, it’s that we have control over how to bring up DC.

The worst bit is, like bitchfromhell describes, the air of feeling sorry for our DC. My mum occasionally tells me I am doing a good job but the attitude of both my parents clearly implies they think DH and I are doing it all wrong and are destroying our children . It’s awful and oppressive and I don’t know how to stop it . Might have a look at the Toxic Parents book.

@Vicksonsocks it’s baffling. And such a shame, because she’s the one missing out on lots of lovely family time. We are due ds2 soon, which will probably shift the whole dynamic again.
I’ve given up caring about what she thinks of me, but I feel so sad for dh. He is a very lovely man, and she is turning into such a bitter woman as the years pass.

MIL didn't like the fact I breast fed (its no natural, ye ken ) and refused to make any kind of effort to understand DD1's allergies. TBF to her, she had had a very weird upbringing herself, which had clearly stopped her thinking for herself at all. She was all about sons, and kept going on about how I had to keep having babies to give then DH a son. The fact he already had a son from a previous marriage didn't matter. She disapproved strongly of me stopping having children after 2 girls.

But I saw her as much as I ever did. She was just as mad as a box of frogs at the best of times. I was just too modern for words.

I had it with my parent in laws and my sil.

There was only 3 months difference in the cousins so I was always compared to sil. I was apparently doing something wrong because ds slept through 7-7 from 4 months old . My niece didn’t and they were driving her around at 3am to get her to sleep. But I was the one in the wrong.

I breastfed and I was told it wasn’t natural I should put him on a bottle like my niece was even though ds was gaining weight okay.

I didn’t buy the same pram/cot/Moses basket/changing mat/etc so mine wasn’t as good as sil.

I found it really upsetting at the time. We moved away but the comparisons still happened. The only thing they haven’t compared on is the GCSE results because my ds did better

I found that I went from rounded human being to "child producer/rearer". They stopped calling me the name I have always been called (a shortened, "boyish" version of my name - think Alex rather than Alexandra) and made a point of addressing me and sending correspondence by my first name. They were openly unhappy that I hadn't carried on the family name by having a boy. We live abroad so don't see them often, but when we do and DH is out of the room, they play a version of Mastermind where they quiz me on all aspects of my (not our, my) parenting. Often with pursed lips and judgmental "hmmms" after the answers. Then I get the, "Make sure you're looking after our grandchildren" when we leave. As if it hadn't occured to me to take care of my own kids.

It's odd really, because they are nothing but nice in all other areas and so generous on birthdays, Christmas, etc. When we visit them they can't do enough for the kids. I genuinely like them, believe it or not! But to them, I'm basically fulfilling a role now and they have no interest in me besides how I'm faring in quality as a mother.

My mil doesn’t like that both my bil’s wife and I work full time in fairly high profile jobs that are equal to or higher than our husbands’, and maintain our homes; while sil couldn’t cope and so is now a housewife.

But it comes from a place of insecurity - sil has MH issues that mean she isn’t a safe person for her son to be around when she’s stressed in any way. So for her while it’s the right decision, mil views it as a failing in her parenting.

Mil never had daughters, but has lots of strong opinions about how they should be raised. She got to indulge some of these fantasies when sil passed away and she became very involved in raising my nieces, but didn’t get to call the shots with mine. I think that’s been the crux of a lot of tension because she, (and I!) quietly, (bitchily,) mentally make comparisons between the girls and think our way was better!

Sort of. Until DS was born, I was just DH's new girlfriend, his parents weren't very interested in me (I got pregnant early on in our relationship). Then when we took DS round to their house after he was born, FIL picked him up, looked at him and declared him DH's son

After that, I was accepted fully into the family. Since DH died, his brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews have kind of adopted me and invited me to lots of family things, despite not bothering with any of us while DH was alive.

Teddy bear sounds like you look down on your SIL because she has Mh issues and can't work. You clearly think you are superior, no wonder they don't like you.

Yes defo!! Mil got all jealous and nasty with it!! Also another one who couldn't understand why she couldn't have dd on her own when dd was weeks old, got all clingy to dp!! Nasty cow she was!! Xx

'My mil doesn’t like that both my bil’s wife and I work full time in fairly high profile jobs that are equal to or higher than our husbands’, and maintain our homes; while sil couldn’t cope and so is now a housewife'

Yeah, of course it's the pretty standard act of an ability to have children, work FT and maintain a house that your MIL doesn't like

Mine showed absolutely no interest in me in the 8 years I’d been with dh (and barely showed any interest in him either) we live far away and they never visited, called etc. I had no relationship with them and wasn’t bothered. When Ds1 was born mil became incredibly obsessive, constantly wanting to visit and stay over, Skype the baby and has been very upset that we don’t meet her demands of visiting as often as she wants or letting her completely take over and play mum to our children. I find the change in behaviour annoying but my dh is quite saddened by the fact that she had no interest in him or us before the kids came along.

This thread is so insightful.
My in-laws always seemed okay, maybe a little closed with their emotions. Mil admitted having a favourite child, not my dh, and said that fil favoured youngest child. I thought that they would love being grandparents. Mil initially seemed interested. Dh and I parented differently to how they did. The relationship has changed for the worst. Dh’s Sibling has a child, in-laws very invested in this , but not mine.