AIBU to think it's not right for a childminder to say this to a child? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[TheChildChomper]

I live on a small cul-de-sac, moved here just a few months ago. My neighbour from a few doors down is a childminder. My DS is friends with her DS, and my DS often also plays with her charges out on the cul-de-sac. I'm fairly friendly with her in general neighbourly terms. We sometimes chat and take each other's DS's to softplay etc, but we're not bff's or anything. We don't hang out together.

My DS has also become quite friendly with a particular child that stays with her sometimes. He's not one of her charges, he's one of her friends kid's, but he comes round occasionally for play dates/sleep overs with her DS. She sometimes allows this boy to come round to our house to play with my DS in DS's bedroom/garden.

He came round again to today and went upstairs to DS's room to play. 10 mins later neighbour is banging aggressively on my door. I let her in and she's shouting and swearing about how this boy hadn't told her he was coming round to play with my DS, that he'd left her back door wide open and "...I don't know what he thinks he's bloody playing at!" She storms upstairs to my DS's room and really lays into this kid. He's about 7 or 8 yrs old.

Now don't get me wrong, he most certainly should have told her if he was leaving the house and, while I thought she was ott with the shouting and swearing, I do understand her panic so tried to reserve my judgment. But what she said to him next had me a bit

"You don't really know OP. Do you know that OP eats children, hmm?!! She does you know!!" she says, in all seriousness. Not even in a remotely joking manner. "She could've eaten you and I wouldn't even know!"

My DS giggles and says "my mum doesn't eat children" But she replies to my DS with "yes she does, why do you think you have no brothers or sisters? Cos she's eaten them all. You're the lucky one!"^

My DS is an only child.

I'm now flabbergasted and lost for words, but before I get a chance to step in she demands this boy downstairs and marches him off back to her house while she tells my DS to get his shoes on as he can play at hers instead. But my DS is clearly a bit disturbed by whats just happened and keeps nervously saying to her he doesn't want to go, so I tell her he needs a bit of space and show her the door.

DS then asks me "you don't eat children, do you mum?"

Of course I put him straight but I've had to spend the best part of 10 mins talking to him about emotions and panic and sometimes people say and do daft things in a panic. But I'm a bit narked if I'm honest that a childminder of all people was unable to control herself enough that she shouted, swore and frightened a young child with such a horrid story.

Now I'm not so sure I want my DS going round there any more. AIBU to tell DS not to go in her house again? Or am I being a bit precious and should just accept she just wasn't acting rationally in her panic?

I really think you need to report this behaviour to foster and the children's parents if you are able to. She sounds unhinges. God knows what she is saying in private if that's what she says in earshot if another adult! I would not want her looking after my children!!

Ofsted not foster!

I’m guessing the child minder is not British .

report her behaviour please. People wonder why I am wary of anyone looking after DD. This explains exactly why.

I thought this was going to be pearl clutching over mild swearing, but...with "yes she does, why do you think you have no brothers or sisters? Cos she's eaten them all. You're the lucky one!"^? She sounds either deeply unpleasant or half witted! Definitely one to avoid....

I'm a bit narked

That is a serious under-reaction.

Your DS needs you to model that this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from someone - you should have stood up for yourself at once and told her in no uncertain terms that she was being offensive.

I’m guessing the child minder is not British
She is British.

please clarify - you say that this boy is not one of her charges. I'm assuming as it's the weekend she is not childminding and this boy is just visiting as a friend.
It's one of her friend's children. Her friend is ill so she's looking after her friends kids for the weekend. She does often childmind at weekends, but I've not seen any of her charges out playing on the street so I don't think she's childminding today, no.

I appreciate that if she's not working, she's not being paid to take care of this child, and none of her charges were in the presence of this episode, so in terms of OFSTED I'm not certain they'd be interested either. But as pp's have said, it is disconcerting that she's in this kind of role but has no filter that stops her telling a young child such a wild horror story, and then using my DS being an only-child to back up her tale to really instill that fear.

I would try and speak to her mindees parents if I possibly could.
I don't know the child's mother, never seen her, no idea of her name or where she lives etc. My neighbour also has lots of various jobs in addition to childminding, so has lots of visitors throughout each day to her home. I wouldn't know who this child's mother would be, even if I tried to watch out for her.

What was the swearing?
Mainly 'bloody' but the odd f-word slipped in there too. Tbh I'm not overly precious at the odd swear word, I've explained to my DS that sometimes adults use swear words but he's not to ever use them. Sometimes if he doesn't understand a word he'll ask me if it's swearing and if it's something he can say. But in this particular scenario the swearing was just adding to the overall aggressiveness and inappropriateness of it as a whole.

While I'm generally a person who is fairly quiet and keeps herself-to-herself, I am someone who pipes up if I think something is out of order and I've confronted her before when her DS has hit my DS round at her house. But this kind of really took me back and left me speechless. And it all happened in such a whirlwind. Afterwards I was playing back in my head thinking, did I really just hear all that??

Wow OP that's insane first hats off to you for keeping so calm having some loon like that bursting into your home and then saying batshit things to your DS I don't think I'd have remained as calm as that specially in my own home

Also I think you should report her yes panic can make us do stupid things and say stupid things but I'd be worried if this was my child she was meant to be looking after I bet she's scared the poor child

Haha I love your username OP.

She sounds nuts, I’d be inclined to tell her charges parents if you ever get chance...

If she is like that in front of an adult what is she like when child minding behind closed doors?

Wait a day or two for the dust to settle then go round for a chat. Tell her whilst you understand her panic(if anything happened kiss good bye to her career) the way she handled it was too far. Scaring her friends child is one thing but potentially making your own child terrified of you is not OK. I would ask her to apologise to your son. Then keep the kids apart for a little while unless playing out front. Thankfully summer is coming.

Your DS needs you to model that this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from someone - you should have stood up for yourself
I agree with you to an extent, and I did tell her that my DS now needed time alone at home and showed her out. And then had a calm chat with my DS. Because it also happens that my DS is currently having issues with controlling his own emotions. He panics himself a fair bit, has come to be quite fearful of a lot of everyday things/situations and he has intense emotional outbursts. As an only-child, and I was a SAHM for the first 5 yrs of his life, he's always suffered with a degree of separation anxiety, and goes through bouts of clinginess with me. His father and I are trying to teach him how to remain calm, how to handle difficult situations and control our emotions. So we're also trying to set an example of not flying off the handle ourselves.

But in all honesty , the whole thing left me a bit lost for words and wondering wtf I'd just witnessed. I was totally unprepared and it was all a bit of a 'rabbit caught in headlights' sort of moment for me. But I'm actually glad my DS didn't see me lose my shit, as I think his own emotions would have gone into total overdrive again.

But I obviously am concerned about her own ability to stay calm and collected when she is childminding, as well as what else she may be saying when my DS is round there.

I'd distance myself. Mainly due to her comments about lack of siblings. She has no idea about why and your life choices and it actually sounded judgemental.

Good grief, I would not be allowing any further contact until she apologised and told both children the truth. Ridiculous behaviour.

YANBU that's terrible behaviour for someone who is supposedly a professional at dealing with kids (even if she wasn't a professional in this capacity).

I'd distance myself. Mainly due to her comments about lack of siblings. She has no idea about why and your life choices and it actually sounded judgemental.

It was rather cutting on a personal level as my DS is an only child as I had a miscarriage after we tried to conceive a sibling, and a miscarriage with an ex before my DH. I have PCOS and other health issues and was lucky to conceive and carry DS to term. I had a difficult pregnancy, difficult birth and was left with PTS. We decided after the miscarriage to conceive a sibling it wasn't worth putting myself through any further stress and mh issues so we called it a day on having any more children. We just count our lucky stars that we have DS.

She doesn't know any of this though. She has asked if I'm having more kids, and questioned why I only have the one, remarking that my DS has "only child syndrome". I just laugh it off with "one's hard enough work for me!" or "I'm too old now to cope with more than one!" I'm not close enough to her to divulge that kind of personal info, so I can't ask her to be sensitive to me for something she knows nothing about. But it did feel shit.

I can get over feeling a bit shit though. Kids on the other hand take longer to get over certain things. DS will struggle to sleep if he's got something playing on his mind. I'd hate to think he could be laid awake night after night worrying that mummy might eat him!

OK, fair enough, I can understand that you were WTF in the moment, and keeping it together for your DS.

But I absolutely now wouldn’t let my DS be playing with her or her DC/DC she’s minding, and I’d go round to have words to that effect. Totally batshit behaviour and I am serious about modelling that we don’t allow people to say unkind things totally unchallenged. The more you’ve posted about her the worse she sounds.

Report her to OFSTED.

Has she said this before about you, or other parents of only children, I wonder? It's horrific - she's batshit!

She was rude, shouted, swore, was extremely antagonistic and made up lies about you in your own home in front of your own DC, and someone else's DC, whom she is being paid to look after.

It's wrong on so many levels.

What if that little boy tells the other children in the cul-de-sac about you eating children? None of the children will want to come round to play, or play with your DC. I'd be reporting her to OFSTED and telling them the whole story, including the swearing, shouting and how her safeguarding is shite, not to mention the rest.

And it does sound like something Roald Dahl would write, I thought that, too!

And regarding her saying that your DC has only child syndrome, if you do decide to go round and challenge her and call her out, mention that and please* tell her that she has bat shit crazy, not safe to be a child minder syndrome, for coming out with ridiculous comments about you eating children!

God she sounds fucking awful. for your losses.

Ok you sound like a very patient and tolerant person. I think maybe you need to be a little bit more assertive.

You say before this event she said your son has " only child syndrome" she had absolutely no right to say that and I would have corrected her and put her in her place then.

She is clearly an interfering loon. On balance though I think before you cut ties with her I would be asking for her to apologise to your ds as she has caused him distress. If she apologises cut ties and if you choose to allow your son to play with hers do it outside the house and not in her house but to be honest probably best they don't play together anymore. If she doesn't apologise even more reason to cut ties but I would explain to you son why.

Yes I was thinking she's getting into the Roald Dahl books to much alsoIt's amazing how many people work with children shouldn't be anywhere near them. She sounds dangerous don't leave you child anyway near her place . Totally unnecessary and deranged behaviour and making you a threat in the child's eyes that's not on.

Leaving aside what she told the other child, going from what you've said she actually said to your son that you do eat children and that's why he has no siblings?! I would leave it until no children were present and tell her face to face (or via txt if you don't want to see her assuming you have her number) that this was a vile and very hurtful thing to say to your son and that in future your child will be having nothing to do with amy of hers, they are no longer invited into your home or garden and that your son will not be coming into her home or garden. Then I'd tell my son that unfortunately as she is a lady who says very hurtful things we aren't friends with her anymore and can't go into each other's houses because we don't want this to happen again. If they play out on the street or whatever fine, but he mustn't go into their home and her charges/ kids can't come into yours.
What a hurtful thing to say, and it doesn't sound like something someone would think of off the top of their heads, she sounds like a very nasty woman.

I think maybe you need to be a little bit more assertive.
Please don't mistake me for being a wimp. My DH says I can get too fiery when I jump into protective mode. I can get a bit 'PFB' so I've started to re-evaluate my own reactions. My DH thinks DS lacks resilience because of my protectiveness. The first time I ever met this neighbour I went round all guns blazing as her DS punched my DS in the eye and left him with a shiner. I was livid. She refused to answer the door to me initially but I refused to budge until she did. But she ended up very very apologetic and practically in tears. I left feeling sorry for her (although didnt show it as wanted to maintain I wouldn't tolerate it). She made her DS apologise and now they've become inseparable besties. Which makes this even harder. My DS absolutely loves her DS, and vice versa, so to stop that friendship would hurt him so much. Her DS is like the sibling mine has never had.

i would take her him round to see her and ask her to explain herself and her lies to him (and you). also would inform her of how mental she is.