She thinks she “helps a lot”

[LilaLollyLou]

We were at a family party last night (DH’s aunt/uncle’s wedding anniversary). I was sat chatting to DH’s cousin and we got talking about childcare and I was talking about different options for my 2 DC. I mentioned to cousin that she’s really lucky that her mum (DH’s aunty) looks after her DGC full time. Aunts retired to do childcare and everyone seems happy with the arrangement.

MIL overhead and then said to me (really announcing to everyone at the table) that I’m really lucky too, as I get a lot of help from her, too. I nodded and said “yup, I’m definitely lucky too”.

So my query is that she looks after 1 of our DC for maybe 2-3 hours ONCE a month. It’s nice that they go out on a trip somewhere during that time, but it’s really more about them having fun, rather than helping me. DC1 is fun, sweet and self-sufficient and easy to spend time with. If she really wanted to help, she could take DC2 too/instead lol. If she comes over for dinner (every few weeks), she will bath 1 of the DC and read a story, but not 2 of them together. Again, it isn’t particularly helpful, as I still have to be upstairs and involved in the whole process. I’ve got our bedtime routine very smooth now, so it’s actually easier and quicker for me to do it alone. And if she cooks (I try to discourage this here), the food is nice, but she uses every single pot and pan in my kitchen and creates an absolute bomb site that I’m left cleaning up.

I don’t expect her help, but I’m puzzled that she thinks she “helps a lot”. Perhaps it was just about her saying it to save face in front of family/aunty?

PIL are busy and have lots of friends, take lovely holidays etc. She retired very early because she wanted to.

AIBU to tell her to relax and enjoy a glass of wine whilst I cook and do kids’ bath/bed routine? It would be far easier for me and then she wouldn’t be “helping”.

DH is an only child. I’m starting to wonder if “all of this help” is about them being looked after in old age??! She mentioned last week about her friend’s daughter making an annexe for her parents to live in and how perfect that arrangement looks. I have no intention of providing any elder care for them! DH travels a lot for work, so he would have very little time for this, either. And the be honest, he’s been very self-sufficient since age 16 (paying his own uni fees and having to pay rent if he lived at home during the uni holidays).

I get this from my mum too.
She gives everyone the impression she does lots of childcare for us.
She really doesn't - the kids are secondary age and will cook their own food etc. My sister will still make comments about how mum won't visit whenever as we need her to help with the kids.
I work part time and am home by 3 every day. We rarely go out together and the kids are old enough to leave for a few hours. I pisses me off

This is very common.

My parents have helped me, but only if it suits them which is of course what I'd expect.

But if I ever had a specific date or event in mind, usually they would say no we can't do that but we can mind him on Tuesday. Then, even if I shrugged over Tuesday they would take him Tuesday and I"d have to feel grateful they had him on Tuesday................

So I had nobody to mind him on the Monday but yet had to feel grateful they'd taken him Tuesday.

If you see what I mean.

It was one comment. Made at a party. Chill out

(If they are anything like my MIL and her sister (or indeed me any my brother) then there will be underlying competitiveness which probably influenced the comment more than her actual views about how much she helps you out.)

My mum does this too, she talks a lot about how much she helps, but she has never taken the kids for me once! It actually greatly upsets me and I have some resentment because her friends often comment on how much my mum helps!

My mil says the same when in reality my 8 yo nephew takes care of her most of the time. They’re in India and he has sweet-talked one of the neighbour’s to make them lunch and bring it round, supervises the maid who comes in to sweep the house, and does light cleaning too. Mil just sits on the chair all day. My sil’s mum, however, takes nephew every weekend and properly takes care of.

Still if you hear mil talk she’s the primary care provider for my nephew lol. I think there is a bit of one upmanship about this sort of stuff - just let it go. You know the truth!

I think she probably just felt defensive in front of the family. Maybe she felt like your comment of "you're so lucky to get so much help" was a dig at her (even thought I'm sure it wasn't intended that way). I think she was just pointing out that she isn't uninvolved (and it does sound like she's a fairly involved grandparent).

I would just ignore the comments OP ( it’s her reality not yours) and maybe (as you say) next time, say ‘actually MIL DC are tired and so I will just bath them and get then into bed quickly , you just relax with a wine/ coffee and I’ll be down soon’

BUT THIS ......is what caught my attention....
And the be honest, he’s been very self-sufficient since age 16 (paying his own uni fees and having to pay rent if he lived at home during the uni holidays).

This ^^ is astounding - he is an only child and had to pay Uni fees and rent? I realise that some families may be in a low income ( I get that) but that seems just mean.

This jumped out at me - DC1 is fun, sweet and self-sufficient and easy to spend time with. Which I'm sure she is. But it's so much more work taking responsibility for DC who aren't your own, maybe especially if they're family as you feel such a huge sense of responsibility. And as you get older, children are tiring. I'm only just 50 and have my nephew often. He's so sweet, and no trouble at all, like your DC1 I guess, but my goodness I'm exhausted after a couple of hours!

What I'm saying is it probably feels like more help to her than it does to you. Which doesn't make you in the wrong or unreasonable at all, just that it's worth bearing in mind that she possibly genuinely thinks she's more use than she is.

Gosh, you sound very entitled. We don’t get an ounce of help from anyone (my elderly parents live abroad, DH’s have died and I have anxiety around using babysitters) - I would be overjoyed if a relative took my DD for a few hours once every few weeks or came round to cook/bath her every now and then. Your MIL doesn’t have to help you, it is her choice. I’m sure she did feel you were having a dig at her (even if that wasn’t your intention). You don’t know how lucky you are to have an involved grandparent in your children’s lives.

She probably thinks she does help a lot and didn’t understand why you weren’t sounding appreciative of her when you were talking to your DH’s cousin.

But yes, do tell her to enjoy a glass of wine whilst you do bedtime or cook. I completely understand how unhelpful some people who think they are being helpful can be.

A better response would have been to remind her its not a competition. Yes from now on if its easier for you make her relax whilst yoh sort the dc.

My mum will tell people all the things she does with my dd.. However she's never had her, during the day or otherwise, we see her less than once a month.. Sometimes even 2 or 3 months and she has no idea what she even likes.
Buying her a dress once a year or so is about it.

Dd is almost 5

@Waterfallgirl if you think that's astounding you'd be shocked at my upbringing. Paper round from the age of twelve (illegal at the time but nevermind!) and had to fund all my own toiletries- not luxuries- deodorant, sanpro. Won a scholarship to boarding school at 16 to do my a levels and expected to sleep on the sofa (my room was rented out) and pay rent in school holidays. My mum was an arsehole! She then actively blocked me from going to university and refused to let me be financially assessed so I got minimum loan and no grant...O suspect she was cheating the benefits system and didn't want to get caught.

Some people are arseholes, and sometimes they have kids 😂

Aunt shouldn't have chimed in with that remark, it was rather defensive but I doubt she gave it much thought and it's best you don't overthink it. It was said, you responded (nicely), over now.

Agree with you about her disrupting your evening routine but as it isn't that often, best to suck it up. She means well. I'm sure she isn't doing a few things for you in the hope of you returning the favour when she is old, doubt that even crossed her mind. She may be fit and well until she is over 90!

Yeah I reckon your MIL felt belittled. However much they do, it’s what they want to do and you can’t change it, ime. Try and accept it, I don’t think it’s entitled to expect a bit of help but you get what you get and hoping for more is fairly pointless.

I do think you need to have clear expectations with your dh on senior care though so you both set clear expectations with them

Sorry, I was confused, it was your MIL and not aunt.

when she says it's a lot she means it's a lot compared to what she thinks you deserve and/or compared to what she feels she ought to give
say nothing but when she needs help from you then you already have license to treat her as she treated you

I think there is a vast difference between looking after your own children and then looking after someone else's (albeit your own grandchildren) young children when you haven't been in sole charge of such a young child for 30 years or more.

As a grandmother, I find childcare massively more tiring and stressful than I did when caring for my own DCs.

Have you not considered, OP, that perhaps to your MIL once a month IS a lot?

When I was a young mum, I wondered why my parents were not keen on babysitting (and actually never did any). They said they had "done their stint" of looking after children and didn't want to do any more. Although I feel differently and I do willingly (well, sort of!) undertake babysitting duties from time to time, I understand now exactly where they were coming from!

Maybe your mil didn’t have any help when she had children. So by her standards her efforts are considerable.
You don’t sound terribly pleased she is helping op, and honestly I doubt she would lining up OAP help either. Be glad you have help and support at all, we don’t and it can be very hard going.

My MIL is like this. And to be fair she does help out a lot. Except it's just my SIL's kids, not our DD.

She's never had her overnight, never offered to help out in anyway, she's never took her anywhere just by herself. And to be fair we've never asked. We're lucky if she sees DD once a month. It's more like every 2, usually when she starts to feel guilty, she'll turn up with a dress or some sort of present and that's that for another couple of months. But get her around other people and she's Gran of the year.

I used to try and facilitate a relationship with them. I want her to have a bond with her grandparents, she has a beautiful relationship with my parents and it makes me sad that it's just not the same with my Inlaws but there's only so much you can do when the other party is just not interested.

Once a month is really not "a lot". Can't see it being a lot in anyone else's world except those who don't like to help but want a medal when they do and much more in return. I think you'll be asked for an annexe!!

They're obviously not short of money if MIL retired early and they take lots of lovely holidays. Buying in care shouldn't be a problem for them as they age.

OP doesn't sound at all entitled to me. She sounds like someone who tolerates her mil doing exactly those things which make her feel good, without actually providing any concrete help at all.
It would drive me nuts if I regularly had someone in my kitchen using every pot and pan and leaving the mess for me to clear up. Real help would be washing up after herself.
Resist the hints for her to move in - no good will come of it!

DH is an only child. I’m starting to wonder if “all of this help” is about them being looked after in old age??! She mentioned last week about her friend’s daughter making an annexe for her parents to live in and how perfect that arrangement looks.
Uh-oh.
DH travels a lot for work, so he would have very little time for this, either.
Uh-oh. If you had an annexe that means you would get landed with the care while DH away. What does your DH think? I would be sure to make crystal clear to him that this is not happening.

I would go with your relax and wine for MIL idea, and if she insists on helping ie one bathtime once per month and you think it's with a view to a "fair exchange" for you driving PiLs about every day, dispensing pills and changing inco pads for ten years then try to meet on more neutral ground where she can't do household "help" eg National trust days out, meeting for coffee etc.

I think this is two separate threads really. I don't think she is helping you at all really! On the other issue, my PILs are in fairly poor health and have followed DH for years wherever he moved for work. They are totally dependent on each other, they don't go out or socialise, MIL doesn't drive and PIL cannot function without instructions. DH has an elder sister who lives about 90mins away but has MH problems and can't be relied upon. Therefore if anything happens to PIL or MIL I'm worried it would fall to us to step in, which I do NOT want to do!