She thinks she “helps a lot”

[LilaLollyLou]

We were at a family party last night (DH’s aunt/uncle’s wedding anniversary). I was sat chatting to DH’s cousin and we got talking about childcare and I was talking about different options for my 2 DC. I mentioned to cousin that she’s really lucky that her mum (DH’s aunty) looks after her DGC full time. Aunts retired to do childcare and everyone seems happy with the arrangement.

MIL overhead and then said to me (really announcing to everyone at the table) that I’m really lucky too, as I get a lot of help from her, too. I nodded and said “yup, I’m definitely lucky too”.

So my query is that she looks after 1 of our DC for maybe 2-3 hours ONCE a month. It’s nice that they go out on a trip somewhere during that time, but it’s really more about them having fun, rather than helping me. DC1 is fun, sweet and self-sufficient and easy to spend time with. If she really wanted to help, she could take DC2 too/instead lol. If she comes over for dinner (every few weeks), she will bath 1 of the DC and read a story, but not 2 of them together. Again, it isn’t particularly helpful, as I still have to be upstairs and involved in the whole process. I’ve got our bedtime routine very smooth now, so it’s actually easier and quicker for me to do it alone. And if she cooks (I try to discourage this here), the food is nice, but she uses every single pot and pan in my kitchen and creates an absolute bomb site that I’m left cleaning up.

I don’t expect her help, but I’m puzzled that she thinks she “helps a lot”. Perhaps it was just about her saying it to save face in front of family/aunty?

PIL are busy and have lots of friends, take lovely holidays etc. She retired very early because she wanted to.

AIBU to tell her to relax and enjoy a glass of wine whilst I cook and do kids’ bath/bed routine? It would be far easier for me and then she wouldn’t be “helping”.

DH is an only child. I’m starting to wonder if “all of this help” is about them being looked after in old age??! She mentioned last week about her friend’s daughter making an annexe for her parents to live in and how perfect that arrangement looks. I have no intention of providing any elder care for them! DH travels a lot for work, so he would have very little time for this, either. And the be honest, he’s been very self-sufficient since age 16 (paying his own uni fees and having to pay rent if he lived at home during the uni holidays).

I think you probably did sound like you were having a bit of a dig. You certainly sound moany on here. Pay for a babysitter if you need to. Be grateful for anything that's free on someone else's terms.

I agree with you OP that it doesn't sound like your mil is doing much at all. She sounds involved and spends time with her grandkids but she's not really helping you out. All of which is absolutely fine but she can't claim that she does lots. Does sound like a bit of competitive grandparenting.

Everyone's idea of help is different. Your MIL tries to help in her way, and probably spoke defensively re the comment with the aunt.

Help can come in lots of ways. My mum doesn't provide childcare at all in the way other mums do, but when she visits will produce lovely hand knitted cardigans etc, provides a lot of emotional & financial support. I value this as much & more as v hands on childcare as I've seen that backfire as parents and grandparents ideas conflict or parents are left with no childcare due to sudden illnesses etc.

My mother does this she loves to tell everyone she brought mine up-she rarely bothered!she never had 3 of em and didn’t see them for 2 years

She is spending some time with her GC but not helping you.

I would just let it go.

She probably just felt threatened and wanted everyone to be sure she does her bit for you too. I wouldn’t overthink it but YANBU, she doesn’t do a lot.

I think it's laziness / lack of childcare fitness.

My parents "help" once a week. That means they visit us when I'm home with DS. They come over arriving at 11.30, drink tea, then have lunch, then want to walk their dog at their set time. They often want to leave DS home with me during the walk, as he walks slowly and they have no patience for looking at snails or stones. They then have another cup of tea and then go off home before the traffic. I am there the whole time and I'm lucky if I can force them to play with DS once each. They are fit and well, but newly retired. They do have a long drive to us about 1 hour 20 mins each way, so they are "amazing" for helping me so much. They clearly love DS, but aren't hands on.

The other day I suggested my mum take DS into the shop whilst I stood outside with her dog and she wouldn't do it. Something about him preferring me. If we go to something family, then they never help entertain DS, like the other GPs and family children. I have a brother so it's not them not having boy experience.

Meh I agree they help as in buying certain things for him, but only if they want to. They won't buy something I ask for. They will buy one expensive top, but if I suggested for a pack of cheap T-shirt's for less instead, they wouldn't get them.

My MIL is much the same, but rarely visits, although she has babysat twice now when I've been desperate, DS is 3, but her other grandchildren are teenagers so I think she is over this young phase. And she is older than my parents, so I let her off a bit.

Lol my MIL has taken it further than this - I had a high risk pregnancy with DS2 and was in hospital every week for monitoring from 31 weeks onwards. I always arranged the appointments when DS1 was in childcare, we never once asked her to help. But a couple of times she told her bosses she’s couldn’t be in on x day because she had to look after him as I had appointments!!

I was actually pretty annoyed because less than a year before that, she refused to babysit DS1 for a couple of hours (in the evening, so he was asleep). This was when DH had to take me to hospital as I had complications following a miscarriage the week before.

But apparently “she does a lot for us”.

I think it might be partly that they see themselves as too youthful to be doing grandparent type things?

This is very common. I have noticed that most GPs who provide real help and support downplay it, while those who do bugger all really talk it up. It does seem to be a competitive sport amongst grandparents too.
My advice is to let it wash over you OP like water off a duck’s back. MIL is mod helpful, but wants to be seen to be.

• not helpful

I’m always surprised at the attitudes on MN towards grandparents looking after their GC. It seems to be really frowned upon and if people ask their parents to help out its often viewed as being ‘entitled’. Bizarre in my books. Isn’t that what families do?! Help each other out if they can?

And the be honest, he’s been very self-sufficient since age 16 (paying his own uni fees and having to pay rent if he lived at home during the uni holidays).

Wowsers, unless they desperately needed the money, they sound like incredibly tight bastards.

Not sure I’d have been able to hold back a loud snort, OP, iF it had been me responding to her.

My own mother managed a total of 13 minutes alone with dd (her only grandchild) in her first 3 months of life. I reckon dd was 6 before her childcare totaled a full day. You wouldn’t know it, from Facebook. Nicked pics from everyone in the family to post, daily memes of how important grandkids are, etc.

As my therapist put it, she was far more interested in the ‘Grand’ part than the ‘parent’ part.

If you think she is doing this sporadic care because she actually is angling for an annexe arrangement then I would definitely start phasing out any help she does give especially as it isn't helping.

I wouldn't stop stuff that means she loses quality time with gc like taking them out but the dinners and bedtime sounds like more hassle than it's worth. I always think that if someone comes over to help with something like cooking but don't do the end to end job (ie also helping with the clearing up bit as well) then it's not really helpful.

My mother is similar. Except she does even less. When our 3 DC were younger the in-laws or my mum would take one or two of the kids for a sleepover at a time of their choosing, not when we actually needed it so the help wasn't actually any help at all. We still had one or two DC at home with us and we couldn't do what we needed as it was a wrong day anyway.
It's not easier or less work with one kids gone, I still have to do the parenting work to do (which I love anyway).

OP, in your position I would start politely refusing the "help". You ask for GM to take DC on Saturday as you've got a wedding etc and she says "No but I can have them Sunday instead" then just tell her no thanks, you're booked out on Saturday so you'll just get a sitter.

These days my DC are pretty self sufficient so my eldest is happy to babysit (for cash, the "enterprising" wee git!) while we go get quick jobs done and we decline any overnight wedding invites or late night meals out etc. (Eldest is old enough for a half hour here and there but too young for extended babysitting.)

How much help did she get from her parents when your DH was younger? If she got none then what she does would seem like a lot to her I guess.
I wouldn’t describe it as “a lot” though

For all those with similar stories, do your DM's and MIL's also post and share every Grandparenty Facebook meme they come across? I've snorted a few times when my mum has posted a "My grandchildren are my whole world" type shite when in reality they've slept over maybe 6 times in their lives (eldest is a teenager now). And rarely on the dates that I've actually needed it.

My DSis and I have had to hold back from liking that crap with the laughing emoji too many times.
Sadly DSis only ever gets a visit when DM is travelling to my sister's town for another event. In the 9 years my DN's have been alive, DM has only ever once made the trip in order just to see her grandkids (after each of their births). The other visits are only as a side mission when she is heading that way for something else like a friend's wedding or funeral. She pop in, have a cup of tea, pretend she's the doting granny and get back to the real reason she was in the town. Guaranteed it'll be a hugely different story on FB for the world to see once she leaves.

I'd just let it go. She was at a part, and probably heard your comment about how lucky cousin was to get so much help from parents, as a dig about the fact you don't get the same - whether it was intended like that or not, and she instinctively defended herself.
Just come out with bland comments about how 'everyone's circumstances are different' or something another time.
I agree with user though that it is all relative - what she does is a lot more than some people are involved, so it might seem to her that she is very involved.

I wouldn’t call that help either. A grandparent that only helps once a month and leaves more work than there was to begin with isn’t really helping. You’re better than me. If my MIL said something along those lines I couldn’t help but respond, “yes we do appreciate your 2-3x a year help, we’ll make sure to give you a medal next time so its acknowledged. “

Your mil is probably embarrassed by how much her sister does, hence that stupid comment. I could ignore it and just see your MiL for the useless person she is .

YANBU. She is not helping a lot. Seems as though she has quite a good relationship with her DGC. Which is nice. But she is just being a grandmother. Nothing more than that. But it doesn’t really matter what she thinks. You know the truth. And you know the limits of your future support. It would be good for you and your DH to be on the same page re this.