Wedding dilemma

[SheeshKebab]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic 😉

So we're planning our wedding. I have a relative who can't fly due to health reasons but our dream is to get married in Italy. She is also technically my bridesmaid, I asked her 2 years ago when we got engaged but since then, there's been family arguments and I don't think she really likes me🤨so maybe she won't even want to be a bridesmaid anymore, I haven't asked her cause she's very difficult to talk to.

I said to my fiance that we can only get married in Italy if it was just us and our parents. It's really unfair to invite the rest of our families knowing that she can't come. He says it's our day and we should do whatever we want.

What do we do?

It sounds like she is having a bit of a shitty time with health problems, so it's not surprise if she isn't exactly cheery

However I do agree that your wedding day is about you and your DP and you deserve to be happy.

She maybe isn't in the best place right now - It's a difficult one to handle sensitively

I know you're all correct. It's just if we decide to do it, I know she'd never speak to us again. I feel that's completely unreasonable of her but it would change our whole family.

Do what you want to do as you’ll regret it in later life if you panda to this girl who barely tolerates you. Just because you asked her to be bm 2 years ago doesn’t mean she has to be still . Things change. Put yourself and your fiancé first.

And grow a pair of balls!

what relation is she to you ?

@fecketyfeck21

She doesn't have MH issues but she's been through alot when she was poorly. She's okay now though.

We definitely need to talk about it, I just hate confrontation and awkwardness. She's always been very sensitive and it's just gotten worse so we've just avoided these discussions to keep the peace.

alwayscheddar “panda”! 😄

OP, have the wedding you want.

She's my SIL.

Not a lot of sympathy going on for someone who has clearly developed a life altering illness in the last 2 years

Yes, she isn't behaving particularly well and the OP shouldn't arrange her whole wedding around her, but the general consensus of just dump her and move on is pretty nasty

You could arrange your entire wedding to please her, and then she will fall out with you anyway.

You will kick yourself for the rest of your life. You only get one shot at a wedding with this man.

Talk to her. Tell her you are getting married in Italy and you understand if she can't come but you will celebrate together when you get home.

It's your wedding, not your birthday, you are marrying your husband and starting your life together. It's about your relationship, not anybody else.

Great drip feed! If she's your sil, it's for your dh to worry about, not you.
Unless u mean a Sil on different side of your family.

sorry but why are you plannig your wedding for her?
there are many reasons some people wont be able to come to wedding abraod.but this is your day.
could you not do it your way like fiance says and then when you get back you could have a wider party for all who didnt come and a few more friends and family.

I don’t think she is “sensitive”. Maybe overly sensitive to herself but not to other people and how they feel. It isn’t her wedding after all

No one is ever 100% happy about how other people chose to get married. You can tell that from all the threads on here. My questions are: who is getting married, who is paying for it and organising it. If it’s you and your partner then it’s your choice.

YABU and unfair to your fiance.

She's my SIL as in your Fiance's sister? Or one of your sibling's spouse? I guess it depends on how important it is to you that she's there. It can't be nice for her that she won't be able to go but if it's handled well I'm sure she'll understand. You/your fiance could even ask her if you want to. Say how you've always wanted to get married in Italy but worry she won't be able to come. And then you'll know how she feels. It does mean if she says she'd be devastated you'd probably have to have a rethink.

I think you should just do the wedding with your parents. You say to everyone in your family that you've decided to elope and have a small wedding, no bridesmaids, no groomsmen.

Nobody wants to spend tons of money and their annual leave going to someone else's idea of destination wedding anyway.

There's no way you can please this woman if she'd still kick off at the idea of a wedding 2 hrs away from her, so as long as you handle it openly and as kindly as you can, you should do what you want.

My fiance can't stand her. He's very black and white about it all and thinks that the way she has behaved is awful. I have abit more sympathy.

Just read the update it’s your SIL. I had assumed it was a member of your family. You need to set your stall out from here on here, otherwise lm sure she will cause further issues

@banhaha

My siblings spouse.

Yeah that's a good idea. I do want her there in a way, it's just difficult to decide what I want more - her attendance or wedding in Italy.

mine had her wedding in norway.everyone was going.my mum and other wanted to stay.didnt feel right leaving me.
i was really poorly and just colid go.but i absolutely insisted they musst go and have the bst day ever.it was really tough and i was really upset by it.but i wouldnt have done it any differently and was ready to be bloody angry if they tried to do it any other way.it was their day and i wanted them to have the best time ever.
i new they loved me and wished me there and i loved them too so its something i was happy/sad to do for them.
why isnt she doing this.
your lovely to be thinking of her but why isnt she thinking of you.
i would have died of guilt if my family had changed for me.

Please don’t prioritise this woman’s feeling over your fiancé’s hope and wishes for his wedding.

@kateandme

That's so lovely of you. And of course how I know it should be.