Single parents - dream job with long hours or meh job short hours?

[anotherconundrum]

I'm a single parent. One child aged 11.

Job A = not a job I would have chosen. Company struggling, would have to limit my time there to 2-3 years to avoid impacting my career long term (unless there's a big turnaround in the company's fortunes). BUT they are openly very flexible with home working and I would only be out of the house for 9.5 hours a day, home by 5pm. Easier commute. No childcare needed. Take home pay would be circa £2.4k after travel.

Job B = dream job at dream company. Big promotion, great for my CV. But I will be out of the house 12 hours a day, not back til 7pm-ish (will need to get au pair/housekeeper). Suspect there is a culture of long hours. Travel there and back would be hard-going. Take home pay would be around £3.5k after paying for travel and childcare.

AIBU to ask which job would you choose?! I'm so conflicted.

Does your son see his dad at weekends? I don’t think you mentioned that, sorry if you have.

I’m a single parent and had this same dilemma. I took job B and it nearly finished me off - I had an eye twitch, Ds would cry / become huffy when my phone pinged with work, I was distracted and knackered. I felt like I was fucking up at home, and resentful of being at work.

I made the decision that I just couldn’t do it all, and I left that job to temp. I’m now back in same field as before but I’m very aware that whole my son is little, I can’t do it all, and so I went into a less demanding role.

What does your son say about au pair option? What do you want your family life to look like? I may go back into a hardcore role when Ds is older, but for now, my time is needed more at home

I would say b
But discuss with child and get their support as will impact them a a lot

If they are Good it’s a far far better option

Job B and the the au pair.

Do it for a couple of years and then look for a similar role in a company that does allow greater flexibility

Job B will mean you can always dial down later if you want to, but by then your dd will be older and you’re less relied upon. job A will mean you’ll be unlikely to be able to progress to a dream job later when your dd is older.

Go for job B. Your DC which be a teenager before you know it and will establish a bigger social life without you. Having a parent go for their dream job could actually be really inspiring for them.

@Loopytiles travel time is about the same but Job A involves a train journey where I'm likely to get a seat, and can sit and work/read/sleep. Job B involves a motorway drive and can take longer if there's an accident.

@twirlypoo sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. That's exactly what I'm worried about. Son says he is excited at the idea of an au pair to have someone else around/"have a big brother" but the reality could be very different to how he imagines. Whilst he's open to it now, we can't really predict how things turn out. He's also quite a rigid thinker so if he and the au pair got off on the wrong foot, I know that the relationship probably wouldn't be salvageable thereafter.

Oh and @NabooThatsWho yes my son does see his dad at weekends, so I only have 50% of weekend time with my son too.

I wouldn't be happy to see so little of my child.

How much of a dream job can it actually be though? It’s still a job. My dream job is a lottery winner...

Honestly, if I hadn’t tried Job B then I would always have been wondering - it was useful in that it cemented for me that the extra money / career ladder wasn’t worth it for me and my son at that time. I can’t say it would be the same for you, especially as your son is older. Your update about 50% weekends with his dad does affect things though, will you feel like you see your son enough? Will your son feel like he sees you enough once the novelty of an au pair wears off?

I felt like when it went well, our routine just worked, but I was stretched so thinly that I was constantly apprehensive of anything rocking the boat. I cried in the loos one time because it had started snowing and I just didn’t have any lee way built in for school being off / extra journey time to collect / being late for meetings.

Sorry, I don’t want to be the voice of doom - like i say, I had to try for me to realise it wouldn’t work for us and that the pay off wasn’t worth it!

I’d go for B but bear in mind I’ve done that since DD was a baby

As you only see your son every other weekend as it is, I would go for job A - you're barely going to see him otherwise.

@Basketofkittens it's two steps up the ladder for me in the industry I've been working in for 10 years for a household name company that's very financially successful. I use the brand and its products myself and have thought in the past how much I'd love to work for them. Its scope contains all the parts of my job that I love and doesn't contain some parts I don't enjoy - if I could build a role that would make me happy at work, Job B would be it. Except for the culture of long hours and inflexibility! I'd love a lottery win, but as far as dream jobs go, this is pretty much it for me.

@bengalcat have you been a single parent the whole time? How did you make it work?

At 11 they will be going to bed later so you would see them in the evenings

What is the hourly rate if you include the travel? Plus the cost of the travel.

Sorry didn't RTFT

I would honestly not even consider a job where I'm not around just as a child is approaching adolescence. By 13 they won't want an au pair around. But they could get into so much trouble if you are absent and preoccupied. Teens need you so much - puberty, social and romantic issues, parties, drinks and drugs on offer, GCSEs. They need a very present person with lots of spare emotional energy and attention in their corner, supporting them.

Job B sounds stressful. Really your dream job? With that bums-on-seats culture? It's so petty. I worked freelance for a company like that. They all stood around yacking and drinking coffee all day but for hours on end. I got in at 9, left at 5 and did three times as much work as any of them, apart from the other freelancers who did the same.

Take job A and look for a better job which is a good balance between A & B. Make sure your contract and payment plan with A is really solid though, if you think they might be vulnerable.

I'd go with Job A - it's not just about the extra time with your DC but the overall quality of life that you are likely to have with a better work-life balance.
I've had a couple of Job Bs where presenteeism was rife - not worth it IMO.
Good luck with your decision.

another conundrum made it work because as it’s always been me there was no real choice in the matter - you just need to work out what would work for you . Mine was able to take herself to school and back on her own although we would sometimes go part of the way there together - I would normally be home by 6/7 and would have food precooked that she could microwave . School holidays I would get a temporary nanny . From babyhood to end of school just waved goodbye to a significant chunk of my salary to a live out nanny . Offers to continue to keep an after school nanny at senior school but kid said no so we agreed to trial without - she’d normally be home between 5 and 6 so not long until I was back , animals to keep her company , sensible kid . It’s about what works for you as a family good luck .

I was in this position but DD was 13 and that two years makes a difference. I went for job B but didn't need an au pair - DD was already used to me working long hours when I needed to (month ends, mainly). My ex has no contact at all with DD so weekends were ours.

I'd be inclined to go for B on the basis that you can most likely find another A after a year or two.

Take job B - work well during the day, leave on time. If you're getting tasks completed people will notice and prob prefer it to those who work at half pace but for longer hours.
You can make it work

I feel your pain. Not lucky enough to have offers to choose from but I've put off going for similar and stayed in 'A' for many years simply to keep a happy household. I realise I'm growing increasingly resentful by the year and an earlier poster's point about employers becoming more discriminatory over mid 40s terrifies me. But no matter how much i want the Job B dream, and know I'm capable of it....I just can't justify the sacrifice to my family. I don't believe humans exist to work, not even great work. It doesn't make sense to live like that.

11 is an age when the need for you ups and the desire to be babysat is a big fat zero. You wouldn't ever regret time spent at home so I would go B with a plan when DD is 16 to maybe up the anti and reapply for more up jobs. There is also room for an interim then as well

It is true they need you more in the teens even if it feels more like WIfi is loved more than you sometimes

I did job B when DS was 1-6; now I do job A and looking for something even more DS-friendly as he starts secondary in a year.