Single parents - dream job with long hours or meh job short hours?

[anotherconundrum]

I'm a single parent. One child aged 11.

Job A = not a job I would have chosen. Company struggling, would have to limit my time there to 2-3 years to avoid impacting my career long term (unless there's a big turnaround in the company's fortunes). BUT they are openly very flexible with home working and I would only be out of the house for 9.5 hours a day, home by 5pm. Easier commute. No childcare needed. Take home pay would be circa £2.4k after travel.

Job B = dream job at dream company. Big promotion, great for my CV. But I will be out of the house 12 hours a day, not back til 7pm-ish (will need to get au pair/housekeeper). Suspect there is a culture of long hours. Travel there and back would be hard-going. Take home pay would be around £3.5k after paying for travel and childcare.

AIBU to ask which job would you choose?! I'm so conflicted.

Dream Job B is worth a shot.

Job A. I want a life outside work

I was given the chance to job B equivalent and took it with eagerness. 2 years later, ended up totally burned out in a very bad place. Its taken 18 months to recover. Still not there but been given the chance to go back to job À and am so massively grateful.

It's a tough decision but in the end, the right one is the one that is calling you.

Job A purely because the culture at job B sounds awful. Anywhere that's so old fashioned in its approach to flexible working is not going to value its employees. There'll be no sympathy when your child is ill and you need to take a day off, or you want to leave early for their Christmas play. You can't put a price on how much that kind of flexibility matters. I would go with job A and keep your eyes out for better opportunities to come up.

B
No question. Dream job. A could go bust.
You will have to be strong though, right from the off, and try not to let the 'extra hours expected' start. Too much.

Depends on what personality your'll 11 year old ds has.

Job A. As I have got older time and work life balance has become far more important and it sounds as though the hours in job B could be even longer than you think given the culture there. It isn't a job a or b or nothing, you could take a and keep an eye out for another job b which would be more flexible

How does the pay in job A compare to your outgoings and lifestyle? Would you be comfortable or just getting by?
Would a short stint in job b help you get a more flexible job that pays more than job a?

Job B. If Company A goes bust you could be in a world of trouble with no job, limited redundancy pay, chasing a new job in a difficult market, etc.

Re Bums in seats in Job B. I have worked in a couple of environments like this. You have to hit the hours while you establish yourself and demonstrate your value but once you are established it is easier to quietly flex your own situation. At my last couple of jobs, I used to make a point of leaving bang on time at least twice a week, citing a vague commitment but was seen to respond to email on the train, etc.

Re au pairs, it’s not as easy as it used to be so I would get onto the agencies sooner rather than later. I have had au pairs since DS was little and have generally had no problems (I had one slightly disorganised one but otherwise OK). I’ve had boys and girls over the years. Some have just worked for us for a bit, 2 became like family members and DS and I are off to her wedding in August.

Job A, especially given your second post. 11 is still young and flexibility means so much. In a couple of years you'll be in a better position to work longer hours

I have job B and it works. But I am organised. If you’re not you need to think about this carefully.

I wouldn’t take either.

A struggling company is a bad idea - there’s just zero certainty and in my experience there’s lots that can just change in the blink of an eye.

The ‘dream’ job isn’t really, is it? The dream is that type of role with flexibility. That’s what I’d be looking for.

12 hours out of the home when you have an 11 yo is madness.

There just doesn’t seem to be a single area of give there - hard commute, long hours, no flexibility.

You’ll burn out and be miserable.

What do you do now and what’s your take home?

Plus, and I don’t want to be douchey, but you have to sacrifice dream jobs sometimes with children.

My dream promotion at work came up about 3 months ago. My youngest was just 1 year old, my 6yo has ASD and whilst my take home would’ve more than doubled, it was the wrong time so I’m carrying on in my current, albeit very nice, role.

Out of the two I'd take job a. Children before jobs IMO. And I don't think you'd have much of a with life balance even if you didn't have a kid to consider with Job b. But I wonder if you're better off to keep looking? Insecurity of job a is a worry

I was in the same position a few years ago. I lasted 9 months until I was completely burnt out on on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I left and took a huge step back in my career for a couple of years to rebuild my mental health.
I was then able to find a family friendly job that means I have an amazing work life balance but also helps me to rebuild my career, although in a different and unexpected direction.
I think I would take job A for now as flexibility is like gold dust.

With one child at senior school, and assuming no SEND, it would be job B every time for me. The job you prefer + substantially higher pay. It looks like you’ll earn 15k more PA? That’s a lot of extra money to play with. You should look into the options for wraparound care with a really open mind - everything from private school with longer hours and clubs on site, through to au pair and fun holidays camps is potentially an option. And you won’t even need wraparound care.

As a lone parent with one child all your time off involves the two of you being together. You don’t have to split your attention between multiple kids. And your child will be increasingly busy with other things and looking head to their future

But with job B you will hardly see your child in the week and have the expense of an aupair and or housekeeper, higher tax bracket etc, will will actually be that much better off?

How does your child feel about it? I would have hated that at 11, what if they are upset in the week or need help with homework? Bearing in mind walking through the door at 7 you still need to take your coat off flick the kettle on maybe start dinner, you wouldn't even be able to start helping your child with anything till 7.30pm. I would take job A I think your child's needs trump your wants for job progression imo.

Job B as it’s high stress will probably have more in-built flexibility. For example Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan employees often work 12-20 hours per day Mon-Weds but then wfh Thurs and work from their phones on Friday. HSBC encourages staff in their head offices (London, Birmingham, and Edinburgh) to wfh at least 2 days a week. All of the Big 4 consultancies offer a variety of in built flexibility for all roles (including consultancy).

Could you move closer to job b? has your dc started senior school yest or not...
whilst not looking at particularly great job I am not considering firms that have crap working culture like job B... have senior aged DC the flexibility of wfh etc makes life so much better for all of us... and DH has even managed to convice his dinosaur boss what a good thing it is and generally wfh 1 day a week...
the teen years are tough for kids so have needed to be around to support and just catch teh moments when teen boys decide to talk!

if no sign of change or not negotiable i would go for A

A.
Young secondary kids need you at home more than primary imo.

Plus, and I don’t want to be douchey, but you have to sacrifice dream jobs sometimes with children

As a single parent, there is no one to pick up any financial slack. Being financially secure,,particularly long term, is a major consideration. There is a fine line between financial sacrifice and sacrifice of time with children’s and what their needs may be. Not easy to walk that line as two people, let alone as one person.

OP - have you sat down and costed the difference? Once you have an au pair and extra travel will you actually be any better off? Will,Jon B offer scope for promotion when you’re ready? Are there other perks like a car, gym membership, etc that you will use?

As a single parent, I have downgraded my hours by going from full time permanent to supply but I have made up the money with tutoring and exam marking (I am a teacher so that is clearly an option for me). It has worked well for us. Have a think outside the box as it might find some middle ground for you.

@CanILeavenowplease

Of course, and I’m in a fortunate position I know.

But there is middle ground - if it was full time, easy commute, occasional wfh maybe but long hours I’d say go for it but the situation described would be punishing with job B.

@CanILeavenowplease yes I've costed it. I didn't want to confuse the OP too much, but all travel and childcare have already been factored into the figures I stated.

Job A = no childcare but expensive travel, would leave me with £2.4k per month

Job B = factoring in childcare/domestic help but cheaper travel would leave me with £3.5k per month

Could still be ok financially with Job A - my outgoings are circa £1700 a month which includes everything except clothes and gifts. So I'd have about £700 left over for gifts, clothes, savings, holidays. Manageable, but obviously Job B would be well into the comfortable bracket with closer to £1800 left over a month for all those things.

I'm leaning more towards Job A.

What is the travel time to each job?

Job A.
Job B sounds awful. £700 is plenty spare cash and the time with your dc is worth much more than the extra cash.

Job A. Work life balance is so important. Plus you don't get these years back with your kids.