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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed, please read

36 replies

Stephhall · 07/06/2019 23:49

Hi Girls & Guys
New to the forum, big hello to you all.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma... well its giant actually.

8 years ago the man of my dreams walked into my life ( not just looks, we clicked instantly ) at the time I was married in a miserable relationship.

It all started when my ( then ) husband and I bought our first home and we needed some renovation work doing.
The new guy was the Electrician, it was a sole mate / had to be together encounter, over the coming weeks we grew close as friends as I was overseeing the renovation work. Nothing happened between us, but once he had finished the job and traveled back home to his area ( 200 miles away ) I knew I couldn't continue in my marriage. I knew it was a mistake at the time and after falling so hard for a stranger, I knew my marriage would never work... I was never in love tbh, it was a marriage of convenience for both of us at the time, for my Husband, he got to be different with the American wife, me - no family, friends or anything when I arrived in the UK for work... so I just sort of fell into a marriage and we had a child.

Me and my Husband split in the coming year, and after a bit of time I bought my own place, and yes the Electrician walks back into my life.... it was hard for us to be together as he had a GF, but that "something" was still there as strong as ever.

Things got messy with my ex as he took to me court over our daughter as he wanted her to live with him ( 3 year old )

The new guy was there every step of the way with me through this the court procedure, his support was amazing.

We fell for each other big time, I got pregnant but he still had a GF back home ( 200mile ) so things where still complicated, and tbh I was never sure he would of left his old life and GF if I wasn't pregnant.
But he did leave her, it was messy, he had a life, houses, friends ( they where teen sweethearts) 16 years together, the breakup destroyed him, he was guilt ridden for some time and a shell of the man I fell so deeply in love with.

Fast forward 7 years and 2 beautiful daughters later.

I'm so so happy with him, I love him with all my heart and he loves me, we moved into an amazing house together in the north where he's from, we have friends, fam, a great life... I couldn't ask for more.

Onto the problem.

The house

At the time of relocating I had a very large house deposit, he was still selling his and dealing with his ex, he was depressed, he seemed to be drowning in guilt over what he'd done to her.

Our relationship looked like it was on thin ice and when push come to shove regarding the new house purchase, only my name went on the Mortgage eventhough we moved in together in what was our forever home.

After 7 years in the new house I've made big inroads into getting it paid down, my partner does his bit with the bills, but I earn considerably more and pay a lot more.
It's a 100 year old wreck of a house that needs everything. Slowly but surely my partner is renovating it between working, the build part of the project has been mainly on him, he also organizes and pays ( when ) he can, the other trades as needed, he pays as much as he can with what he's got.
I have to travel with work on occasions, and sometimes work is full on, so he juggles his work so he can also help with the kids as much as he can.

He now wants his name on the Mortgage, and he'd like to be married.
He says the situation all feels false, like he's a lodger or the boyfriend who can be kicked out at anytime, he feels very insecure with the current arrangement, he says we have kids together, bought the house together ( my money ) and are renovating it together so why shouldn't he have the financial security of the house also in his name.

He has money from when he eventually managed to sell his property, I tell him to buy an investment property so he has his own security, I dont want his money.
His money would only add to a quarter of what's in the house if I where to take it, and as I earn well. I'll have the house paid in 5 / 10 years, but he's insisting that the money go into our / my house.

He says he cant go on like it is, he's got not security, it doesn't feel like his home, he cant enjoy seeing it transform.
He also thinks this is the reason why I wont marry him as what mine becomes his.He says it plays on his mine 24/7 & if it doesn't change he cant stay, he says he is so unhappy with the setup, it eats away at him on a daily basis although he loves me, the life and kids very much.

He's a great guy, he took on my 1st daughter like his own and our 2 girls love their dad more than the world.

Life is great but the threat that if he doesn't get his way, he will have to leave just feels like a gun to my head...

Hit me with some hard truth as I only have my mom's opinion, and my current partners, and as to be expected, they are oopposite ends of the spectrum, my mom is very black and white, my money, my house... dont be stupid.

Just too add, my ex Husband took me for far more money than he ever put in, and I accepted that as I was the one who wanted out of the marriage... but I'm now afraid that I'll lose so much again if me and my current partner split up.

Am I punishing him for my past mistakes, if he doesn't love me enough to stay as we are, should I let him leave as much as it would kill me.

Thanks for reading, sorry for any typos.

Steph

OP posts:

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/06/2019 00:00

He's modifying his career to raise the children, allowing you to progress in yours, he's willing to put a large chunk of equity into the house and had spent goodness knows how many hours renovating it himself for what, your financial benefit? YABU

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/06/2019 00:00

I also think this is likely a reverse

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/06/2019 00:01

See if you were a woman I'd be telling you if he says no ta to getting married then either accept the insecurity of your living arrangements or split up, and to be prepared to split as living feeling unmarriable can't be pleasant.

I would say the same to him.

What to say to you? I don't know.

Beldon · 08/06/2019 00:01

I’m sorry but you sound very selfish, if it’s a massive difference in what you both put into house (his labour counts as investment too!), then ask for financial share. He does sound like lodger and unpaid handyman and I’d imagine he is feeling pretty shitty. If this story was coming from a man everyone would be up in arms. You are either in partnership or not. My partner earns more that me but we have joint names on mortgage and money goes into a pot for bills and we both get equal spending money out.

crazypuglady · 08/06/2019 00:02

Well, don’t you see his point?
You’ve been together 7 years and have 2 kids but you don’t trust him enough to get married or have him on the mortgage.

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/06/2019 00:02

God that was a jumble. I meant if you were a woman in his position etc.

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/06/2019 00:03

Oh. Reversey Percy?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/06/2019 00:15

YABU - I agree with your partner.

Also, your Mum is always going to be biased. I think you're both wrong with this. I feel sorry for your DP

Treaclesweet · 08/06/2019 00:43

Well if he's your "sole mate" what's the worry? I think you're treating him pretty badly tbh.

IsabellaLinton · 08/06/2019 00:50

But you don’t want to marry him?

The poor sod. You sound incredibly childish, money-oriented and selfish.

AriaFitz · 08/06/2019 00:54

@Treaclesweet - he might be her sole mate but they’re not in a good plaice.

BummyKnocker · 08/06/2019 01:15

I would definitely leave her. Yes, OP, you are her.

tolerable · 08/06/2019 01:16

sole mates=money not an issue.

OldAndWornOut · 08/06/2019 01:22

I think you're being unfair on your partner.
He has and is putting in as much as you, in terms of his labour, so..

BrendasUmbrella · 08/06/2019 01:24

If the money is literally the only issue between the two of you, and everything else is as perfect as you say, I don't see the problem?

It's not like he's wanting everything and offering nothing. Let him keep renovating and let him put his lump sum into the house. And you could save thousands by getting a basic registry office wedding with two witnesses.

Cruelstepmother · 08/06/2019 01:24

I felt the same way as him, living with my DP for over 18 years before we married. I paid in all my money from previous house, decorated the house top to bottom and earned and paid all my income into the home. Somehow the time was never right for us to marry, not just him but sometimes I felt unready. I worried myself sick about my future if he were to die as his sons would have inherited our home and I would have been out on my ear without a penny. I often felt it would be better to leave and start again. In the end he signed a document giving me a share of the house as he knew I needed security. (We are now married and it is a big relief).

You love him, you've been together a long time, you have a happy family. What he's asking is equitable and just. Don't let this spoil things. Marry him, put half his cash in your name and add him to the mortgage, and live happily ever after.

RubberTreePlant · 08/06/2019 01:25

Creative writing?

7salmonswimming · 08/06/2019 01:30

YABU.

He’s taken your first daughter in as his own, and you value that one thing alone at less than half the value of a building you bought?

glitterfarts · 08/06/2019 01:36

Dont marry him. Don't put him on the deeds. Use a bit of your capital (to whatever value he has provided in work on your house) to go into a 2nd property together, jointly.

tbh it sounds like he's ready to leave. He's threatening it. He wants everything legally tied up....
with 2 DD, I'd not get married again if I was you, especially as you are asset rich.

Original poster

Stephhall · 08/06/2019 01:57

Hi Ppl

I need to confess, as I'm not deceitful person.
My name is Steven- I'm the boyfriend in the rather crappy situation, I'm so lost in life, I dont know what to do, all I've wrote is true. My other half is an American accountant named Jenn, she works from home and Sometimes has to travel, she is amazing in many ways, shes a mum and career woman all in one.. me - just an Electrician
We have three kids 4,5 and my stepdaughter 10.
She isn't money oriented, but on this she has her views ( as in my 1st jumbled post ) that she wont change.

Sorry to pour my heart out to you all without being totally honest, I just feel rather pathetic, it's not something I can talk to my mates about... I just feel like my heart has been ripped out and I dont know what to do.

Sorry again

Ste

OP posts:

HappenedForAReisling · 08/06/2019 02:28

Ermm.... if those are your real names get MNHQ to remove them.

YANBU

he might be her sole mate but they’re not in a good plaice.

AmeriAnn · 08/06/2019 02:34

Are you feeling worried because Jenn left her first husband, fought for the child and won and then had no remorse? Do you worry she'll do the same to you?

BetsyBigNose · 08/06/2019 04:19

I agree with everything @FlibbertyGiblets wrote - right down to the "Reversey Percy" comment!

Steven - your girlfriend absolutely should accept your financial and physical labour contributions to the property, marry you and give you the opportunity to be on a level playing field. The advice we always give women here on MN who have a partner who won't marry them and a house they won't add their name to when they have children - particularly when the couple have children together and the woman's career often has to take a backseat to deal with childcare for a period applies to men in the same situation too. The fact that you're a man doesn't alter that that would be the right thing for her to do.

I think threatening her with leaving is a bad idea (unless you seriously are considering leaving), as it will make her even more paranoid that you only want to marry her to 'get your hands on half the house'.

I think you need to go back to basics. Money and house aside, think about why you want to marry her, then book a night away, just the two of you, make it romantic and talk to her about this great love that you share. Explain to her (without mentioning money or the house) what it would mean to you to all have the same surname, to feel secure in your family after a shaky, difficult start, all of the difficulties you have overcome as a team and the exciting things you have to look forward to in the future! Then, whenever the mood is right (it doesn't have to be there and then!), ask her!

You can discuss the financials later, but most women want to get married because they're in love, not because they're excited about the possible financial implications (in my experience, at least!)

Good luck @Stephhall a.k.a. Steven

user1474894224 · 08/06/2019 07:24

I think you should get married, put your name on the mortgage and then both of you buy an investment rental with the other not of money - if it's enough for a deposit on a buy to let.

I understand how you feel. And I would be feeling the same.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 08/06/2019 07:37

I think he's right. It sounds like he's putting a lot of work into the house and home life in general. He wants some security in return for that investment. It sounds like he modifies his work life in order to support your career and you have two children together so presumably you're in it for the long term so why would you not marry him?

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