Madonna/whore complex

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Is this a thing???
Can you give me examples if you know what it means? I struggle to understand it . Thanks

What do you mean exactly?

“If she’ll do it with me, she’ll do it with anyone.”

I mean what is it?? How does it manifest in a relationship?

For context. I met a man. A friend told me that she thinks he suffers from Madonna/ whore complex??

It's when a man can't see a woman as anything but either a Madonna (mother) or a Whore ( lover)
So a man would have issues acting out his deepest fantasies with his wife and only be able to do so with a lover or prostitute.

I think.

Ok thanks. I don't really understand but I know it wasnt meant as a complement . She had to dash so we never discussed it further

It's usually to describe a state of mind where a man can only see women as either a mothering/nurturing/kind/good type figure OR a sexual object, and that they struggle to cope with the fact that women are multi-faceted - that someone who is a mother could also have sexual desires, or that a girl they sleep with could also be a good partner in a relationship.

Do you honestly think that men that think Like this are actually a thing ??!

Men like this often put the "Madonna" on a pedestal and have little respect for the "whore". In my experience they are usually mysoginists and not good men to be in a relationship with.

I think some men do. I think we see it a lot as a trope in culture. Take the horror genre. If a woman is shagging in a horror movie she it caste as a whore and punished with death, if she is chaste then she is cast as pure and tends is rewarded by surviving the movie. That's the most blatant example I can think of but most of our narratives about womanhood in culture are preoccupied with a one dimensional view of women, sexuality and morality.

...Cast as the whore...

Thanks. Reading your replies have made me think back on some comments he has made about women. We were watching tv and one of the characters was sleeping with a number of men . He said that she was a common slut. He has called a number of high profile , seemingly scantily dressed and promiscuous women , sluts, too. The way he said it surprised me as he is very stable, gentlemanly sort in general.i really despise that word so wondered if I am being too sensitive about throw away remarks .

My understanding of it, is that it's used to describe women in a very basic and binary way.

Madonna - innocent, virginal.
Whore - the opposite.

And that any shades of grey between, are not understood and not accounted for.

I believe that most of us are shades of grey most of the time.

The Madonna Whore Complex is a Freudian thing (not a big fan of Freud, personally). Which basically says that if you find someone sexually attractive (a Whore), then you can not love them purely (the Madonna), so that love and sex are mutually exclusive.

I don't think you are reading too much into it. He sounds like a common garden misogynist.

This ^

Woman are either all good and pure (ie nonsexual = Madonna) and are to be treated like ladies on a very high pedestal, or all bad and whore-like and should be treated badly as they are dirty and beneath him.

If they find a Madonna (in their mind) she can suddenly become a whore by: liking sex; having had sex with previous partners; getting drunk; not being subservient or feminine enough etc etc.

So a woman can herself suddenly switched from pedestal pure wife material to slag over night. And it's a very long drop from which there is no return. A wrong word or smile at the wrong person and the virgin is suddenly a whore who is obviously shagging any man she meets because that's what whores do.

If also means that the man cannot equate sexual enjoyment and sexuality with a Madonna. They will marry the pure 'virgin', but not be able to enjoy sex with her - as that would change her to whore. So instead they get their sexual needs meet by having sex with the whores, sometimes actual prostitutes but usually not as any other woman is a whore.

See?

I wouldn't be too keen on a man who uses the word slut

I personally think this is incredibly common in men and pervasive in our culture. It's how men reconcile watching questionable porn or treating women badly and their desire to not have their mother/partner/daughter treated like that by other men. I think at some level they recognise that all women are someone's mother/partners/daughter and this create some cognitive dissonance, so they subconsciously reconcile this by categorising "those" kinds of women differently i.e. "whores". It also gives them a sense of security that the important women in their lives wouldn't behave in this way as they are "Madonnas" and by definition wouldn't do this.

It's all rubbish of course, because women are complex beings that can be lots of different things.

I wouldn't be too keen on a man who uses the word slut Oh God, me neither, that's horrible.

I'd be bailing at this point.

I’ve definitely met guys like this. My ex (vicar’s son) saw any example of female sexuality as slutty and would refer to my friends as sluts when he knew they were having sex with someone. If I wore makeup or a dress/skirt he’d ignore me and I wasn’t allowed to show even the slightest hint of sexuality without him becoming emotionally abusive or rejecting of me. He’s marrying a younger devout Christian virgin later this year.

I’ve also had guy friends who’ve put me on a pedestal, constantly saying that I’m “not like other girls/women” and who refuse to acknowledge that I am a sexual being. They use adjectives like “good, pure, angelic” to describe me. One even refers to me as “The Virgin Eleanor” as in “The Virgin Mary” and gets very upset when our mutual female friends try to set me up with guys or if he sees anyone coming on to me. It’s the weirdest bloody thing. He sleeps around a lot and has commitment issues.

I obviously seem to attract this kind of thing from guys. I’m definitely seen as a “good girl” but at the same time I’m absolutely a sexual being and don’t understand why the two can’t co-exist. Drives me mad.

Any man who called a woman a slut would become instantly unappealing to me. I wouldn't touch a man like that with a ten foot barge pole, he sounds really gross.

He sounds like someone to avoid OP!

Beware OP, is he your partner?

He sounds like a misogynist and if he is calling other women sluts you'll be next, when he disapproves of your clothing choices or sees you talking to another man.

Look at certain cultures, honour killings are based on a man thinking the woman was a whore, not pure enough and ruined the family name, it is all about control of women so men can go and do what they like without any responsibility, it’s all the woman’s fault

Use of the word "slut" is a massive red flag for me. Deal-breaker.

It doesn't matter how anyone dresses it up with cod-psychology terms, if a man is calling women sluts for having sex or for dressing in a revealing outfit, he is an out and out misogynist and shouldn't be touched with someone else's bargepole. Avoid, avoid, avoid.