Trying to control partners ridiculous spending

[Ironymaiden]

Asking for a friend.

She is with her partner just over 1 year. She is separated, with 2 little girls. Her marriage was extremely dysfunctional with her leaving because of emotional domestic abuse, her husband would shout at her, demand things to be done, and would be quite tight with money leaving her with pretty much no cash to spend on herself.

She is on benefits at the moment because she is ill, and doesn’t earn her own income and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. She lives with her mum, and space is tight with her and the kids. Her mum is trying to encourage her to find a place to live but she feels she can’t afford to live outside her mums due to £

She is engaged to her new partner, he has never been married before and wants a huge wedding. Although he works full time he has no savings and lives from week to week. He lives with his mum too. She is not allowed stay over in his. He has practically moved in with her and her mum and it’s causing issues. He has taken up more than 1/2 the storage she has in her room which means he has approx 1/2 for him and she has 1/2 for her and the girls. She’s taken the clothes out and left them packed for him to bring home, but he won’t bring them home. He might bring them to the car but he’ll leave them in the car and carry them back in a few days later when he needs space in his car. He expects her to cook his dinner every evening. She’s very annoyed. She’s had chats with him and he hasn’t taken anything on board.

She is now upset because she seems to be shouting and fighting with him and is sad that she’s turning into the man she left.

She has taken his debit card and he is given money by her from his wages to save. Save for himself, the wedding and her and the kids future. She doesn’t see why this could be abusive, she doesn’t see an issue.

He was drunk on sunday afternoon and drunkenly told me she was too controlling he wasn’t happy, he works 6 days a week and is given pocket money like a child, he writes down what he’s spending and has taken on bar work on weekend nights for more money.

She is angry he is working more as it’s less time for them.

How can she deal with this? In a way that he will listen and in a way that means she isn’t actually domestically abusing him.

It sounds like a dysfunctional relationship to be honest. She shouldn't be marrying someone who can't be trusted to hold on to his own debit card. He also sounds like he is rather selfish in the relationship and isn't at all ready to be married especially to someone with children.

She's committing benefit fraud, he clearly has moved in and they have joint finances.

This is the issue, they don’t have joint finances. He pays nothing towards bills in her mothers house, he doesn’t buy food. He literally just stays there probably 5 or 6 nights of the week. She does not have access to any of his money, he doesn’t support her girls. She is holding his debit card so he can save for their future, not to spend his money herself.

This all sounds extremely dysfunctional.

He’s only allowed to stay over 2 nights a week (I think) for her to be allowed full benefits so there’s benefit fraud to consider.

Is he sharing a room with her and her DD’s? That really isn’t the best or safest set up.

They also shouldn’t be getting married when she only just divorced her last husband (and father of her DDs) a year ago. All very Jeremy Kyle, sorry.

They both sound bonkers tbh why is she expecting him to do everything why is she living with her mum and engaged? Surely getting their own place is more important than planning a huge wedding - he’s working 6 days and she’s controlling his money - all sounds massively disfunctional

why should she look after his money. he's an adult and really shouldn't be living with her and her mum. way too fast but sadly she can't see it.

sorry just saw your update. has she heard of the word cocklodger.

This isn’t real.
Surely SURELY nobody is that stupid, surely??

If it is then YOU need to be contacting social services for the safeguarding of those poor poor children that no one seems to give a flying fuck about being dragged from one horrendous situation to another by a mother who is clearly not well and not thinking clearly enough to ensure a safe and happy future and present for them.

Those poor children.

Neither of them sound ready for marriage, nor suited to each other in a relationship.

She should sort out her own life, somewhere to live independently from her mother, and focus on her children.

I never usually go on about the red flags but there's so many there, it's hard to know where to start.

The biggest one is working full time, living with his DM and having no savings. That man will never have any money, savings or financial stability and life will just be a stressful battle, especially as she will lose most or all of her benefits when they move intogether and he will be expected to support her and DCs.

Plus him being expected to be cooked for and I bet he's not doing his share of the housework, washing etc at either your friend or his DMs houses?

What a mess. Of course her mother wants her out. She took her and her DC on when she left her ex and is presumably footing the bill for feeding and housing them and no a relative stranger has moved in without agreement and has filled the house with his crap and will be costing her yet more.

Your “friend” is making awful decisions and should be focusing on her children, gaining sons independence from her mum, not a big fat wedding or a man she barely knows.

This is all odd. How old are they both?!?! Can’t he manage his money and live away from his mother like a grown up

Sometimes people who have left abusive relationships end up exhibiting abusive behaviour themselves as they've learnt terrible ways of acting in relationships. Regardless of your friends behaviour keeping hold of the debit card, her partner sounds like someone who just wants things his own way and is really immature. Unless they can sit down and talk to each other properly about planning for a future, including their attitudes to money, she should just get rid - it'll never be a proper partnership.

Probably best to sit it out, she'll come to her senses soon enough, and likely wouldn't thank you for getting involved t this stage.

This relationship sounds awful. Your friend needs to end the relationship and focus on her dc's, and especially moving out of her dm's.

Sounds like yet another overgrown toddler of a man who has gone from mummy doing everything for him and zero responsibility, straight to another woman who is expected to do everything for him and be grateful.

Then the woman who has walked from one abusive situation into a new one without the self esteem to tell him to fuck back off to mummy.

Your 'friend' is a dick.

Nobody can MAKE someone else act like a grown up. He needs to want to sort his finances out. She needs to step back at the very least, ideally she should dump his sorry arse.

Sorry but this entire relationships sounds twisted and dysfunctional on both sides.

She's moving too fast: why get engaged after only a year? Especially with 2 little girls.

If she can't afford to move into her own place, of course she shouldn't be planing a massive wedding. Where are they planning on living afterwards if her Mum isn't happy about him staying over now?

He needs to live on his own and realise that dinner doesn't magically appear by itself every evening. He is a perfect cocklodger in the making.

She is setting herself up for all kinds of misery with this man child.

On the other hand, she does sound massively controlling. Giving him pocket money out of his own wages? If this was a man doing this to a women everyone would be shouting 'Financial abuse.'

They both sound far too young and immature to be having a serious, adult relationship.

Urgh. I think they both need to walk away and grow up.

In a nutshell she needs to dump him, concentrate on her children and working up to some kind of security and forget looking out for new useless men!

He’s only allowed to stay over 2 nights a week (I think) for her to be allowed full benefits so there’s benefit fraud to consider.

There is no such rule. In fact, there is no definition in benefit regulations as to what constitutes co-habitation. It's down to things like do you spend your evenings together, share meals, do family and friends regard you as a couple etc.

They shouldn't be together. Their 'relationship' is a farce and isn't going to change.

It sounds like this relationship needs to end. They clearly aren't right for each other and are bringing out the worst in each other.

This relationship is not (or should not) progressing. Doomed. Your friend must be honest with herself or she may find she’s still paying off the wedding bill after the divorce.

No way should these two get married. I get that she wants to sort his spending, but its not up to her to take his card and give him pocket money, he as to agree to something like that otherwise I would say its abusive tbh. The way he treats her is shit. And also, she seems to be comitting benefit fraud if she hasn't told them he has moved i, which would probably remove most of her income depending on his wage. All in all, not a good mix.

Omg... from one dreadful relationship straight into another one.

They need to split up as they are not compatible at all.

She then needs to sort her own life out with her children and get independent.

Feel sorry for the Mum who has had her house taken over by everyone else!