Trying to control partners ridiculous spending

[Ironymaiden]

Asking for a friend.

She is with her partner just over 1 year. She is separated, with 2 little girls. Her marriage was extremely dysfunctional with her leaving because of emotional domestic abuse, her husband would shout at her, demand things to be done, and would be quite tight with money leaving her with pretty much no cash to spend on herself.

She is on benefits at the moment because she is ill, and doesn’t earn her own income and won’t be able to for the foreseeable. She lives with her mum, and space is tight with her and the kids. Her mum is trying to encourage her to find a place to live but she feels she can’t afford to live outside her mums due to £

She is engaged to her new partner, he has never been married before and wants a huge wedding. Although he works full time he has no savings and lives from week to week. He lives with his mum too. She is not allowed stay over in his. He has practically moved in with her and her mum and it’s causing issues. He has taken up more than 1/2 the storage she has in her room which means he has approx 1/2 for him and she has 1/2 for her and the girls. She’s taken the clothes out and left them packed for him to bring home, but he won’t bring them home. He might bring them to the car but he’ll leave them in the car and carry them back in a few days later when he needs space in his car. He expects her to cook his dinner every evening. She’s very annoyed. She’s had chats with him and he hasn’t taken anything on board.

She is now upset because she seems to be shouting and fighting with him and is sad that she’s turning into the man she left.

She has taken his debit card and he is given money by her from his wages to save. Save for himself, the wedding and her and the kids future. She doesn’t see why this could be abusive, she doesn’t see an issue.

He was drunk on sunday afternoon and drunkenly told me she was too controlling he wasn’t happy, he works 6 days a week and is given pocket money like a child, he writes down what he’s spending and has taken on bar work on weekend nights for more money.

She is angry he is working more as it’s less time for them.

How can she deal with this? In a way that he will listen and in a way that means she isn’t actually domestically abusing him.

would be quite tight with money leaving her with pretty much no cash to spend on herself

It seems understandable why she would now be so afraid of running out of money after prolonged financial abuse, don't you think?

The new man sounds abusive too frankly.

Has she had support since the abusive marriage to understand what was done to her, how it affected her and the children, what healthy relationships should look like, and learn how to spot warning signs of abuse?

I'm assuming not from what's going on now.

Telling her what to do won't help matters, it'll just repeat the abuse she's used to of being controlled. It takes time to unravel the damage caused by coercive control. She needs support not judgement.

If she hasn't had the opportunity and nobody has mentioned it before, encourage her to give the Freedom Programme a try. They won't judge her or tell her what to do, but they can help her figure out how to live in a happier way and have happier relationships.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They're a friendly, supportive bunch, and it's confidential. It's not therapy, it's information, so she won't have to share her story with anybody.

She left her marriage and everyone asked her to go to councelling and not race into another relationship, she was single for two months and was utterly depressed being single. We all tried to talk her into staying on her own and getting her life together but she defended her moving on with that mentally she had checked out of her marriage years ago and was ready. She was signing birthday cards from “mum and dad” 5 months into the new relationship. I don’t really care about him but I want to help her, and don’t want her to be someone she hates, or in another unhappy marriage

Single for only 2 months after an abusive marriage and desperate to be in any relationship just so she isn't single, only proves how messed up she is. She needs to grow up, get proper help and put her children before a fucking man.

Exactly what Whatsnewpussyhat said. Poor kid.

She's gone from one dysfunctional relationship to another. She needs to dump the craooy men she's choosing and focus on getting herself well and financially secure for her kids sake. This pie in the sky wedding is a disaster if it were ever to happen which seems unlikely. Unfortunately your friend needs some home truths.

Another one wondering whether the friend has given 2 seconds thought to how her children feel, having their parents split up and now having to share a single room with a strange man all within a year.

If she doesn’t care about that she really won’t take on board any other advice about this supremely fucked up relationship so what’s the point.

Why is she desperate to be in a relationship, any relationship, no matter how crummy?

I don’t understand parents like this. It’s self-indulgent and selfish. So sad for her children - all the energy and time she’s wasting on this loser is time and energy she should be focusing on them. It’s not just her life she’s messing up, it’s her children’s lives too. They need to come first, always. She needs to sort out her priorities and her mum needs to read her the riot act.

I want to help her, and don’t want her to be someone she hates, or in another unhappy marriage

You can want all you like, but its up to her. She can't make him be more financially responsible, you can't make her be responsible in choosing a partner.

He pays nothing towards bills in her mothers house, he doesn’t buy food. He literally just stays there probably 5 or 6 nights of the week

She’s willing to settle for this? Is this the best she can hope for?

He’s showing her the best of him now - this is as good as he’s ever going to get! It’s the good part, the exciting part, when you’re still getting to know one another. Soon enough the novelty will wear off, he’ll get comfortable as everyone does and he won’t be on his best behaviour any longer. Imagine what he’ll be like then! When it all ends in tears, she’ll be back to stage flipping one. Still in the same crappy situation with only another lousy relationship and unhappy kids to show for it.

If anyone that I wasn't married to, or at least lived with, who didn't work themselves tried to take my bank card, and ration my money I would run for the hills.

Which one is your friend?

If it is the man then tell him to move out and move on.

I don't think she would be as receptive to listening to advice about ending the relationship. So I would aim at getting him to end things.

She needs to grow up, move out, stand on her own two feet and parent her DC, not put her emotional energy into this dead-beat relationship.

She sounds as selfish as him, honestly. Her poor mother, her kids - she’s not thinking of them at all. I doubt you’ll get her to listen, I’m afraid.

Those poor kids. Out of one shitty situation straight into another. Five months in and it’s ‘mum and dad’ on birthday cards.
Where are they all sleeping? Please tell me they’re not all in one room at her mother’s house.
There’s another thread on here about why women have children with crap men. Watch this space these two young girls are the next generation of women and so the story repeats itself.

Her poor daughters. What shit role models for a healthy relationship these adults are. I hope there’s someone else in their life who puts their interests first.

she was with partner for a year, has two DD, so at least one must be from a previous uncommitted or failed at commitment relationship, she is too ill to care for herself and her children and now she already has a new fiancee who tends to drink too much?

She's a hot mess. the common denominator in all these failed relationships is her. this one is going to be no better than the last or any before it.

she needs to sort herself out before trying again to add a man to the mix. Pay attention to her health, get a stable housing situation for herself and DDs, she can stay on benefits and be a stay at home mum as far as I am concerned so long as she stops trying to fix her problems by accepting such partners as the worse than useless men described here.

While this man certainly sounds a bit crap, in tho OP it says friend has taken his debit card and gives him an allowance and the rest of his money is saved for their wedding and her DDs future. Is he supposed to pay her mum keep from his allowance?

She sounds very financially controlling and it may well be a consequence of a DA marriage.

IMO she should stay single and get back on her feet but thats often easier said than done.

It sounds like a ridiculous, childish relationship. I can't believe two grown adults 1) still live at home with their mums and 2) are planning to marry when they don't even live together yet! This whole thing sounds really juvenile - how old are they? 16? I think they have more problems than his spending to be honest. Maybe they both need to take some time apart to work on themselves and then reconsider a relationship when theyve grown up a bit.

OP a big wedding? when neither is contributing to her mother's expenses? is she thinking about her children at all? she clearly has MH issues but he sounds like a loser - and clearly has some money if he's drunk on a Sunday unless she's facilitating it. And while he's saving money apparently and working overtime and she has his debit card she's cross he's not around more. And yet they don't have joint finances?

Your original question was *
How can she deal with this? In a way that he will listen and in a way that means she isn’t actually domestically abusing him*

They both need help and to sit down and talk about the future in a calm way including the financial stuff. What does he earn, what could she earn, how much if they moved to rent somewhere and all the bills and room for her DCs. A big wedding sounds as if it's pipedream territory.

Agree as well that a big wedding is a massive slap in the face to the mother here - providing emergency housing to your ill daughter in a time of crisis, and instead of using that time to save money to get secure housing, she’s going to piss it up the wall on a party? Completely putting aside the fact that the relationship sounds horrendously toxic on both sides.

I don’t understand people that just piss money away; like the bloke here - if I was single, working full time and living at home i’d be loaded - able to spend some cash on frivolities but also saving a ridiculous amount for the future.

Like, full time minimum wage is what, £1000/month? £150/week to piss up the wall on booze, phone, gym etc would still leave me with the ability to save £400/month and probably not even feel like i’ve been ‘depriving’ myself. In fact, i’d probably set myself a target to save much more than that a month and tighten my belt a bit.