Unreasonable work commute

[restingbitchfarce]

Looking for a new job in quite a niche role and as current contract ends this month

A job has come up which would be a 90 minute commute each way

Would I unreasonable to my kids to even think about this? They're 13 & 18 and just us three at home. I feel it would be a long day out the house for me

Depends on the actual journey I guess. Driving on the M25 is rush hour - no. Reasonably reliable train - fine. My commutes about 90 mins, train and bus/tube. And has been for 15 years since kids were in primary. And I used to workpart time and left at 2 to pick them up from school at 3.30!

I worked in London and lived in Kent for 6 years. The commute was an hour door to door. It was the norm, everyone did it.

I mean, this is Mumsnet, so I'm sure there are people on here who set off for work an hour before they get back the night before so I wouldn't worry about a 90 Mon commute.

Doing 90 mins each way and think what makes the difference is less the time and more the stress of the number of changes you have to make / if you get a seat (am in London and its train then tube in). Am lucky as always manage to sit but would think twice if I didn't. Also not awful if heading home on time but at busy periods, leaving more like seven...that sucks a lot of your free time w commute on top.

i know many that do it.maybe not on purpose for some but in london rush hour deff sometimes more!
few do it on the train and love the commute and their little train routines on the way in and out.
i think it matter what you do when you with them.can you give them the time and be on-it enough when your back to give them what they need.
if you go ahead dont make it 'a thing' because thn they will feel its so.just make sure they have you when your there.

I was doing an almost 5 hour daily commute for 3 months. It was hell. But there were lots on my train who did it permanently.

We moved and now it's 1 hour each way but I only go into the office two days a week.

Depends on lots of things really. If you're driving that's different to public transport. When you're on the train you can do life admin like order weekly shopping deliveries etc, also read books and stuff. It gives you a bit of headspace. Can't do that when you're driving, although the upside of driving is that any delays are less likely to be lengthy - with a long commute by public transport, ime it doesn't take much for the whole thing to come crashing around you and you end up taking two hours or even more to get home.

Also depends if you can start early and leave a bit earlier, as that way your kids won't be alone for as long after school, which is the time you'd worry about them being alone, as opposed to in the morning.

I'd think about it carefully. You're the only adult in the household so people who are married etc and doing this come at it from a different perspective.

I'd try to wangle at least one day if not two working from home as that would make a massive difference, but I do appreciate not all jobs allow for this.

If youcan WFH 2 days a week then you and the kids could make it work.

If it was 5 days a week I'd say it's too much. However depends how long your day is. If you will be leaving every morning at 730am and not getting home until 8pm - is that what you and your kids want?

My commute is at least an hour each way. However I wfh every Friday and my start / end is flexible on other days. But even so it is my husband who is at home most with the kids as I often leave by 8am and don't get home until after 730pm.

Am also a single parent to two, although younger than yours (7 and 1). My commute is 60 mins from the childminder to work, 80 mins when you add on time to/at/from the childminder.

I don’t find the commute itself (London - mix of overground/tube/walk) unpleasant or long, but I do find it makes the day long when I’m the only parent at both ends of it. It isn’t very good for any of us. I have a good degree of flexibility - I do 9.30-4.30 in the office three days a week, which means the children ‘only’ do 9 hours a day without me, and two days a week I work from home which is a lifesaver.

Perhaps it’s more viable with teenagers? Not because they’re any easier(!), but because they’re probably not already floppy and furious with hunger by the time we get home, like my 1yo is. And because maybe you can reconnect with teens at the same time as emptying the dishwasher and hanging up the laundry and all the other tedious crap that seems to take up the whole evening when you’re out of the house for too many hours or the day. I dunno, we make it work but it is a bit shit really and is one of the very, very few aspects of parenting where I do feel a bit hard done by as a single parent.

To answer some questions

Work hours are 8.30-5.30 5 days a week and not a job where I could work from home even on the occasional day

Would be driving so I'm guessing I'd need to leave home by 6.30am to allow fir any hold ups and chance to get a coffee before starting at 8.30am. And again I assume I won't be home till 7pm earliest so out the house over 12 hours a day

I already prepare dinners that just need to be heated up or do lots of one pot slow cooker meals so kids can have dinner before I arrive home

@DirtyThree At the end of this month I'm unemployed. I'm looking at every option but not many of my type of specialised job around anymore and I've tried to get out of this type of job years ago but no one would look at my cv, said I had no interchangeable skills.

My only other options are shop work or basic office work but that would pay half the salary I'm used too, quite happy to drop a few thousand pounds a year but not half my wage. As the only income in the home I can't afford that much of a drop. The kids father has never paid maintenance as unemployed so no chance of him helping even temporarily

As you need the money and can't drop your salary then there isn't really another option, you should take the job

Depends on how you travel. 3 hours door-to-door is about the limit, I think. If the commute is fairly straightforward it's ok. Crowded trains or roads are a bit more stressful.

Sounds like you don't have a choice. Are dcs able to get themselves up and out in the mornings? How long will the 18 year old be living at home for?

My current commute is an hour and 15 mins door to door, 45 min of that is a train journey, I travel from a town into a city. When I lived in London I had a similar commute (outer borough into central London) I have 3 kids (2 are under 10). I'm hoping to relocate job closer to home at some point but at the moment there's nothing for me. It's hard and tiring.

My commute is about that at the moment and I manage fine but I very much worry what it will be like when I have kids.

I would say since you're going to be imminently unemployed, to give it a go.

I used to commute at least 90 mins each way (when all the trains were on time etc): 10 minute drive, 40 minute train (with seat), 10 minute wait, 10-15 minute train (depending on which one i got) up to 10 minute wait then 10 minute bus. The buses were every 10 minutes which was good. The key in the morning was the first train - if that was late, i had plenty of chances to get other connecting trains/buses but that one threw everything off. The most regular delays were big summer storms (knocking out the overhead cables) or the first really big snowfall and/or winter storms.

It often took me well over 2 hours to get home and if I didn't have my car for some reason was a real pain in the neck.

I did most of my study for a degree on the train (and at lunchtimes at work). But it was a huge strain and I was glad when it stopped.

For over 10 years I used to commute between Bristol and Cardiff, by car, train and bus.
Would leave on time at 5pm and thought it was a good day if I got in by 7pm.
If I missed any connection, it could be 8pm before I got home.
Factor in delays. They can be the crunch point.

I have just retired but my commute was 90 minutes each way if everything worked perfectly, which it very often didn't.

I went back to work when my children were 2 and 4, though initially only 3 days a week. The worst bit was knowing that I couldn't get back quickly in an emergency. I was lucky to have a good neighbour/childminder who helped, and was always happy to keep my children later, and feed them if necessary, if my train was delayed (my children were the same age as hers and they went to the same school/nursery).

I think in the circs you have to take it. I did a 2.5 hr round trip commute when my daughter was a preschooler (and on Southern Rail so had lots of journeys longer than that). I found it draining and missed her, but it was doable. You'd still be back in time to help the 13 yo with homework etc so I think go for it but look for something closer to home if you feel it is too much.

I'm considering Reading to Birmingham. Watching with interest,

But fingers crossed I'm sent to the London office!

Kids or no kids, spending 3 hours a day travelling is just a waste of your life.

I'd only consider it if it's a great job and there are no alternatives closer, even if they pay less. Obviously fuel and wear and tear on your car will be significant and you should consider what you would do if your car is out of action.

Also, if you do take the job, I'd take the opportunity to get the DCs doing a lot more for themselves at home. I wouldn't be putting the dinner on for them every day for a start.

I'd ask both of them to do two proper dinners a week for the three of you each (or 4 days between the 2 of them if the 13 YO isn't confident with cooking yet). Maybe if they can do Monday to Thursday and you can eat out or get a takeaway on Friday and you cook at the weekend - possibly planning in leftovers to give them a start in the week.

Also get them doing their own washing and just being tidy and considerate to lighten the load on you. And get a cleaner and gardener if you can afford it.

I do a 1h50 commute each way. I'm out of the house 12 hours too (but 5.30-6)

It really DOES depend on the commute.

I do it pretty much on a single train, I always get a seat and I've flexed my hours to avoid the worst of the rush hour. My work and domestic routine in the week are rigid to allow me to always be on time etc. - it's dull but having clothes chosen in advance, dinner ready for when i get back and stuff, really helps me stay on top of long days out.

I (personally) couldn't do it by car - the extra 90 mins concentrating at the end of a working day would wipe me out (I did do a 60min driving commute a while back - and switched to a longer train journey for exactly that reason - although i was also sleep deprived by toddler/pregnancy at the time and didn't feel safe).

If you do want to take it on, I'd advise you to start out with a relentlessly positive mindset. Sounds really trite: but if you start out thinking it's a drag, it's only going to get worse. "this commute allows me to continue in my career which is rewarding and live in my home where i am happy, get the salary I want AND I can spend the time listening to audio books/music and i enjoy driving" AND repeat, sounds cult-like but I've been doing this for years now and I only get cranky now and then. (and i'm not a naturally cheery soul!)

I wouldn't do it. That's 3 hours of your life you can't get back every single day, spent sitting in a car. However if you need the money as your contract is ending; I would say do it with a fixed term in your head to allow you find something closer. How niche can a role be though, what type of area are we talking about? Maybe if you say, people can give you ideas to extrapolate what else you could do within that area; sometimes we have blinkers on ourselves.