To talk about postnatal depression

[upsetmum304]

Name changed for this as I am a regular poster on here and I don't want to be outed.

I need to talk about PND. I'm not sure if I have it but I have nobody to speak to in real life so I have to vent here.

I'm weeks after birth now and have started to feel very down. I've been having random crying episodes for no reason and I am struggling to cope with my son. I feel like a terrible mother for writing this, but I become so frustrated when he cries and often shout at him. I can't figure out why he's crying sometimes and I get so upset about it. When I feel like this I think I regret having him, but then when I've calmed down I know I was being ridiculous and feel terribly guilty for even thinking like that because I love him to absolute pieces and would die for him.

I feel like a shit mum and I don't know why I'm feeling like this all of a sudden. I'm not sure what I want from this post but I had to put it out there. Please somebody tell me I'm not a horrible mum and that this is normal

I still feel awful some days when the exhaustion gets to me. I feared talking to anyone and haven’t had medical help yet but I think that my family and friends are keeping tabs on me. And I’ve finally sought some medical help - appointment next week!

Please don’t leave it as long as me, I’ve wasted my maternity leave and wish I’d sought help earlier.

You’re not a horrible Mum.

Is this your first? What support do you have?

Babies are exhausting, unreasonable, unpredictable little things. Just as soon as you think you’ve got them figured out they seem to change the goalposts.
Honestly for the first few weeks it can seem like a thankless task.
I remember the first night DC1 came home. We’d been in hospital for weeks (preemie). I had so desperately longed to be able to bring them home but when I finally did that first night was horrendous; they hardly slept and wouldn’t latch. I remember thinking “What the hell have we done!” And feeling like this would be life forever.

Speaking as someone on the other side of PND and PTSD; It gets easier, you find a rhythm. Baby starts to give back a bit.
You’ll figure this out.

But, there’s no shame in saying you need extra help; please, speak to someone about how you feel. It might be PND, it might not, I would feel awful to ‘diagnose’ based on my own experiences but please speak to someone in RL. sometimes just getting it all out helps the fog to lift.

I suffered from PND when my son was about six months old and had lots of very similar thoughts that you are describing. I spoke to my GP and also my health visitor. I ended up on medication for a while but what really helped me was a PND support group that I was put in touch with through HV. They helped me understand that there are so many reasons many women experience these feelings, hormones after labour, lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed due to a complete change in lifestyle. SO MANY THINGS, and not a single one of them is because you are a shit mum or that you don't deserve your baby. If you didn't love your baby and you didn't care, you wouldn't be feeling rubbish. You are absolutely exactly what your baby needs, and your wellbeing is just as important as theirs.
Please please talk to someone so they can help. You are not alone xxx

You're not a terrible mum, and you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. It's hard, the hardest thing ever, but the fact you're worrying showed you're a great mum because you care about your little one. Don't be scared or ashamed, you have no reason to be - have a chat with the health visitor, or the local clinic, or your GP if those aren't an option. And there's so many lovely people on here with the same experience who can share their experiences. It does get easier, remember you've just made a new person, you are a super woman

Thanks everyone for replying so far. It means a lot that I can speak to somebody without being judged. I would be frightened to speak about this with anyone in real life for fear of judgement.

This is my first baby and the last few weeks have been great. He's been a "good" baby - not really that fussy or much of a crier. But that seems to have changed in the past 5 days. He's been like a different baby. Crying no matter what we do, keeping us up for most of the night, wanting to be fed more often and crying as soon as we put him down.

It's been exhausting and I'm knackered, to top it off I feel incredibly lonely. I feel like I've lost my sense of identity and that I'm just his mum now and nothing else.

The feelings of guilt are so difficult to deal with.
He's gorgeous and so innocent. He deserves a mum who doesn't cry all the time and can give him what he needs without getting frustrated

Is there any pattern to his crying you can identify?
Is it more after a feed for example? How is he fed? Have you spoken to a HV or GP about reflux/CMP allergy/colic?
Sometimes there is a cause for excessive crying that can be ‘fixed’ sometimes it’s a developmental stage, sometimes unfortunately some babies are just more tearful than others. DC2 was unfortunately a crier all of a sudden at around 12 weeks. We tried everything but nothing made a difference, it just gradually went away.
I’m sorry I know that’s not much help, and I know how it feels to feel helpless when you just want to fix your baby’s upset. And, for us, the cliche was true; as soon as DH would take over baby would stop crying. It felt like DC2 was just confirming my feelings of being worthless. But I promise, that’s not the case atall, they are so receptive and they pick up on your stress so if you’re stressed because you can’t soothe them then they become kore stressed and so it goes around and around in circles like a self fulfilling prophecy.

You sound exhausted and it’s so understandable. Please don’t take anything to heart; your baby is so lucky to have a Mother who feels so strongly for them. He needs you and you are and will get through this.
Please don’t be ashamed to speak to someone in RL. Is there a HV or GP you trust? No one will judge you.
I was recommended a book ‘The Compassionate kind approach to PND’ if you can get a hold of it, even the first few chapters it might help you see that these feelings are natural, they are not a failing. YOU ARE NOT A FAILING.

Hi op. I had pnd from the words 'here's your baby' I think. Honestly it was awful. I cried all the time. I was paranoid. I felt useless. I wanted to die. But I fucking loved my baby, I just couldn't seem to stop thinking everyone was better off without me. The crying would set off my intrusive thoughts, it honestly drove me quite mad.

I am ok now. I still have bad days. I still sometimes think I'm the worst mum in the world. But I am ok now.

I urge you to speak to someone, please. HV or GP can help. Or you can self refer to your local IAPT. I tried and tried to get help from HV, and the GP and they both tried to fob me off - don't let them x

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman yes, it's always after a feed that he's difficult to deal with. It makes the night feeds more exhausting. For example last night he was up at 4 and didn't go back down until past 6am. He was fussing a lot and we couldn't settle him.

The first time I met the HV about a week after birth I told her I suspected reflux and she just said it was because his oesophagus hadn't yet developed properly and to elevate his Moses basket.

He's bottle fed

Big unmumsnetty hugs to all of you who are struggling
If you are crying a lot, please, see your GP. they wont judge you. Mind and HomeStart both offer help to new mums;

www.mind.org.uk/mumsmatter

www.home-start.org.uk

Op it's fantastic that you feel able to talk here, well done for making this thread. It's something I continually would type out but never post when I was suffering with ds1. It's hard, it's so hard and bloody hell the guilt you feel for even thinking this wonderful ball of scream is hard is horrendous. But, as a pp said, it does get better, easier, and more fun. God it has to or all of us with more than one dc are either insane from the first or in massive denial!

If you are having a tough time of it, please try to talk to your hv or gp. They will never judge but will help you, however that may be.

How old is your little one? How is he fussing after feeds? What is he doing? We might be able to pin point a bit of help that way.

@TheBabyAteMyBrain thank you for your reply, it's helping that I'm talking to somebody, even if it's just people online.

He is almost 6 weeks old. He will feed and then he grunts and snorts a lot, cries and wriggles a lot, bringing his knees to his chest. It looks like he's in pain but no matter how long we spend winding him it doesn't help

@TheBabyAteMyBrain sometimes when we try to wind him by putting him on our knee and supporting his head he will arch his back and go rigid and cry, making it impossible to pat him on the back

@upsetmum304 hi, sounds like reflux is causing him pain, my Dd at this age was the same, crying for hours , arching back with nothing soothing her. GP prescribed Gaviscon but ranitidine was the only thing which helped. Really hope things get better for you. Please don't think it is anything you're doing wrong x

Poor babe, it is hard as all babies go through a period where it seems there wind is hurting them as their gut starts to mature. It could also be something like reflux, which is always at the back of our minds.

Have you tried feeding small amounts and winding in between?

Look up Tiger In The Tree Hold, it's a life saver.

YouTube baby massage for wind, I used to do the Leg Cycle, half moon, leg rotate and toe touch to help move things with my two.

Keep baby upright after feeds for 30mins or so. This can be on you or in a chair or with a mattress supported. There are wedge pillows which I've heard good things for but I've never used one.

Look into Purple Crying also, although if the crying is a new thing you light have been lucky enough to miss it.

6 weeks is also a big age for growth a development. There are people who thrive off something called The Wonder Weeks, which explains why your child turns into a complete twat for a few weeks at a time, personally I'm not a fan as I feel it's constantly telling you when twat baby will be back and you're constantly looking for the negative. But... It does explain all the wonderful things twat baby is actually learning and doing during this period which can be helpful!

Going back to you... Please continue to talk here or wherever you feel comfortable to talk about you. New babies are all consuming and we can easily lose ourselves while caring for them. Do whatever you need to do to make it though the days. Try to get out as much as you can, it's such old advice but it does help your mental health. Lower expectations of the house care and deligate where you can. Make sure you get even a few minutes a day just for yourself.

Please see the doctor - mine was lovely. She recommended CBT, I have a review with her every 2 months and I am on Sertraline which may have saved my life.

I was crying most days, regretted having my baby, shouted a lot, felt guilty. He was also refluxy and so different from older DS I felt utterly useless.

I suffered way too long.

I’m so much happier now and actually enjoying my baby again.

You’re not alone and it’s ok.

For baby, start simple- Infacol was a life saver for our very gassy newborn! You could also talk to the HV about a comfort formula. As a pp said 6 weeks is also a big developmental leap so it could just be a fussy patch too.

For you- first off, you're never alone, as someone who is only now feeling over the PND I got with my 2nd baby (who is now 20 months!) reach out! You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you're not a failure, you're a good mother who cares what her baby goes through. Talk to a GP, get your friends or DH to give you an hour to yourself every day. Do one thing each day that's for you and talk about the good days and the bad to anyone at all, even just us strangers on the internet! It really does take a village to raise a child, it's just that the modern village is a bit different. We're here for you

You poor thing. You’re being very hard on yourself. It’s so normal to feel this way as your baby is so young.
It may be PND or it may be that you are very tired, you can’t underestimate sleep deprivation or it may be your hormones balancing out. Try not to over think it.
Can you change formula? I also elevated the top of my kids cots or bassinets with books under the legs so it was on a slight angle. I would always think, I wouldn’t want to lie flat after a big meal.
Have you tried that? Also it’s possible he just wants extra cuddles and skin contact with his mum.
Definitely speak to your HV or GP because they know what to look for in women after they’ve given birth. I’m sure you’re a great mum and ignore the thoughts, they are just thoughts.

I would buy Infacol and give two squirts under his tongue before every feed.

As for PND, yes, this is around the time it hit me though I didn't recognise it as such. I eventually went to the GP 3 months in and had to answer a questionnaire thing, the GP spoke to me for a while and then decided to start me on anti depressants.

I agree with all the PP; if you can pinpoint fussiness increasing after a feed it might be time to look into reflux again or changing the formula.
It might not solve it but equally it doesn’t hurt to try.
Good luck!

I hope you’re having an ok night tonight, keep talking to us all, you’re getting some wonderful advice here, and it helps to know you’re not alone, especially during those long night feeds.

Had a terrible night and my boyfriend has honestly made everything so much worse. I don't know what to do anymore.

He went out last night at 8pm and only returned past 4am. To say I am so angry and upset is an understatement. I told him yesterday that I felt so lonely and upset yet still he went missing for hours and didn't return any of our calls or texts.

I haven't slept all night and have been up with my son who won't stop crying.

I want to give up

Hi OP. Fellow pnd sufferer here. First thing you need to do is make an urgent GP appointment.I would do it today as soon as they open. She/he will help you.

Secondly sit your partner down later today when he is not hungover and explain to him how you are feeling. You can even tell him what the GP said. Don't get into an argument about whether he should have stayed in but explain what you need him to do from now on. If he is generally a good partner he will respond to this. If he is unsupportive then that tells you something about who he is.

6 weeks is a well known developmental stage. For my kids this period of really difficult nights lasted about a week or so around 6 weeks so hopefully it will calm down. Obviously it may be reflux so mention it to the GP. Have you tried the "wonderyears" app?

These are the things I found helpful for my depression. I was on medication as well and that took about 2 weeks to work but other things:

1. Reading ( I love reading but basically finding some leisure time is important)
2. Exercise. Find the time to go for a walk. With the baby or even without when partner is home
3. Meditation/prayer get relaxation music and have 10 minutes alone with the music taking deep breaths. Really helps for mindfulness.
4. Seeing friends and family and having things to do in the day. Arrange meet ups/go to baby groups/go to the cinema (most cinemas have baby friendly screenings in the day sometimes) at this age baby can go with you wherever you go.

5.Sleep it seems obvious but sleep deprivation is exacerbating your depression. Make sure you are using you partner whenever he is there to catch up on sleep. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Go to bed early etc.

I am sorry for long post but I just wanted to offer you support having suffered twice. The medication really worked for me but the other things are useful too. You are not alone, plenty of women go through this and you will come out the other end and have a wonderful time ahead of you with your baby.

I also have PND and to echo what the others have said, don’t wait, to see your GP. I didn’t go until my son was 5.5mths old and feel like I wasted so much of my maternity leave. My baby also had wind and reflux problems so I understand the frustration of a baby that is fussy with every feed.

I found that I needed antidepressants to give me enough of a push to do the other things I needed to do to help, such as getting out of the house.

Go easy on yourself, it’s still very early days.

First thing to remember, "Every cloud has a silver lining". If you are having bad days now, don't worry as the good days are about to come.

Having said that, babies cry either for hunger or colic or wet/dirty diapers. Please burp baby after every feed no matter what.

Mine is 8 weeks old, sleeps for an hour and half in morning on bed, an hour or so in his daddy lap in evening, sleeps in lap from 9- 12 in night (we have no fun in keeping him in our lap, he wakes up the moment we put him down )and keeps waking every 2 hours in night. Parenthood is never easy. The joy you get seeing your baby smiling at you makes it all worth.

Please stay positive and strong. Your life will be better soon.