To give up work?

[Workerbee1]

I have two DC (4 & 2) and work part time - 3 days per week. It is a demanding job (solicitor) and I end up having to check emails/ do bits of work on my days off. It is reasonably but not highly paid.
My DH has recently been promoted and given a big pay rise too. He now earns 10 times my (part time) salary.
However, he is now expected to travel more, work longer hours for meetings etc. This means that Monday - Friday everything else is down to me. I feel I am always chasing my tail.
With his new salary I do not need to work, we have hired in a cleaner to do "his share" and outsource ironing. If you add in childcare, travel costs etc I basically work for nothing (I know this isn't the point, costs ought to be shared and my DH definitely sees it this way).
I am also disillusioned with work. Before children I was on a good career path but having children and going part time has destroyed that. Even if I went back full time I feel I am behind my peers. My job is just ok, I don't love it.
My DH would never suggest i give up work but he has always said it is up to me. I have reservations as I like having financial independence (and have heard enough stories about SaHMs being shafted) and I worked hard to get to this point. I feel guilty about giving it up.

I would do it for a few years but look at ways of keeping up to date and having some adult time. Could you volunteer for get yourself on a few non-profit boards?

OP I am pretty much in the same situation but I would never give up work even though my job is fairly dull. I would hate to feel like I learnt nothing - even though my part time wage is mostly absorbed by costs my bonus if we have a good year at least pays for a holiday.

Also no work would mean no childcare for us - and I am not amazing at being with a toddler all day every day. That is just the truth. I really admire those who are.

My older kids are slightly older than yours 4 and 7 (I have a baby too - that is another story) and once they get to school then you end up with a weird amount of free time. I had a day last year when they were both at school / school nursery with nothing to do and I did not fill it productively. May be you would be different.

Once with baby is 2 I am going to look for a new role - I have more freedom to look for something else now.

Anyway you are not alone op. Whatever you decide doesnt have to be forever.

Is there a way you can quit but do something less hours that keeps you hand in.

My situation is that my mum was divorced several times. Several time left in the shit because she gave up her career. As a result, I always worked full time through fear of being in the same position. Probably not the healthiest reason.

Anyway after 15 years my husband had a breakdown and attacked me. Totally unexpected. But the fact that I had a job made the whole process, separation, divorce settling the kids alot easier. Money wasnt a worry.

The only advice I would give to friends is, think about what will happen if you split and you find it difficult to get back into work. If you are in a industry that it would be easy, or feel it's a risk you are willing to take. Do what makes you happy.

The only concern is what happens if the marriage goes wrong. My heart always goes out to women who have given up work. Their husband leaves and they are left in the shit.

I would be very wary of giving up a job that’s not easy to return to. As PP have said, you never know what’s going to happen.

If you are to become a SAHM, you should set out clear expectations with your DH and ensure that you are financially protected - contributions to a pension, savings as a fund for you (and you alone) in case anything happens to DH, all other savings in joint names inc house deeds.

Also an agreement on when you’d return to work and how the household chores will be split when you do. When DC are 5 / 10 / 18?

Unpopular opinion on here but if I were you I would quit.

It doesn't sound like you actively want to be a SAHM - more that your career hasn't gone the way you wanted it to and your DH's job has made it even harder.

So I would look at what options there are to get your career back on track- e.g. a sideways move, in house or maybe government or local government work? And I don't think you should accept your DH doing nothing Monday-Friday, I am sure there are still some things he can take responsibility for and some that can be done at weekends

unless it is something you can easily re-enter after 5-10 years I wouldn't even think about it.

what precisely are you struggling with? can you get more paid help or send the 2 yo an extra day to nursery. 4 yo is in school or will start school in September.

if not absolutely needed, I would try to stick to the job!

Nobody can tell you if it's the right thing to do because no one can look into the future.

Who knows if you'll get bored of being a sahm in 5 years time but find you can't get a job in law because of the gap, it in 10 years time when your kids are teenagers and do t need you do much.

Noone can predict whether you'll be hapilly married or things have gone wrong and you say have become a single parent.

The only advice we can give is to take the time to think it through as it's easy to think the grass is greener when you are knackered and stressed and assume that a situation where this is taken away is bliss. However boredom, financial dependency, lack of mental stimulation can be as depressing.

Would your employer allow a career break? You could ask. Even 6 months would give you a chance to get your head above water again.

I’d quit but please do consider the ramifications of a divorce e.g struggling to get back on the career ladder

I would not work if I didn't have to.

Could you do freelance?

What type of law do you practice? Is it readily transferable to inhouse from private practice. I was a commercial litigator and couldn't make it work on a part time basis. I ended up staying home until ds at school then worked inhouse for a well known sports company. Gave up law when they relocated and now invigilate for gcses/A levels as well as being a Trustee for a hospice.

My relationship with DH is such that all cash goes into joint accounts and neither need to ask if we want to buy things other than say cars etc. I am not sure I would have wanted to be at home and to have to ask for pocket money.

Also when I worked for sports co it was very parttime and term time only!! Pm if you want

If you give up your work, will you be able to rejoin the profession when both kids are in school?

Do you have a preference? SAHM / PT-work? I couldn't quite tell from your post.

You don't sound sure - can you give it a while to see if you settle into the new routine better than you're expecting?

If you do give up, make sure that you agree with your OH to invest in a private pension as much as both you and your employer would be contributing to your pension each month and buying back the missing time for your State pension. Missing pension contributions can have such a massive impact on women down the line.

It's a tricky one, for the moment probably suits not being at work but as other replies have suggested how easy is it to get back into a job when you are able. I've been in your boat but stayed at work and am glad I did.

I wouldn’t give up your job. Did you know that spousal maintenance doesn’t really exist any more after divorce? I didn’t. I know so many high flying male solicitors who have affairs and are on wife number 2 or 3. Also I have met many men who have praised me for still working after kids and slag off their ‘lazy’ wives. Keep going it gets easier as the kids get older, you need to have your own pension.

I would stay in work because there are no certainties. Aside from divorce your husband may get sick, die or lose his ability to support you all.

Would he really never feel resentment at being the sole earner for the rest of his life? I know some of my colleagues with a permanently non-working spouse ultimately resented that the financial burden is all on them, even when they have agreed to it and genuinely agreed when the choice was made.

You sound unhappy in your career so why not make a plan for a change and get yourself set up in something else. It sounds as though now is a good time to do so.

Surely if you are genuinely a solicitor you already know the answers?

Your job doesn't sound particularly rewarding or satisfying. Why not just take a couple of years off, then look for something else. And not necessarily in private practice.

To answer some questions - I am a private client lawyer, high net worth individuals and so I could do freelance work. I have previously approached my bosses to request that I WFH one day a week but they are notoriously old fashioned and stuffy and so although they are happy for me to put in extra hours at home (unpaid) the trust just isn't there. Even part time work is unusual here. I could look for alternative work but I find most jobs are advertised as full time.

I would be laughed out of the office if I asked for a sabbatical - maternity leave was treated like an extended holiday.

My best work friend is a family solicitor and so I hear alllll the horror stories - I would like to keep my hand in. I like the fact that if DH lost his job we could live on my salary if needed. Plus, pension - my firm only started one when forced to and I only have a small private one I started myself so I am behind in these stakes.

I don't think I am cut out for SAHM life, I enjoy my days off with the children but it is only two days - I think I would go stir crazy if it were every day.

I don't worry about our finances- most of our savings are in my name for tax purposes anyway. We put all our money into a joint account - DH leaves it all to me, I give him pocket money.....

I guess my issue is that as I don't need to work (financially) my passion for my job has just died. Plus with DH's career going so well it does put more pressure on me at home - for example, to get this promotion he had to take on some charity work which means he now sits on the board of trustees for a local arts charity - he has a meeting once a month but is also expected to turn up to events which is another 2/3 things a month at least (we can do some as a family but not all) plus all the additional work he has taken on at the office - all this means is my hobbies/ life etc come second. DH is a good father and I am happy with him, he does do as much as he can at home - I really cannot fault him in that respect.

Maybe putting DD into nursery for an extra day would help? My eldest starts reception in September. But the guilt, the guilt....

I feel the guilt. I always feel guilty about something 😂 don't think that ever goes. My sister whose kids are now in their 20s still feels guilty lol

Reading your update makes it even clearer that you just don't want to be a SAHM, but you're not happy at work. So the solution has to be getting a job that you prefer.

I do also think your DH needs to be more conscious that he is putting more on you as a result of his promotion and I don't think you should just accept coming second.

It sounds like it's flexibility you need. I would look at freelance work, public appointments and being on committees etc. You would still using your skills and getting into useful networks.