To give up work?

[Workerbee1]

I have two DC (4 & 2) and work part time - 3 days per week. It is a demanding job (solicitor) and I end up having to check emails/ do bits of work on my days off. It is reasonably but not highly paid.
My DH has recently been promoted and given a big pay rise too. He now earns 10 times my (part time) salary.
However, he is now expected to travel more, work longer hours for meetings etc. This means that Monday - Friday everything else is down to me. I feel I am always chasing my tail.
With his new salary I do not need to work, we have hired in a cleaner to do "his share" and outsource ironing. If you add in childcare, travel costs etc I basically work for nothing (I know this isn't the point, costs ought to be shared and my DH definitely sees it this way).
I am also disillusioned with work. Before children I was on a good career path but having children and going part time has destroyed that. Even if I went back full time I feel I am behind my peers. My job is just ok, I don't love it.
My DH would never suggest i give up work but he has always said it is up to me. I have reservations as I like having financial independence (and have heard enough stories about SaHMs being shafted) and I worked hard to get to this point. I feel guilty about giving it up.

I wouldn't give up work and be a SAHP if you are already concerned that your career has fallen behind as a result of having children. The answer is to advance your own career for better fulfillment, not to give up your career. You may not need to work financially but that could change if your relationship fell apart.

As you can afford it, I would give additional hours to the cleaner so that she does your share too. What about outsourcing your ironing too. Invest in paying for work to be done by others while you can to take the pressure of you. Concentrate on advancing your career.

What about moving to a different company or doing a different field of law? Would that give you more of a sense of achievement and fulfillment?

Thank you all - I think it helps to pass my thoughts by people who don't know me/ my husband.

I guess I feel it is too late for my career. I should really be a partner by now or at least on track for it. I thought I would go back FT once my children were both in school but I am seriously lacking in motivation - juggling childcare, school holidays, sports day, assemblies etc. missing out on things when I don't have to.

I thought PT work was the answer but it really isn't- I neither do a good job at work or at home.

I think flexibility and perhaps consultancy/ freelance work would be an option but I suffer with a complete lack of confidence since returning from maternity leave - striking out on my own seems scarier than giving it all up.

If you don't want to work on your own do you know a colleague who is in the situation who you could work with for mutual support?

I think in your shoes I'd decide whether I wanted a career, or was happy with just having a 'job'. If you're not fussed about a career as such, but would still like your own money, I'd suggest looking for a role either now or in the future that can use some of the skills you've acquired during your time as a solicitor, that would work around school hours, or term time etc. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
My career has been on a sliding scale since I had my kids - I started off in management full time, then demoted myself to a lower role full time, then part time, and currently zero hours but always in demand (I do one or two days a week). We need my wages, even as their lowest, but if we didn't I think I'd still work - I need the external stimulation going to work provides me.
Mumsnet will always tell you the perils of leaving yourself dependant on a man, but it by no means has to be a permanent situation. Once your kids are both in school / entitled to more free childcare you might feel more comfortable doing more hours

It sounds like you need a new job much more than you need to be a SAHP. I think quitting and becoming a SAHP would end up being a permanent solution to a temporary, localised problem (the combination of your DH's newly increased hours and your small children; your unsupportive and inflexible current job). Plus with your weak pension and lack of love of being at home with small kids... It might not go as well as you'd hope once you were past the relief of the pressure being off.

I would look for a new job and hang in there. I have had good success applying for full-time jobs and negotiating 4 days. In-house counsel seems to offer a better w/l balance in law. I would also look for opportunities in the Civil Service where you would have good security, benefits and more option for p/t or jobshare, if not top-flight pay.

I gave up my career after ds1 was born and have no regrets.
It's whatever you want to do though.
I'm starting working again when they have all left home.
If you keep up with changes in your industry it's not difficult to find work even after decades as a sahm.

Also a solicitor here who found partnership track mysteriously disappeared after I had my first child. This happens to almost all women - you are not alone and should not take it personally. Eventually I changed firms to a much smaller and more modern one and made partner there. I work from home one day a week and have a lot of control over my hours. Being a SAHM was never an option for me as I earn more than DH, but I also don't think I'd be cut out for it - though I am sometimes jealous at school drop off time of the mums who are!

I think you need to change jobs, not quit work. Apply for the full time jobs and then when you get to late interview stage or better yet have an offer, that's when you ask if you could do four days a week, or work from home.

If you keep up with changes in your industry it's not difficult to find work even after decades as a sahm.

It would be lovely if this were true, but unless you were doing entry-level work anyway or have in-demand scarce skills, the data show a heavy lifetime financial impact. Many women will never get back to the salary they were on pre-career break, much less see any growth.

Every single woman that ever got shafted by this ideal of being at home whilst their husbands are out there earning the big bucks and they're at home running the household never thought they'd end up shafted. Short of being independently wealthy I'd keep my feet firmly wedged in my career.

This is exactly how this sort of thing starts and whilst it's each to their own - I've seen/heard too many horror stories.

I would. Give up your office based job and think of other ways to use your skills. Legal writing, legal advice to charities, will writing. Your skills will be in demand and keeping current doesn't have to mean going into the office and sitting at a desk. Self-employment is the way to go ;-)

If you keep up with changes in your industry it's not difficult to find work even after decades as a sahm.

I hear this only from sahms who plan to reenter the workplace after ages out of the working world.

if you have a career and become a sahm, you don't just 'keep up' with all the changes. if you think this is possible, you are just kidding yourself

I agree with the above - it was hard enough keeping up with changes over 2 x 1yr maternity leaves! I just don't think it would be possible to leave for a few years and then hope to come back.

I'd probably hand in my notice if I was you. Your oldest will be at school soon and I assume that they youngest would start pre-school or have the 15 hours, so you'd have some time to explore other options. I did simialr when dc were a bit older and after a few months off settled into a prety busy freelancing role - the difference being I am in control of how much work I take on. If Dh is working away a lot or DC have a lot going on I dial it back a bit and ramp up other times (at least that's the intention - don't always get it quite right!)

Op my colleague returned to work after 5 year break. I think it was very hard.
Consultancy? Setting up as someone who produces estate accounts?? I've used someone to outsource this task if it was too time consuming (cheaper for client). Non stressful, wfh... perhaps a bit dull though?

I would look at this increase in household income as an opportunity to do something you really want to do. It doesn't sound like that's being a SAHM tbh. I think being a SAHP is a great thing to do and I absolutely love it but it's certainly not for everyone and a struggle for some. It sounds like you have the money and breathing space to re train, volunteer, look again at your options? In your position, with a dh on 10x your salary (who is happy either way)there's no way I would carry on being unfulfilled in a job I no longer liked.

I'm a solicitor too, currently on maternity leave and most days I think about returning to work with absolute dread. I mean, I like my job, but I just much prefer being with my children and having the time to keep our lives running smoothly without always chasing my tail.

HOWEVER, I've also been a SAHM when my older DC were little, and when my marriage broke down, I was properly shafted by having no financial independence. Of course not every marriage breaks down, but even in the solid ones, having all the earning depending on one person is a lot of pressure on that person. The baby years are short (though don't feel it at the time), and after that, there is a lot of time left. It is really hard to get back into law after a career break for kids. If I were you, I would perhaps look at working on a consultant basis for one of those outfits like Keystone Law. Keep your hand in, with a view to returning to a "proper" job when your DC are older.

If you keep up with changes in your industry it's not difficult to find work even after decades as a sahm.

Yeah good luck with that, especially in the legal industry.

OP would in-house be an option? There are a lot of companies offering plenty of flexibility and WFH nowadays.

I wouldn't give up your job altogether OP.

I work PT in a well paid job and whilst I've had to rein in the career progression a bit I love the fact that I could rely on my salary if I had to as well as using my brain and feeling valued.

Went through a rough patch with DH a while back and having the confidence to know that I could go it alone meant that I didn't have to stand for the way his behaviour was going.

I'm sometimes jealous of the SAHMs skipping off for coffee and yoga after drop off but I know it's not for me. Look at other options .. new company or freelance that gives you the flexibility.

I have a private client background and I have to say that I have found private client departments are run by dinosaurs who have no idea how to run a 21st century office. I agree over the loss of partnership prospects - I didn't have my DC until I'd got there for that reason....

I think that you have 2 separate problems - first that you are feeling "stuck" at work and secondly that you have too much to do at home. The second can be addressed if you chose to throw money at it - more hours from your cleaner/getting a housekeeper - it shouldn't just be covering DH's share - if his promotion places more domestic responsibility on you then he should be covering that as well. I chose a nanny rather than nursery as it meant that I could have some "me time" on my day off but also spend some time with the DC - perhaps doing some fun stuff whilst the nanny got their tea/sorted out their clothes etc or having some one on one time with one child whilst she looked after the other.

Career-wise is going to be more difficult - could you step sideways into support for a bit - you might find that you could keep within your hours better/ be able to work from home if you weren't client facing? Or you could look at whether you might work for one of the publishing houses for a bit. The people I've seen who've gone freelance often struggle as they tend to feel they can never say no to work/clients so I doubt that would be a good choice for you at present.

Londonmummy66 has a good point about not being client facing if you can.

I'm a residential property solicitor. I was on a fixed contract when I got pregnant with DS so we agreed I'd be a SAHM until he started school. I lasted until he was 2. It's a difficult thing to consider giving up law completely.

There's no shame in not wanting to be a partner if you don't. I never have.

My current job is pt and I don't see clients. It means I can finish on time. It's handy as DH works long hours (and earns 4 times what I earn).

I would give up work while your DC are pre school if you can. You will never regret it and you are a qualified professional so will be able to get back into your profession when the DC are school age.

OP your employer sounds just like my DH's. Private client, old fashioned, no idea what 21st century workplaces are like. I'm guessing they've also got the bare minimum maternity pay policy & struggle to recruit & retain women....?

It honestly sounds like you need a change. What about seeing if you can head to somewhere like an IFA or accountancy firm where the working environment is better? Often the work solicitors do overlaps with other professionals in these specialists areas and it's possible to move away from law firm environment.

Alternatively, can you find an in-house legal job? It doesn't really matter what your specialism is now, if you go to a small firm as an in house lawyer you can probably pick up a new area. I had lawyer friends who did this, a lot is generic contract drafting skills and is very transferable.

I would not give up work but I would look for a different job.
If a firm is old fashioned you won't change that.
Sometimes it seems the easiest thing to give up work when the kids are little,but it is so hard to get back into it later.Have seen a lot of women make that mistake.

Also I would be wary of letting your husband prioritise his career over yours

I was in a similar position (although my husband doesnt earn 10x my salary) and decided to give up work. I was a teacher so I do some private tutoring now to keep me busy, using my skills and still contributing to finances albeit in a minor way.
It sounds like freelancing would be ideal as it gives you flexibility. When you have kids at home for the holidays presumably you could reduce your workload to spend time with them and save childcare.

I have been in exactly the same position OP and I stuck with the job. It wasn't fun when they were so small but once they were both at school the guilt lifted and now I actually enjoy working. Have ultimately had to go full time when I got a promotion but I was happy to do that by then as the youngest was in Y3 and I retain some flexibility, working from home and finishing at 3 for two days each week. I would say don't be hasty to make big decisions like that when you still basically have 2 toddlers. It won't always be so tough.