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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stoop to his level?

37 replies

guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 07:24

My husband and I are going through a long bad patch. The main underlying cause is his drinking. He's in denial but functioning on the surface, enough to work and be doing well enough (I think) as a secondary teacher. He drinks to the state of black out where he has no recollection of the last few hours of the night and how he got home at least once a week. On the other nights he drinks minimum 3 pints (thats's on a quiet night), most nights a bottle of wine (plus other drinks I probably haven't seen on the way home from work). There have been occasions when he loses it with me and calls me every name under the sun. He says strange things that just don't make sense. The latest one was: 'Why are things always being charged in this room?' announced angrily, when in actual fact he charges his phone and computer in the bedroom everyday - but I am not allowed to charge things in the bedroom. I am not allowed to use any other charger apart from the one I got with my phone. He on the other hand is allowed to use whichever is nearest! This is just one example of his unreasonable behaviour there are many many more.

He has started going out and not telling me where he is going, who he is with when he will be back etc. When things we were good, we would go out together and now he has stopped inviting me - I think so he can get plastered without me seeing it.

He never apologises for his behaviour. He is lethargic and passive. He will never book holidays and when I asked why he says he is too busy. He has just had 10 days off at home and spends the whole day watching TV, surfing the net, sleeping or reading. Getting him to pay his share is like getting blood from a stone. He feels as I earn (slightly) more than him I should pay for it all. Despite the fact most of it goes on a credit card which is in my name and has 4000k debt on it. He never comes up with ideas of things to do with the kids during the day time.

So I have booked a night away with the kids and a friend and not told him about it or invited him. The kids have told him innocently enough that we are going away. And he has the gall to be annoyed. Even though he made it quite clear he did not want to go away during his holiday. He spends between 10-20 pounds a day on booze which adds up as you can imagine. So he could have money for holidays, but he thinks his money should be for booze only (not food, kids clothes, hobbies, bills etc).

What to do? I have asked him to leave but he won't.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 06/06/2019 07:31

I’m sorry I couldn’t live with him. He’s terribly selfish. Is there a reason you stay?

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 07:33

Yes - the kids! And it's complicated as we are ex-pats abroad.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 06/06/2019 07:37

Why would you want your kids living with him? He sounds horrendous.

I left my alcoholic ex and my kids always say they wish I had left sooner.

marcopront · 06/06/2019 07:44

Is your accommodation through his job, your job or independently arranged?

What about your visa and the children's visas?

Are they getting free schooling where he works?

Sorry for all the questions but trying to get information that will enable better advice. For the record I am a teacher working internationally.

fedup21 · 06/06/2019 07:47

most of it goes on a credit card which is in my name and has 4000k debt on it

How much?! That is insane.

Why don’t you split up?

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 06/06/2019 07:48

Is that a typo, or do you really have £4000k credit card debt?

Stop putting things on the credit card. TELL don't ask him to move out. Make your exit plan and do it.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 07:53

The accommodation is through my job as I get a housing allowance, he doesn't. My visa and the kids visas are completely independent of his. The kids get free schooling where I am - I'm a primary teacher and they are 7 and 8 years old.

The kids have no idea as they don't see him in these states. And they are so used to seeing him hungover in bed or watching TV, that they don't expect much from him. He is a loving dad to them in the sense that he cares about them and is kind to them. He doesn't say horrible things to them.

We have a live-in maid which helps to make things more bearable as Mon-Fri I don't have to do any cooking, laundry or housework during the working week.

I feel I should just try and stick it out until we can move back home to the UK, but I will get my own place. However, that is not until July 2020....He of course wants to stay here where he isn't judged by anyone for his drinking and no-one confronts him about it apart from me! Not his words obviously, but I am pretty sure that is one of the reasons. He also would not be able, I suspect, to cope with the demands and pressures of the job back in the UK.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 06/06/2019 07:59

What's the reason you and the kids can't move back to the UK just now?

You can't stay for them. You aren't doing them any favours at all by staying with a man like this. Kids notice and pick up on much more than we think.

You must be miserable. I'd start making arrangements to move home this summer and get kids into a school.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:04

I am on a contract and have another year left - and it takes a while to sort everything out logistically. I will need to get a job, a place to live, pack up all our things, sell the car. And yes I need to pay off the credit card before I leave. Which I am doing at 400 pounds a month but with no help from husband (defo not DH!). Is there a mumsnet acronym for alcoholic-selfish-lying-husband?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 06/06/2019 08:07

How are you going to earn enough to pay off £4000k debt in one year?

Or do you mean £4k?

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:09

I mean 4000 pounds! I'm a teacher, not a banker! I could never pay of 40,000 pounds. Oops, sorry for typo!

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/06/2019 08:10

What would be the consequences of leaving the contract early? I was an expat for nearly 10 years and bought myself out of the contract I went out with, although ended up staying in other jobs.

I came back to the UK when my DD was nearly six on the basis that the younger she was changing schools, the better.

Your DH situation sounds absolutely horrible (and I say that as an alcoholic in recovery for many years). Is he perfectly happy with the set up and sees no reason for him to change? That's the biggest issue. Anyone can change their behaviour if, and only if, they want to enough, but nobody else can do it for them.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:13

He will not change his behaviour. He tells me his drinking is normal and that he drinks the same as me. Admittedly I drink a bit, but not every day and never get a drunken state. He cannot go a day without drinking. But in his mind, he only drinks in the evening (well as soon as he finishes work, about 430pm).

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/06/2019 08:15

I hope he's not driving anywhere!

Get legal advice asap. And start putting everything in order for you to go. Inc applying for another job.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:21

Driving is another issue. He refuses to learn. So I am the only driver. Luckily for him taxis are cheap here so he doesn't really need to drive, in his mind. Although obviously on the weekends or on holidays it's me who does all the driving. When I tell him that I am tired of doing all the driving, he says that I don't drive him anywhere. The only time that happens is if I am going somewhere anyway and he comes along! WTF?

OP posts:
Propertywoes · 06/06/2019 08:24

Life is far too short to put up with this crap from him. what is this business about you not being allowed to use phone chargers? Is he like this with any other aspect of telling you what you can and can't do in your own home?

Mix56 · 06/06/2019 08:26

Tell him to leave. You finish your contract, then go home & Divorce
Not only is he a selfish, not contributing drunk, he is also a bully

Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/06/2019 08:26

Have you considered simply telling him to leave and that you want a divorce? I can't see any positive aspect that he is bringing to the table.

omione · 06/06/2019 08:26

Spend the next year ignoring him and plan for your future. Dont buy any food or toiletries for him. Mentally dissociate from him and keep telling yourself he is no longer your husband , good luck

fedup21 · 06/06/2019 08:27

I'm a teacher, not a banker! I could never pay of 40,000 pounds.

To be fair, you said £4,000,000 which is why we all panicked!

He sounds horrible and I’m amazed he doesn’t stick of booze and hasn't been sacked. Is it just your name on the tenancy-he needs to go.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:34

Well, there was a complaint about his drinking at his school from a colleague. But I think his line manager decided not to take it forward, as he didn't know anything about it but I got told about in confidence and one day in an argument I told him about it. It didn't go down well. The complaint was that he smelled of booze at work and that he was spotted after work drinking by himself regularly.

OP posts:
chuttypicks · 06/06/2019 08:44

If your residence is in your name then surely you could ask the authorities for help to remove him? It's your accommodation after all, not his.

Original poster
guildingthelily · 06/06/2019 08:47

I'm not sure I have it in me to literally kick him out, I would rather he agreed that it is not working and leave.

OP posts:
TreacherousPissFlap · 06/06/2019 08:52

OP, this rang so many bells as it's an almost identical situation to DH and I.

I eventually told him it was over. He moped and sulked and didn't believe me, then when he realised I meant it panicked and begged for one last chance.

I told him he had to stop drinking for three months, thinking he wouldn't agree. I hoped if he did agree, it would show him how much better our lives would be and also break him out of that lethargic, passive state you describe.

He jumped at the idea and is currently 5 weeks in, I have no doubt he has stuck to it (though he is costing a fortune in food now he has his appetite back!) He is calmer, sleeps better, eats better, he laughs and joins in with plans we are making, to an extent it feels like he is the DH I met all those years ago.

My biggest fear is what will happen when he starts drinking again. He maintains things have definitely changed and will remain so.

All I know is the enormous feeling of relief when I had made the decision to finish it. Fingers crossed it will work out for us, but I have made it clear in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate a relapse. I will have no qualms about ending my marriage and DH knows that.

Good luck OP Flowers

Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/06/2019 08:56

@TreacherousPissFlap on the one hand I commend you for taking a firm stand. Alcoholism is a progressive illness and, too far down the line, stopping for even a day would be almost impossible (and in some cases very dangerous - obviously not the case with your DH).

Have you considered or discussed what happens after the three months of sobriety? I could stop for weeks or months (or once for two years) at a time, but I knew that I was still an alcoholic, albeit a dry one.