To stoop to his level?

[guildingthelily]

My husband and I are going through a long bad patch. The main underlying cause is his drinking. He's in denial but functioning on the surface, enough to work and be doing well enough (I think) as a secondary teacher. He drinks to the state of black out where he has no recollection of the last few hours of the night and how he got home at least once a week. On the other nights he drinks minimum 3 pints (thats's on a quiet night), most nights a bottle of wine (plus other drinks I probably haven't seen on the way home from work). There have been occasions when he loses it with me and calls me every name under the sun. He says strange things that just don't make sense. The latest one was: 'Why are things always being charged in this room?' announced angrily, when in actual fact he charges his phone and computer in the bedroom everyday - but I am not allowed to charge things in the bedroom. I am not allowed to use any other charger apart from the one I got with my phone. He on the other hand is allowed to use whichever is nearest! This is just one example of his unreasonable behaviour there are many many more.

He has started going out and not telling me where he is going, who he is with when he will be back etc. When things we were good, we would go out together and now he has stopped inviting me - I think so he can get plastered without me seeing it.

He never apologises for his behaviour. He is lethargic and passive. He will never book holidays and when I asked why he says he is too busy. He has just had 10 days off at home and spends the whole day watching TV, surfing the net, sleeping or reading. Getting him to pay his share is like getting blood from a stone. He feels as I earn (slightly) more than him I should pay for it all. Despite the fact most of it goes on a credit card which is in my name and has 4000k debt on it. He never comes up with ideas of things to do with the kids during the day time.

So I have booked a night away with the kids and a friend and not told him about it or invited him. The kids have told him innocently enough that we are going away. And he has the gall to be annoyed. Even though he made it quite clear he did not want to go away during his holiday. He spends between 10-20 pounds a day on booze which adds up as you can imagine. So he could have money for holidays, but he thinks his money should be for booze only (not food, kids clothes, hobbies, bills etc).

What to do? I have asked him to leave but he won't.

You're not stopping to his level by kicking him out. It's totally reasonable.

I have been here with an ex who got trashed every weekend to the point of passing out. He was usually ok during the week and we got on so well, yet he got totally shit faced at any opportunity. We split up many times as he gambled too and disappeared for some of the weekends and turned off his phone. I think underneath it all he felt I owed him, so he could behave how he wants as I was from a council estate, and he managed to get me a job he thought was much more respectable than the one I was doing - I worked in hospitality. In fact, he constantly borrowed money off me and I bought his clothes and toiletries, and had to bail him out a few times when he went out on pay day and gambled all his wages away! One day when I turned the computer off as I was watching thousands disappearing from the screen on a gambling site he pinned me to the floor and spat in my face. After that, I knew I needed to leave, but it still took me a few months. I'm not saying your DH is violent, but he sounds like he is knocking your confidence and that's the opposite of what you should be doing.

Your man is in denial and completely lacks respect for you and your children. To put it simply, he is relying on you to take the role of mother to him as well as the kids. He is being secretive about money, as he probably doesn't have as much as he makes out. I guess you are probably feeling complete indifference and resentment towards him now like I did with my ex. He is just someone who helps pay the rent. If this is the case, the relationship is already over and you are wasting your time by staying with him.

He will not change until you leave him unfortunately, which is what I did. Apparently that was the kick up the arse my ex needed and I've heard he is doing well now, but if you stay with him he won't change.

I would take some time to get things in order and then make a break for it. Don't tell him your plans. I had to move out to leave my ex, as I knew he would try to get me to stay and make promises he wouldn't keep. Ask about leaving your contract early. Explain your mental health is being affected by staying. If you want to stay abroad as your kids are settled and your name is on the lease and you're getting the allowance for it, then he needs to go. Simply chuck his things outside and tell him you'll charge your devices wherever you bloody want to! He will probably try all sorts of ways to worm his way back in as you pay for most things, so he has money free to go drinking.

This kick up the arse is probably the best thing you can do for him. It may be the thing that gets him to clean up his act. It wasn't until I met someone else that I realised what I put up with.

Thank you treacherouspissflap(!!??) for your words of hope. Obviously I would like it to work out, but unless h stops drinking there is no way it will. I am going away for a few days to clear my head (well to a theme park with kids but hopefully with some spiritual temple visits too.)

Then when I return I will speak to him. I might even tell him when he gets home later that we need to talk and tell him the time, the day and the place, as he refuses to talk about things saying 'not now' etc. I also want him to be sober and not hungover when we talk which makes timing these things hard.

Yes monsterinmypocket I am acting as his mother which is what I really have had enough of. It is similar to living with a teenager who expects things to be organised by someone else constantly. I have to ask him to buy food, pick up the kids, cook a meal, wash-up or he simply does not. I would like someone to say 'hey, let's go for a picnic today with the kids' or at least ask if there is anything we need from the shops as he goes there everyday to buy beer/wine!

I would tell him by email that you are going away with DC, & want him gone on your return, He is alcoholic. You will not be subjecting your DC to this behaviour further.
He needs to face it for anything to change

op you don't know what he does or who he is with when he is drunk- this could make you vulnerable in ways you do not want to imagine - get rid of him - he is dangerous to you & your dc not just difficult

sorry! cont also his debts become yours - separate formerly & make sure you are nor responsible for his debts!

Is there alanon where you live? They would really help you. You will need legal advice too. Get yourself sorted, don't bring your kids up in this mess. Give him one chance to ger help, don't waste your life.

You are all completely right. Thank you so much for your advice.

He has no wish to join AA as he will not admit there is a problem. I have supportive friends here but no-one will actually confront him.

I am worried about what happens when he gets very drunk. Last year at my work party, he got so drunk he literally couldn't stand up. I tried to escort him out but could not physically manage. I left him as I did not know what to do and our taxi was waiting. Eventually, he was found sat on the street outside and a friend poured him into a taxi. When he came home, he turned the bedroom lights on and screamed 'What are you doing?' This did not make any sense.

I am worried that he will have a heart attack one day soon. Luckily where we live is very safe so he is unlikely to be beaten up, mugged etc.

He has quite a large beer belly but skinny arms and legs. I am pretty sure he has some of the signs of liver disease already. I have googled it unsurprisingly. He has spider angiomas, one side of his face is more swollen than the other, loss of appetite etc.

I thought I 'd have a glass of wine whilst cooking dinner - the half bottle from the fridge that was there yesterday has gone. Ok he drunk it not the end of the world - but he didn't offer me any, I would have said no last night anyway, so not really the issue. But what he did do is obviously use a wine glass, wash it up and dry it up, so that there was no evidence in the morning. I get up with the kids every morning and there was no wine glass in the sink or on the drainer. When I asked him about it - he said he can't remember but no he didn't wash up the glass and put it away. He obviously did, but is lying about it. I am now accused of starting an argument again. Give me strength!

Why is he still there?

Cut up his credit card immediately. He can get one of his own that he is solely responsible for, or live off the cash that he earns.

He provides no input to the family.. financial or emotional.
Tell him to find somewhere to go for a few weeks so he can think about which is more important.. his family or the bottom of a bottle.

If your income alone is enough to keep the wheels turning, and the house is one of your benefits, then turf him out!

OP - from you latest update regarding his behaviour, I would be inclined to believe him about not having washed up a glass. In this stage of alcoholism, few bother with glasses and drink straight from the bottle.

He sounds like an embarrassment and a danger to himself and others. Please protect yourself and your DCs. You are absolutely correct that if he won't consider AA, he is in denial and there is nothing you can do apart from leaving him to it.

I'm not sure I have it in me to literally kick him out, I would rather he agreed that it is not working and leave
You're his cash cow and enabler - he's never going to leave his cushy life with you of his own accord.

You're making excuses and using the kids to avoid kicking him out.
You've got accommodation, a job, a car and home help - more than what most women have when they leave abusive bullies.

Stop making excuses and just get rid of him.