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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children Fucked It Up We're Each Others Babysitter

55 replies

ChildrenFuckedItUp · 05/06/2019 21:32

Ten years we had together then we had kids. Ten years later and we've hardly had any time alone together. No nights away, or in, without kids (nobody we'd trust or the kids would be comfortable with overnight yet). DP has formed friendships with a number of people and sees them often. I find socialising difficult so haven't done the same. I feel so lonely and miserable sometimes. Like I've lost my best friend (DP).

AIBU? I know I am, but FFS! And then they're little shits sometimes like today. Drives me up the wall.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 05/06/2019 21:55

OP, in the words of the very wise woman I knew, your relationship with your husband takes precedence over your kids, because if the two of you are happy, the children will be ok.

Be devoted to your children but make sure you find the time to put your husband first as otherwise you will just grow more distant with time. If the kids have no special needs/medical conditions that require you to care for them 100% you need to slowly start trusting that they will be ok with a baby sitter. Yes, babysitters are expensive but how much is your marriage worth? The more you stay at home the more awkward you will find social situations, so try to relax a bit on the children front to recover yourself and your martiage.

TanMateix · 05/06/2019 21:55

Marriage, not martiage

SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2019 21:56

So you do get time out alone to work on your relationship.

How many nights is he out in the week?
I think you need to work out what else is wrong in your relationship tbh.

Do you both work full time? Do you end up doing most of the childcare and housework?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/06/2019 21:56

So your OP was a tad on the dramatic side, go out for regular date nights and work towards leaving the DC overnight. Also get a hobby of your own.

Boneshere · 05/06/2019 21:59

Sweeneytodd - you would think that wouldn't you? But no! I think they do it on purpose
Parents and Grandparents can never do the same time, so we are always at least left with the youngest, maybe two!

Plus we would have to drive kids 50 miles to my parents, and then take the other two 5 mile drive in opposite direction from our house. They never collect them, we always have to do the dropping off and collecting, plus feed them before they go.

I think they do it on purpose

SignedUpJust4This · 05/06/2019 22:01

What does your DP say when you tell him how you feel?

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 22:02

Why do you feel you need a full night away? What difference would it really make?

If you are fine to leave the kids for an evening, a full night is only a few hours more and breakfast, I can't really understand the problem.

Would you like to join your DH when he is out, or have time just with him?

Many nursery and preschool workers also babysit - they are paid so little. Can't you find someone like that, you could trust?

How old are your kids? I personally don't see the point to be away from my own kids, I don't see them that much as it is, but if you are miserable, it's not healthy for anyone. There's absolutely no reason you can't have a life even with kids, unless one of them is very ill.

SummerInSun · 05/06/2019 22:08

I completely agree that not getting to spend time together as a couple is very tough on any relationship, and you do lose the friendship part of your marriage if you don't spend time together. But like other PPs have said, you have to make it happen. I'm not sure why being away overnight is that relevant, if you are using babysitters to go out in the evenings? We now both use two days of our annual leave each year just for us - usually one in the spring and one before Christmas. Drop the kids at school/nursery, go out for breakfast, wander round shops or maybe a gallery/museum, lunch then usually a couple of glasses of wine before picking them up in the early evening.

You might also find that if you suggested / instigated things with acquaintances they could turn into friendships. I have several "mum" acquaintances who became friends after we got into the pattern of going out for drinks together every few months, after the kids were in bed. Lots of other mothers you know will feel like you and be happy to do things, but everyone is too shy to instigate.

PookieDo · 05/06/2019 22:09

If you don’t want an over night babysitter what do you want
You sound really resentful towards your DP and DC
It isn’t entirely their fault as such if you don’t feel you have any friends - making your DP your only close friend can often have that effect as you grow and change in a family and he has other friends. If you feel like he is not including you and going out too much then speak to him and try to work out ways you can become more social
I don’t want to get completely flamed but If I had a miserable resentful partner I am not sure this is the best recipe for a close friendship or relationship and it could be offputting. He’s not in charge of your happiness you know

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/06/2019 22:10

Am about to have my first overnight away from my 8 yo. Single mum. Probably will cancel.

Echobelly · 05/06/2019 22:13

I'm sorry it's so hard for you.

I guess a start is trying to find acceptance of where you are at - it could be easy to drown in resentment that 'the kids have fucked it up' (though I understand your frustration) and try to reframe it as this is where you are at, what can you do within reason to improve things?

I get the thing of feeling lonely when your DH has closer friends - I'm also not good at making friends and do sometimes feel conscious that DH has people he can call on for a drink after work, and I have no one I can really make last minute arrangements with like that.

Cakemadeoffruit · 05/06/2019 22:16

We found for overnight it was easier for the grandparents to sleep at ours in our bed, as the kids have all their things and creature comforts. They're less likely to be bored and play up and GPs found then easier to manage. Is that an option for you OP?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/06/2019 22:18

I'm in a little group with three other families - we're all friends, kids are similar ages. We take it in turns to have each other's kids over for sleepovers, so that each couple gets a night out, to sleep on their own, and wake up on their own. Kids are picked up about 11am next morning. Everyone is happy.

Lottle · 05/06/2019 22:21

People are confusing an evening out with a night away. I'm sure lots of people find themselves in this situation. Not your fault. Maybe talk to DP? Is there an evening class or exercise class you could go to when DP is watching the kids? Hope things look up for you soon. Can't be easy xxxx

Iwanttoredecorateagain · 05/06/2019 22:21

Could you both book a day off work whilst the kids are in school?

mathanxiety · 05/06/2019 22:35

If the DCs' issues are not diagnosed SNs then you and DH need to start working on them. Teaching children to be independent is important.

If SN is causing the issue then of course the difficulties with babysitters are a lot more understandable.

So also would be your frustration that you are stuck in the home all the time. It would actually be massively unfair of your DH if there are SNs at play here to have developed friendships that take up his free time while leaving you to shoulder the responsibility of parenthood by yourself.

But if the children just tend to be clingy or if bedtime routines have got out of hand or if you have dismissed the possibility of babysitters without adequate weighing up of pros and cons, then you have to look at your own contribution to your unhappiness and YABU.

Also, if you have not talked to your DH about disproportionate time spent out with friends and the unequal allocation of parenting time, you need to gird your loins and tackle that issue.

Thehop · 05/06/2019 22:37

I didn’t even get my wedding night away from mine. It’s hard, having nobody that’s prepared to help.

Can you get to know a local babysitter?

converseandjeans · 05/06/2019 22:49

I think you're getting a hard time on here! Not everyone has family prepared to have kids overnight. Certainly when mine were younger as I needed childcare when I was at work there was no chance of weekends/afternoons/overnight just so we could go out & we were completely broke so couldn't afford a babysitter. We have used babysitters on occasion though.
I get what you're saying - I am looking forward to being able to just go out maybe in the afternoon but maybe in the evening & not to have to plan things to an exact time. Enjoy a beer in the afternoon and think 'let's just have a few more'.
We have started to leave DD11 home for hour or two on her own so can see the light at the end of the tunnel. DS9 we don't leave so few more years before we can actually go out for lunch without them but it doesn't seem so far away now. Hold on in there!

converseandjeans · 05/06/2019 22:51

math I think you're being quite judgemental here. Even kids with no SN might not want to be left with babysitter. OP might not have spare cash for babysitter. There might not be anyone local who can do babysitting.

NannyRed · 05/06/2019 22:55

Did nobody explain that life changes once children come along? Or did you think children wouldn’t change your life?

woodcutbirds · 05/06/2019 23:03

OP, I understand how you feel. We were exactly the same. DS2 had complex physical and SEN issues, and simply couldn't be with anyone overnight. People thought we were being precious. One friend insisted on having them for a night then handed them back early and never spoke to me again. (Not naughty, just weird if you are not used to autistic behaviour.) My parents were useless and selfish, our siblings and DP's parents hundreds of miles away. We were so ground down by it all.

You do have nights out. That's a good thing. You need more of them together. And find something you enjoy as a hobby - doesn't have to be high social interaction - so you get some time of your own too. It's not entirely fair to judge your DP for having made friends if they are extrovert and you are not. But you do need to make time for yourself individually and for each other as a couple.

the other thing that helps is to have as much fun as you can as a family. Lots of days out to the beach, the countryside, fairs, shows, city museums and galleries, sports events, festivals etc - whatever you all enjoy. We gave up on a social life but we did stuff with DC instead and it really helped us all bond. DC are now late teens but they still love hanging out with us (sometimes) and I know DH is very proud of that.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/06/2019 23:05

Why do you feel you need a full night away? What difference would it really make?

Think of it like this. Say your working week is Mon-Fri. There's a reason why people enjoy Saturdays more than Sundays - yet both days are still considered the weekend Smile

OP. Yanbu. What are his thoughts on all this?

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 05/06/2019 23:09

The OP blames her children for her lack of overnight breaks with her partner. That’s harsh, as is referring to them as shits. Your DP appears to be neither lonely or miserable, so perhaps you should work on your own issues rather than lashing out at dependent children.

mathanxiety · 05/06/2019 23:17

Even kids with no SN might not want to be left with babysitter.
Lots of non-SN kids don't like to do lots of things, but often a greater good can be achieved by making them do those things or working with them to overcome fears or anxieties. They do homework when they would prefer to play video games, or they go to football practice when it is raining, or they learn to accept that mum and dad are out for a meal and the babysitter will be giving them dinner and seeing them off to bed.

OP might not have spare cash for babysitter.
There is no indication from the OP that this is an issue.

There might not be anyone local who can do babysitting.
Unless they live way out in the back end of the boonies there is most likely someone who could be hired to babysit, if even for an evening, and that person could do bedtime if the parents worked to make the children less dependent on them for bedtime.

Overnight getaways with a spouse often fall by the wayside when children are small.

But the reason for not getting out with friends or having a hobby here seems to be that the OP has not prioritised time for herself.

Itssosunny · 05/06/2019 23:24

I don't go out with my DH for dinner or lunch either. When we go out then we go out as a family. No close family here to help. Never had a baby sitter. I also know that my situation isn't that unusual.