Leaving baby to cry

[remember1]

My 7 month old baby has recently become very difficult to settle to sleep for the night. My OH and I have just had a massive argument and I'd like some perspective to see if AIBU.
My OH had been away for 2 nights with work and got back at 6pm today. I have been on my own with my baby and my older DD(11). I don't mind this as I'm still on mat leave but I'm knackered! He came in and offered to take baby for the evening to let me have a bath, spend time with older DD chill.

However, baby fell asleep for 30 mins then woke up hysterical. She then kept crying for over an hour. I tried to go in and see if I could help but got shouted at and told to go away. I left but after another 45 mins of hysterical crying and coughing I went back and he had her in her cot on her own ignoring her as 'she's got to learn"
She clearly was not tired enough to go back to sleep then and was in no way going to sleep that upset that she's almost being sick ffs.
I've taken her downstairs with me at the moment and he's had a massive strop saying he wishes he hadn't come back and that I'm a dick and I've pissed him off massively by mollycoddling the baby.
I really fucking hate him right now as he's a massive bellend and really wonder if I'm being as bad as he says.

No, he's a monster. Your poor baby. And poor you. Is this a hugely unusual event or one more thing in a long list?

No you're not. He's being a dick.

He’s a dick not you.

You can’t leave a fucking baby to cry hysterically for 45 minutes in the hope they ‘learn’.

All they’ll learn is that he’s a callous arsehole.

I don’t believe in jumping on every whimper but actual crying needs attention.

I’m sorry he’s a knob.

He’s a massive arsehole OP. She doesn’t ‘have to learn’ - there’s a massive gap between not going running every time she makes a tiny noise to see if she settles herself and leaving her to scream for 45 minutes.

My DD is 7 months and if my DH a) treated our daughter like that and b) spoke to me like that, we’d be having very serious words.

Nope. He's a class A dick. Am I right in thinking that was almost 2 hours of crying?! What did he think she was gonna do? Suddenly develop the cognitive thought to just lie back down and go to sleep? You did the right thing. I would have did the same.

Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

Thank you for the reassurance. He does have form for being a bit of a grumpy impatient arse but tonight he has excelled

I did sleep training with both of mine but that would have really really upset me too. Stopping a mum for meeting her baby’s needs is often part of domestic abuse. I’m not saying this is the case. If it’s an isolated situation, I think he needs to understand that he crossed a line. Essentially he used his physical power to stop you from meeting the biologically normal behaviour of a baby. It’s horrible. He needs to ‘get that and not do it again. If, this is actually part of a pattern then you can keep talking here. We’re listening.

I'm seriously considering where things go
from here. He'll sulk all night and tomorrow but will then try to act like it never happened. Not this time , major line crossed.

He doesn't understand what sleep training is. Get him to go online and look up ways of doing it that are gentle and non-upsetting.

He doesnt just get to decide alone how to parent. If he actually does want to do some sort of controlled crying thing then he actually needs to discuss it with you before hand and get your ideas and opinions, so you are on the same page and are consistent.
This is not a parenting approach this is just him being a dickhead, getting stressed, and deciding he knows best randomly when hes not even been there for days!!

YANBU. What a bellend. Even if you wanted to do sleep training involving crying you need to discuss it and do it together in an organised and consistent way. He's hoping that he'll do this for a couple of days and then what? You'll go back to getting her to sleep rather than leaving her to cry. This inconsistency will just make things worse.

I bet it's something he's heard from his mates and doesn't really understand. One of DH's friends told us we should just leave our 5 week old to cry it out. I'm glad we both ignored him.

That's disgusting. I can't believe he did that! Your poor baby

Oh gosh your poor baby. What's wrong with that man? Babies cry for goodness sake, she could have been hungry or even in pain, how does he expect a baby that age to "learn"? Knob!

He’d be out on his arse if he was my DH.

Jesus, what a total twat. Sleep training works for some parents, but you both have to have discussed it first and agreed something that isn’t cry it out.

I’d be absolutely fuming. I once stayed at my parents when dd was a similar age and they were trying to get me to ‘sleep train’ he (leave her to cry till she couldn’t cry anymore) and I just upped and left. It’s not fair on a baby to be that hysterical.

I hope you manage to talk to him, I can see why you’re questioning your future though.

I totally agree that he think he can just decide what to do, yet accuses me of trying to make all the decisions. He doesn't understand that if I don't agree with everything he wants to do that we could have an adult discussion not him stropping like a teenager and getting angry.
I wouldn't say he's abusive necessarily but definitely opinionated and thinks his way is the only way. Not this time.

YADNBU. You can't mollycoddle a 7 month old baby. They learn to self sooth by being soothed by their loving care givers. I can't imagine leaving a hysterical baby to cry for an hour. Horrible behaviour and very bad for baby's development.

That is absolutely horrendous, he's an absolute twat. How long would she have cried if you had left him with her for an evening? He can't be trusted to look after his own daughter properly and the way he has treated you this evening is appalling. If my husband behaved this way I would be immediately packing his bags.

Babies have 4 basic needs:

Feed
Change
Sleep
Love

I wouldn't leave any living creature crying for that long and especially not a child, let alone a baby. Babies don't cry for attention or to manipulate, it's how they talk. It's how they communicate their needs.

YADNBU OP. If my DH did this I would be asking him to sleep somewhere else tonight, and I would be very unlikely to feel I could leave him alone with my baby going forward. I wouldn't feel that my DC would be safe.

YANBU

Complete dick. You can’t fucking ‘mollycoddle’ a 7 month old. She’s a baby!!

That's unbelievably awful. 7 months is still very young, teething starts, crawling starts - lots going on in their little brains to mess with their sleep. Even if you wanted to sleep train, this isn't the way. There are much gentler and more effective methods. He needs to do some reading up and then agree a way forward in collaboration with you, not make unilateral decisions.

Thanks for the support everyone. It's helped a lot.
My baby is fine now. I agree I probably need to try a different approach at bedtime but hysterical crying will not be the way.
He's fucking ridiculous he's saying it was only 10 minutes (was absolutely not) Iwill not back down on this even if it means leaving.

That is absolutely horrendous, he's an absolute twat. How long would she have cried if you had left him with her for an evening? He can't be trusted to look after his own daughter properly and the way he has treated you this evening is appalling. If my husband behaved this way I would be immediately packing his bags.

This ^^

He’s not just “being a dick”

He’s actually been abusive and neglectful

He clearly knows FA about babies and their needs. I wouldn’t have let my DH do this mind you. I wouldn’t have let him shout at me and gone away when told to.... do you feel scared of your partner? Unable to disagree/stand up to him and advocate for your baby?