Leaving baby to cry

[remember1]

My 7 month old baby has recently become very difficult to settle to sleep for the night. My OH and I have just had a massive argument and I'd like some perspective to see if AIBU.
My OH had been away for 2 nights with work and got back at 6pm today. I have been on my own with my baby and my older DD(11). I don't mind this as I'm still on mat leave but I'm knackered! He came in and offered to take baby for the evening to let me have a bath, spend time with older DD chill.

However, baby fell asleep for 30 mins then woke up hysterical. She then kept crying for over an hour. I tried to go in and see if I could help but got shouted at and told to go away. I left but after another 45 mins of hysterical crying and coughing I went back and he had her in her cot on her own ignoring her as 'she's got to learn"
She clearly was not tired enough to go back to sleep then and was in no way going to sleep that upset that she's almost being sick ffs.
I've taken her downstairs with me at the moment and he's had a massive strop saying he wishes he hadn't come back and that I'm a dick and I've pissed him off massively by mollycoddling the baby.
I really fucking hate him right now as he's a massive bellend and really wonder if I'm being as bad as he says.

What a dick. My DS was 7 months on Sunday and yes, he is also difficult to settle at the moment but it's because his teeth hurt when he lies down. If he won't sleep we try rubbing his belly for a couple of minutes, burping, feed then if not we bring him back down for cuddles! Does he really want her to "learn" that if she cries, nobody comes?

Absolute prick , he's totally in the wrong

I've always left my baby to cry for nap/night time, but not hysterically for 45mins. Go in every 5mins or so to resettle so she learns hows to go to sleep.

He needs to understand the difference, and you guys need to be on the same page, it sounds like you parent differently

They do go through a sleep regression at around this time?

Lots of cuddles and rocking for your little one. If that's what she's needing. It certainly won't do her any more harm that your DH leaving her to cry that long.

I hope YOU are ok!

I have an almost 7 month old, my husband is an arse but would never do that

My lg needs comforting to sleep (cuddles/milk) no way would at this age id let her cry for longer than a couple of minutes while i got up to get to her

I do "cry it out" but literally for 10 mins max not 45

Wow what an absolute twat, your poor baby and joe heartbreaking that must have been for you both
My little one is 17 months and I still don’t let him cry out.
You know what’s best

*how, not joe

Maybe when he’s calmed down a bit and stopped being such a twat it would be worth explaining gently that babies learn through consistency and routine, which you’re trying to lay down each day. They don’t learn anything but fear by leaving them to cry for that long - especially if you just randomly decide to do it on one day. It isn’t going to teach them anything. I have a baby of a similar age and we are doing Ferber which is working for us but I’ve never left our baby to cry for longer than three minutes without them falling asleep. Also if your baby was crying with hunger, that crying will go on pretty much relentlessly until they are fed! But you know all this. Meh. Him Swanning in with this ‘parenting’ very unhelpful.

Yanbu! How could he just sit in the same room listening to his baby get so distressed?! I also have a 7 month old at the moment and it's been really hard for us to let him self settle but neither I nor dh could leave him to cry for more than a minute or two.

Well baby is finally asleep peacefully.
I'm not speaking to him again tonight and am sleeping with baby in a different room.
Tomorrow there will be some serious discussion around how this will not be repeated ever again or I'm off without a backwards glance. I'm neither scared of him or scared of following through with leaving if I need to.
My MIL is having baby for a few hours tomorrow afternoon as this was already arranged in prep for her looking after LO when I return to work in a few weeks. If I tell her what he did she'd be furious with him but will no doubt go in one ear and out other. He has said in past (about non baby related arguments) that everyone just paints him as the big bad ogre all the time.... eh hello, everyone can't always be wrong!
Once again, thank you for letting me vent and for all the helpful advice.

I never left my baby to cry it out. It was hard going but well worth it. She sleeps like a log now and feels very happy and secure. Your husband is a total bellend!!!

I wouldn't want to be with someone who could sit next to their seven month old crying to the point of hysteria and simply ignore it.

I agree with PP here, you can’t mollycoddle a 7 month old! If they’re crying there is a reason, even if that reason only amounts to reassurance, it’s both parents responsibility to give - not just yours.

I had a similar argument with my MIL when our twins were around that age, she very much believed in the “cry it out” method and boasted that she left DH to cry himself sick and then to sleep when he was four months old and thinks it’s something to be proud of because he “never did it again”.

I just referred her to the plethora of psychological research that has been done on how being left to cry for extended periods of time on a consistent basis, can affect a child’s development quite a fair bit. DH is a living example of this.

OP maybe referring your OH to the same material might help him see reason.

The following is only one example, I’d encourage you to look into it as well, I just googled “should a baby be left to cry”.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out%3Famp

Crying it out is not the same as controlled crying which can work when a child is a bit older, but never for 40 odd minutes!

We went through severe separation anxiety with DS when he was 9 months old and DD when she was 10 months old (they were in NICU for the first 4 months of their life so it was an extreme case as my HV put it) and I barely got more than 2 hours broken sleep for about three months straight. But I never left them to cry it out. Now they are 19mo and generally brilliant sleepers (teething and illnesses of course do affect this).

YANBU - controlled crying can be really damaging to a baby so you did the right thing

The idea that babies can learn from being left to cry is a myth which has been scientifically disproven. Research has proven that a child's brain is not developed enough to self soothe until they are three years old. In my opinion leaving a baby to hysterically cry is unbelievably cruel. He sounds awful.