AIBU to drop all contact with my sister? Or am I being petty?

[stressedandsore]

Hello.

About 4 months ago me and my sister had a disagreement about something small that she did. She's 18 (I'm 26) and very very irresponsible and self centred. Very rude and just generally turned quite nasty.
We haven't spoken properly since.

I had my 2nd baby 3 months ago. She didn't even text me to say congratulations or ask how we were.
Nothing. I was very hurt.

So lately in the past 2 weeks she has turned up at my door a couple of times wanting things... no please or thank you. She askes for what she wants and sort of stares at me until I give it her.

I used to be very close to my sister but she's turned into such a vile person that it just makes me so angry.

AIBU to cut her out? She's just this negative cloud and I feel since I had my 2nd baby whenever I see her I just feel shit for ages after. Yet she's young and I don't know if I'm being too harsh.

YANBU she is old enough to know that she should text to say congratulations & also to realise you are probably busy with new baby. Are your parent not around?

She lives with our mum and Dad and they just make excuses for her all the time.

I love her obviously but I don't like what she's turned into.

Shut the door on her when she asks for things and stands there staring.

She's 18 and still maturing. Reduce contact but please don't cut her out all together. A lot can change quickly at that age.

Why not be more assertive instead. Don't just give her what she wants in demand. Reward good behaviour and ignore bad.

Not minimising your feelings but your approach sounds too black and white, all or nothing.

Good luck.

I think ywbu to cut her off without directly addressing the issues with her first. If she doesn’t change or has no plans to, then yes cool your relationship but she is still very young and is likely to change a lot over the next few years.

YANBU. Just ignore her until and if she becomes a decent human being. And stop giving/lending her things. Why let her make you feel shit.

Shut the fucking door in her arrogant spoiled entitled face.

I wouldn't cut her off. While she should behave better at her age she isn't fully developed and she might grow up and mature. Some late teenagers are still very self absorbed. You can however, politely say no when she turns up demanding things.

I agree with PP's. Shut the door in her face. She'll soon learn she can't treat you like shit and expect you to give her things.

I don’t see the point of cutting contact completely. She’s not done anything unforgivable she’s just a bit of an arsehole.

So don’t invite her round, don’t call her. See her when you see her - at your parents.

I think freshaprilstart has the right idea. Don’t cut her off but equally don’t be a doormat.

Next time she's at your door (or texting etc) tell her you've just had a baby and that common courtesy is to for people to offer a congratulations and some concern for the family's wellbeing, and that until you feel that she cares about you, you won't be giving her anything.
18 is young, but unless she is exceptionally immature for 18, she is old enough to know common courtesy.

Yep. Just because they enable her doesn't mean you have to.

Next time:

'Maybe try that with a please next time' SLAM!

Could you not try talking to her first?

I have tried talking to her, she gets all offended and angry over even the slightest bit of criticism.

I just don't feel I have the energy to deal with her at the moment.

I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old, I wish my mum and Dad would be more firm with her but she walks all over them, they give her hundreds of pounds a month and she treats them like door matts too.

She's completely self obsessed and I just can't pander to it like my family do.

I don't want to cut her off but I just can't be near her at the minute.

So lately in the past 2 weeks she has turned up at my door a couple of times wanting things... no please or thank you. She askes for what she wants and sort of stares at me until I give it her
What about saying 'no' to her?

What is she wanting?

I wouldn't cut contact completely but I'd try to limit contact and have some boundaries.

Some of these responses are appalling. Slam the door in her face. No wonder there are so many friendless and lonely people in dysfunctional familes when shit like those responses are posted.

I think we have the same sister-although mines older-everything revolves around her doesnt ask how people are but drops everythng if a friend wants something-family well theyre there when she needs something

I havent cut her off but i dont initiate alot because its just all about her

Sorry not advice just sympathy

I just don't feel I have the energy to deal with her at the moment.

So don’t. Don’t invite her round, if she pitches up send her home.

just say no.

No, don´t cut her off, but don´t pander to this rudeness either. If she wants something from you, she can ask nicely. If she is rude, she gets nothing. The silly staring you can stop by closing the door, or wandering off. Treat her like you would a little child who hasn't learnt good manners yet.

Also my parents always made excuses have a word with them theyre not helping her at all

At 18 she won't really understand the importance of taking an interest in your baby and congratulating you, so don't take it to heart. But you have every right to say you can't deal with her at the moment. You have much bigger priorities.

Cool off for a bit, but with a view to reconciling when the time is better for you.

She sounds like the Golden Child. Do you get scapegoated? If you do, thats a really unhealthy family dynamic and I doubt you can fix her - it doesn't pay the golden child to team up with the Scapegoat child.

You wont get through to her but you can set boundaries.

Say no and let her carry out whatever implied threat the hard stare means. It cannot be worse than being treated like this.
If she starts up, tell her that you are upset by her behaviour and that demanding things with menaces is not polite or acceptable. You have to be the adult here. Say that until she starts behaving decently towards you - you will not be putting up with tantrums, demands or bullying. If she wants to be your sister again she can behave more politely towards you.
If you can't say this to her face because her tantrums are agressive or scary then text it to her. Tell your parents you are doing this and why and advise them to stand up to her too.
You are not a bad person to refuse to give things to someone who won't even treat you with common courtesy. She has got used to using the cold shoulder or a tantrum with all of you and will continue until you start saying no. She needs to treat you with respect in order to win respect from you.
Having said all that, she is still young, your parents are not helping matters. She can make mistakes but you have to be clear that you expect common courtesy and manners or you won't tolerate it. Don't shout. Just treat her like the 6 year old she appears to be.
This will be very difficult as your parents back her up.. but in the end do you want your children to see you being brow beaten and caving into someone. Or having tantrums and arguments in front of them.
Family life changes when you have children and perhaps she is realising that you are in your own family now, or at 18 her path is not clearly laid out for her anymore and she's worried about that. However, she uses getting angry and offended as a means of controlling the people around her. I also experienced this in the past like this and it is amazing how having your own children to look after clarifies your priorities and when you tell them that you can't do something, they kick off but ultimately your children come first and You don't have to put up with this behaviour. Make it clear the door is open when she's ready to behave, but don't tolerate any more antics. Best of luck.