AIBU to drop all contact with my sister? Or am I being petty?

[stressedandsore]

Hello.

About 4 months ago me and my sister had a disagreement about something small that she did. She's 18 (I'm 26) and very very irresponsible and self centred. Very rude and just generally turned quite nasty.
We haven't spoken properly since.

I had my 2nd baby 3 months ago. She didn't even text me to say congratulations or ask how we were.
Nothing. I was very hurt.

So lately in the past 2 weeks she has turned up at my door a couple of times wanting things... no please or thank you. She askes for what she wants and sort of stares at me until I give it her.

I used to be very close to my sister but she's turned into such a vile person that it just makes me so angry.

AIBU to cut her out? She's just this negative cloud and I feel since I had my 2nd baby whenever I see her I just feel shit for ages after. Yet she's young and I don't know if I'm being too harsh.

It's a difficult decision to make because its hard to sever ties with a family member that used to be so close...but people change and it sounds like your sister has become someone who you could do without. If this is the case...cut her off. There is no harm in it if you believe that life would be better off for you without her being part of it. I think its just a taboo subject because 'families stick together' but people can make themselves miserable just to maintain relationships with family members when they really don't need to :-) Good luck and I hope what ever decision you make brings you peace and enables you to live a happier life.

So, when you have tried to talk to her how have you phrased it? What exactly have you said?

Because if you've gone in calling her all the names you have here I can see why she would be defensive instead of receptive. You do play a part in this dynamic too.

The way you're talking about her (and your parents, actually) is pretty unpleasant.

What triggered the change in her behaviour? What was the small thing that prompted the disagreement?

Dont cut her out she is still learning about life and how to interact as a grown up. She can only learn from you, I know I learnt how to be a grown up from my big sister. She probably came to get things from you as an excuse to see if you would start talking

If I behaved like that toward my parents or siblings at that age I got a belt around the ear, end of (I don’t condone it but that’s how it was then!). I soon learnt courtesy and manners! Your parents are responsible for enabling her but you don’t have to accept it. Don’t make excuses for her age, she’s 18 for crissakes, not 8! Don’t get into debates, just be firm, set boundaries and stand by them! The rest is up to her. I don’t see much of my sister for this reason. She’s the youngest, the favourite and the spoilt one. We’ll be getting on fine, having a nice time, then she’ll go off on a selfish rant! So I just withdraw from her. I don’t have time for histrionics either OP so I get you!

You don’t need to cut her off, just to say no without further concerns.

Yes, she will get nasty and annoying but then, it is not your responsibility to sort her, make her a better person or provide for her. If she is unhappy, she eventually will take her demands to another door.

Is she on drugs?

I only mention that because the personality change.

I would investigate more closely as to why she is being this way. I wouldn’t be quick to judge.
She may not be able to communicate what has happened, but it is at least worth finding out before reducing contact.

stressedandsore

It sounds to me like she has been babied by everyone in the family (including you) and she is jealous of you and your children and trying to get some control back over you as that is what she has been brought up to expect. (everyone running around after her)

Yes its childish,
Yes she needs to grow up
But in this case you have grown out of the dynamic and your parents are still enabling it.

I don't know.

I'm a very different person now to how I was when I was 18. I said and did things I'd never ever ever do now.

That doesn't mean you have to tolerate her now. But maybe don't cut her off with no way back in the future?

What kind of things does she call looking for? You just have to say no and keep saying no. You don't give in to her. Somebody needs to start standing up to her. Do you really want her to be a role model to your kids, have them thinking they can get what they want when they want? You can't tell your parents how to parent her but you certainly can set boundaries of your own where she's concerned.

I think YABU to cut her off. She’s only 18 and still maturing. She may be feeling left out of your life as you focus on your children. So she’s gone from your baby sister to nothing. Young people act out in different ways, you’re the adult here so give her some slack. Keep your door open but be firm. Never give up on your family, you’ll teach your kids the same.

I work with someone who sounds like a grown up version of your sister. We feel like we're trying to get her to realise things she probably should have learned as a teenager.

For your sisters good, please don't tolerate this nonsense. Be kind but very clear and firm about the boundaries and you'll be doing her an enormous favour.

Better having words with her. Be truthful about how you feel and generally tell her you don't like the person she has become then shut the door in her face if it comes to it. Don't let her walk over you, you have enough on your plate.

I cut off my ds around 5yrs ago over some similar behaviour. Seems small in isolation but it came after yrs of trying to have a decent relationship even if she generally isn't a nice person.

It came to a head when I spoke up about being taking advantage of by her, she escalated it into trying to tear me to shreds in which I kept my dignity. All that she had left to say was fuck off in the end. Which I did quite happily.

It might not come to that as your ds is young and may come to her senses but if everyone bows to her whims then it's not likely in the longterm.

She treats her own parents like shit so not sure why people think she would treat OP any better.

When she comes to the door asking for something- why do you give it to her?? I don’t understand.

@SnowyAlpsandPeaks because she usually wants my spare keys to our parents because she always looses hers.

I think i just need to distance myself from her and maybe not go to my mums while she's there.

I don't want to give her my head space at the moment I just want to concentrate on my own family and adjusting with the new baby.

Crazy situation having a stroppy teen consistently turning up and demanding keys at her age. Its worth telling your parents to get a key box ( they are as cheap as £6) geting another set cut and putting the spare keys in there. Or Buy and get DH to install if they don't. One less problem on the list.
She might even clock that you have dealt with this problem - like an adult and now no longer needs to demand keys from you.(I'd even tell her your keys have been surrendered for the key box so no point asking you anymore)
She sounds disorganised (as I was at that age) and things spiral out of control when you are disorganised, causing a knock on effect of other problems which can then make her snappish and moody. But it will keep happening unless something is done.
Its not really your job but to reduce the strain on you, you could try talking to your parents about helping her to become more organised. Good luck.