To ask you to help me decide whether to have a second child?

[WhereStarsGoBlue]

The decision has sort of been made as I got my coil out this week but...

I'm 33 and my DS is 4.3. Husband 37. We wouldn't have waiting this long to have another child but life got in the way - we moved country etc.

Our situation is now that for the first time we own our own home - just a wee 3 bed terrace - and have enough money though my husband's job is freelance so precarious. I don't earn great money but have just been promoted and we're ok.

Our DS is lovely but I'm feeling quite wobbly about having such a large age gap. Will they have anything in common when one is 5 and one is a baby? Will we be able to do things a family?

And I worry about going back to the beginning when things are so settled and lovely now. DS is flourishing, we all get enough sleep, holidays are easy. The thought of going back to the start exhausts me.

But I never pictured having DS as an only and we both come from big families. I just wish we'd had another child sooner.

I sort of have no gut instinct here! DH v keen on number 2. He was a SAHD to DS while I worked full time and I don't want to do that again, I felt like I'd missed a lot.

well, there is only one question to be answered: Do you want another DC?

reading between the lines, I dont think so. Many families stick to one DC. nothing wrong with it.

Just get going and stop procrastinating

I do in the sense that I love being a parent to my DS and can imagine the moony newborn stage again. Also always wanted 2. But I feel we may have left it too late and now I'm more ambivalent.

I don't think 4 years is a big age gap? There are 4 years between my sister and I, and at school it was the same - lots of people in my year had siblings in my sister's year.

It will be 5 years - at least - he is 4 years and 3 months old now.

I was in a similar quandry and in the end went for it. If it's something that a part of you truly wants then I don't think it's a thing you can possibly ever regret. Yes it's more tiring (not as much as the first) but you get to make a whole other person and have adventures with them. Whilst the first few years are tough, they are also hilarious and cute and worth it. That's my tuppence anyway!

I would say go for it. Family is everything and its nice for your ds to have someone as an adult. The 5 year gap will be small. That is, if they are friends! Some people don't talk to their siblings as adults. But I think its how you are raised. My friend comes from a family where everyone is close, so her siblings are all close. I am close with mine as well. But my father didn't talk to his brothers much as adults.

5 years between mine, works perfect. When ds1 was going on expensive school trips to Greece etc, ds2 was cheaper PGL. Now ds2 is going to America, ds1 is in university.
Ds1 spoils ds2, buying him Xbox games, things for his pc etc, nights out to the cinema, will order them pizza for a night in.
I’m really happy with their age gap

My DS is 3.4 and for me it's too late to go back to the baby stage as I have got used to sleep. However I know plenty of people with big age gaps and they are perfectly happy

Haven’t you got a problem here that you have the best job situation but you don’t want dh to be a sahd again as that’s exactly where you are headed?

Not everything is about childhood - we’re only children for a small portion of our lives. So the age gap won’t matter when they’re older than about 18 anyway. My sister is nearly 6 years older than me, and 9 years older than our brother, age gap doesn’t matter now we’re adults.

Had my 2nd when DS was 5. We were unsure about no.2 but I’m so happy we did! It’s turned out to be a lovely gap - big bro dotes on baby and I’ve been able to be around for older boy starting school which has been great. Someone said to be that it’s with your first that life really changes, no.2 slots into an already child focussed family routine. Yes it’s hard going back to sleepless nights - but it’s manageable. Everything feels easier this time and you have a routine around DS1’s one day. So you’ll always be out of house for schools runs etc and that’s been good for always having people to chat to etc (less pressure for baby groups etc). I see more and more people with a slightly larger than ‘traditional’ gap.

It's not a huge age gap by any means. However the main point is, do you really want another child? There's nothing wrong with not wanting one but only you can make the decision, input from others just muddles your thought process.

I wouldn't worry about the 5 year gap atall! Perfectly normal and very common, have loads of friends with the same gap..my brother and I have 5 years between us and we played all the time. As adults we are close and even work for the same company!

My DD is 1 and she has the most fun with my friends who have 6 year olds. I have friends with younger kids but they don't play as nicely with her. The younger ones don't understand why she won't share for instance, or they just throw her toys around the room (or at her head!!) so the age gap you would have may work better than you think

Yes, the job thing is an issue - however my DH works part time. Either he ups his hours and I work part time too. I'd be happy with that and I believe my workplace would be too.

I think if you’re on the fence the answer is no. If you really wanted another child you wouldn’t need to ask. Having a child is hard work and disruptive and will be a shock to your first. Of course it’s wonderful etc etc but not if you aren’t completely sure of the whole idea!

Do you have a good support network? I know a few families with gaps and they say it helps to have a someone like a grandparent step in so they can do some separate age appropriate activities some of the time rather than always having to drag one along.

Beyond that it's hard to predict which siblings will be close anyway.

I think you really need to want a second but I already know I don't and mine is 7 months! So slightly skewed perspective. If I were to have another though it's a good age gap in that you aren't doing 24 hours with a toddler and newborn - one is at school.

Isn’t too late . That’s a lovely age gap .. I have 3.5 years between my two but 5 would have been better I think

Pros: the bond between them and watching them interact.

Cons : more than twice as hard 😂 but so worth it :)

My brother is 5 years older and we really dislike each other but others have siblings who they get on with, there’s no telling really. I have just the one, I wanted more but it never happened. I like that I can give 100% of my time/money/energy my son gets to do a lot of things he wouldn’t be able to with a sibling.
I think if you’re not 100% sure then don’t, there’s no reason why you won’t ever have one but if you have a difficult pregnancy or lose your job or a million other reasons you might really resent the baby and wish for things to be like they are now iyswim

Mine are 6 years apart... he was thrilled to have a baby brother!

I don’t think the gap is an issue, but I agree you ought to have that drive - i am an indeterminate sort but I really wanted dc2. If you have figured out the work options, then is the house an issue? We had a small 3 bed and we were climbing the walls by the time dc2 was 2.

Having dc is hard - having one is simpler, id hate to talk anyone into it just because I can’t imagine life without either of mine post facto.

I'm quite an anxious person who generally struggles to make decisions so my lack of certainty is nothing new - I'm not certain about anything. I vacillate between thinking, "of course, it'll be amazing, the whole shebang, meeting that new person, watching them grow up and giving my DS a sibling" and "oh fuck but it means going back to not sleeping and nappies and weaning".

I have family but not grandparents - one lives overseas and the other has health issues so can't do much with my DS (he does love her a lot).