AIBU to find this even more annoying than performance parenting

[Ifigotherewillbedouble]

I’m in a waiting room at the local hospital and there are 2 adults with additional needs with their carers - one of the carers is talking very loudly, infantilising the lady she is caring for. Examples - ‘if you behave (yes that’s the word she used) yourself you can get a subway’ This carer is speaking so loudly, making sure we can all hear. Saying things like, ‘Yes that’s your favourite isn’t it?’ so we all know how well she knows this lady and what a good carer she is.

I might be hyper sensitive to this as my oldest child had additional needs and I HATED the loud way some people would speak to him - one memory is of an older lady (mid 70s at least, very wrinkled) who approached my very handsome 14 year old boy with, ‘Oh here’s my boyfriend’. My poor boy was mortified but delighted when I replied on his behalf, ‘Ooft join the queue - this boy of mine has suitors queuing round the block.’ My view was well ok this lady ‘meant well’ but my priority was my son, and think how any 14 year old boy would feel if this happened to them - and I stand by that.

So AIBU to be even more annoyed at this ‘Performance Carer’ than the usual Performance Parent?

YANBU. My SIL has additional needs and the way that I've seen some people at their church talk to her is terrible. They think they are being kind, but really they are over compensating for their uncomfortableness. She is small in stature so people assume they need to speak like she is a small child

Yanbu I think so many carers think putting on a nice voice will allow them get away with anything. I hate when people are in that job that aren't suited to it, the poor people they have to care for must be fed up!

YANBU.
She's putting on a show acting all important and 'in charge'. She sounds very immature and she needs to do further training by the sound of it. Very disrespectful.
I'd be tempted to find out where she worked and report her. I once reported a colleague who did this out in public and said something personal to a man with learning disabilities and terribly embarrassed him.

I absolutely agree with you and have seen examples of this myself. It often makes me suspicious that they are perhaps not the most caring person on the planet after all.

Oh dear YA most definitely NBU!! My ASC DS (11) gets this off my parents and it drives me mad. My DM is the worst and when I used to take her with us on the occasional trip out, she would always talk loudly when there were people within earshot, then try to catch their eye so she could explain about his condition … totally unnecessary and bloody annoying. It's almost like she felt it made HER special, as if strangers would think, 'what a lovely woman, bothering with that poor SEN boy … ' Ironically she doesn't really bother with him much at all, only in public, and if you spoke to one of her friends: you'd think she was a saint. When my DS is older and we need more help, if I ever come across a carer like the ones you mention, there's no way in hell I'll allow them to help with my boy. More concerned with how they appear than the actual feelings /wellbeing of the person they are supposedly caring for.

I think it either goes one way or the other the performance caring or just ignoring the people they are caring for. I see a lot of carers completely ignoring the people they are caring for and it breaks my heart. I would be suspicious of the over acting, makes me think they are just putting on a show for the world but behind osed doors it's a different story.

You're not being unreasonable. The carer is being indiscreet at the very lease and she sounds dire.

YANBU

The sad fact is that it's a low paid job and it's very difficult to recruit enough and top staff.

I don't know what the solution is unfortunately.

Interesting point about the infantilisation, too. We have family friends where the daughter has additional needs. She is now 46. Her mother (and father when he was alive) have always treated her like she was different, dressed her like a granny etc. The mother is in hospital with a mental health condition and my mum says that the daughter has come into her own. She is copying very well and understands how much money she has and what she needs to buy etc. And yet all her life she has been treated like a 4 year old.

Perhaps if she had been treated as if she were "normal" from day one, she would have thrived earlier.

Not very "caring" to use a Subway as a reward for good behaviour, either. Yuck.

COPING not copying.

OP, YANBU

But fairweathercyclist, this sentence in your post.....Perhaps if she had been treated as if she were "normal" from day one, she would have thrived earlier. makes me want to grind my teeth to dust.

In a customer serving position I was once told, loudly, by a carer 'Oh please don't keep serving her, she needs to lose weight and doesn't know what she's doing. Do you dear?'

The customer used to come in every week, she was an older lady with Downs, early 40s probably. She was always careful what she ordered and after the carer incident she used to go check that the wretched woman was nowhere near before she came in! It was horrible and embarrassing for her and totally unnecessary.

I totally agree, telling them to behave as well is disgusting. But unfortunately they are paid peanuts, that's why (sometimes) you get monkeys unfortunately 😢

I think you might BU, but it depends on the carer. It's wrong to assume there might be abuse going on "behind closed doors" as PP have suggested. Maybe a lack of physical response or "normal" reaction by the client can lead to overcompensation on the part of the carer, who wonders if they are really "getting through". I think this is understandable in people who have limited experience of special needs, but less so in a professional carer, who you would hope would receive training about these things (although sadly they seemingly don't).

I recently read "Eye Can Write" by Jonathan Bryan - a young lad with severe cerebral palsy, and an amazing mind. He talks about the special voice that people put on, and it annoys him too. It's a fabulous insight into the way a person in need of full time care experiences the world. Uplifting and heartbreaking in equal measure.

I was in Lidl a while ago and witnessed a carer (she appeared to be in charge, with a large bunch of keys on a lanyard) with a small group of learning disabled adults. She was loudly telling the cashier that one of these people was having diet coke "because the doctor said she's heading for diabetes". I'm afraid I asked the carer if she felt it was professionally appropriate to discuss clients' confidential medical info in public. She got huffy with me and said it was fine because "they don't really understand."

fairweathercyclist
Would a Waitrose wholegrain quinoa and goats cheese sandwich have been more acceptable?
Casual snobbery much?
Wtf is wrong with Subway? It's probably the poor soul's favourite!

YANBU. My grandmother is in a care home with Alzheimer's and the owner of the home does this all the time. I can see how frustrated my grandma is with this woman up in her face telling her how they're like "naughty school girls" and I just wish she had the people skills to respect her personal space, read her facial expressions and let her spend time with her family in peace

YANBU about infantalising but I don’t understand your point in your anecdote about your ds.

one memory is of an older lady (mid 70s at least, very wrinkled) who approached my very handsome 14 year old boy with, ‘Oh here’s my boyfriend’. My poor boy was mortified but delighted when I replied on his behalf, ‘Ooft join the queue - this boy of mine has suitors queuing round the block.’ My view was well ok this lady ‘meant well’ but my priority was my son, and think how any 14 year old boy would feel if this happened to them - and I stand by that.

Huh?

Yabu, you don’t know these people or their abilities, what is inappropriate and offensive for your ds may be appropriate for someone with different abilities/ issues. (E.g. How do you know the person being cared for doesn’t have a hearing problem and the volume is required to communicate with them?)

What’s offensive is the assumptions about your ds, yet you’re making all kinds of assumptions about these people you don’t know.

Yes, it’s possible the carer is a patronising jerk, it’s also possible they are good at their job and know the person for whom they’re caring a whole lot better than you do.

Yes, l don’t understand your example either.
I didn’t like the ageist bit though.

Right on @NameChange92

Maybe the loud voice was to involve others in the conversation and socialise?

Op- How do you know the person they were with was their Care Worker and not a Carer or friend?

YANBU As another poster has said, this happens a lot with Alzheimer patients. I work in medical practices and I cringe when people who bring Alzheimer relatives/friends along for an appointment sometimes do this or, just as bad in my view, are embarrassed by things their Alzheimer relative does/says. They may be confused, forgetful or repetitive but they are often not so out of it that they don't notice their daughter/son/companion is embarrassed by them. I always want to say, "Your parent has a miserable disease, they are not embarrassing and it is not their fault".

Carers are paid minimum wage, treated like shit and given virtually no training. It’s no wonder that, despite them mostly being well-intentioned, many of them don’t know what they’re doing.

Casual snobbery much?
Wtf is wrong with Subway?

they taste disgusting, that's what wrong with them. It's not snobbery to state fact, I had a Big Mac for lunch - and I don't get offended if other people think they taste awful.

I used to work in elderly care, and I'd say the majority were working in the care industry purely because they couldn't get a job doing anything else. I've never been so upset by a complete lack of human decency and compassion. I reported several for their "performance" caring in front of hospital staff and relatives.

Pushed me out of the job in the end.