AIBU to find this even more annoying than performance parenting

[Ifigotherewillbedouble]

I’m in a waiting room at the local hospital and there are 2 adults with additional needs with their carers - one of the carers is talking very loudly, infantilising the lady she is caring for. Examples - ‘if you behave (yes that’s the word she used) yourself you can get a subway’ This carer is speaking so loudly, making sure we can all hear. Saying things like, ‘Yes that’s your favourite isn’t it?’ so we all know how well she knows this lady and what a good carer she is.

I might be hyper sensitive to this as my oldest child had additional needs and I HATED the loud way some people would speak to him - one memory is of an older lady (mid 70s at least, very wrinkled) who approached my very handsome 14 year old boy with, ‘Oh here’s my boyfriend’. My poor boy was mortified but delighted when I replied on his behalf, ‘Ooft join the queue - this boy of mine has suitors queuing round the block.’ My view was well ok this lady ‘meant well’ but my priority was my son, and think how any 14 year old boy would feel if this happened to them - and I stand by that.

So AIBU to be even more annoyed at this ‘Performance Carer’ than the usual Performance Parent?

I've never heard the expression performance carer but its patronising and stereotypical.

No one has put all the carers in the same basket, of course it's a negative term, that's the whole point of the thread.

It's not just carers.
My mother had dementia, and I really disliked the way so many professionals inc. nurses would talk about her over her head, as if she wasn't there. Until she was later stage my mother really hated it, too.
Not to mention referring to her (to me) as 'Mum'. Not even your mum, or your mother, let alone her name.
So bloody rude and patronising, but so many of them do it.

You're hyper sensitive but call someone 'very wrinkled' and slip in some casual ageism . . . the snapshot you witnessed gives you no understanding of their relationship but you've given quite a clear view of your own values.

The worst and caring I have seen was two male carers having a loud conversation about their social lives involving swearing, whilst pushing a young woman who in a wheelchair who was clearly not involved in that conversation.

The carer was wearing a uniform and was there with a much quieter colleague wearing the same uniform. My son had carers at his school, and it was definitely the case there were very very good carers as well as the opposite. My point today was the way this worker was treating the lady she was with - speaking to her as if she was a child and showing no discretion, rather speaking very loudly in a small waiting area knowing that she would be heard. She was telling the other carer, we like to do this, we like to do that - there was a sense of showing off to me, which is why I said ‘Performance Caring’ (I’ve never heard the term either but I know mumsnet talks about Performance Parenting and I could see the similarities)

I am sorry for the way I described the lady who called my gorgeous 14 year old son her boyfriend - my emphasis was on her looks because I know if she had been early 20s and stunning my son wouldn’t have minded that kind of attention. However to be shrieked at across the room by a much older and aged lady JUST BECAUSE he was in a wheelchair (my son had cerebral palsy) was apparently acceptable in her book, and it was as if she was doing him a favour. I used this one example because this lady was also making a performance of talking to the disabled person, look how kind I am taking the time etc. I hope that makes sense now.

As to the PP who said with my insight I should work as a carer myself - I was my son’s carer for several years, then worked as a Child Protection worker. I’ve also worked with foster carers and before I qualified I was a support worker, working with adults with mental health difficulties. I was very discrete, even when I was with the young man who was profoundly deaf - no need to shout or gesture, people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

I agree we have a responsibility to call out this kind of behaviour - and I admire the PPs who have done this. I know if my son was out and about and was being spoken to like this I would want someone to step in. Today was a difficult day so having a rant to you guys was as much as I could muster. I’m actually heartened to know so many of you feel the same way / but agree I was BU to describe the older lady the way I did.