My colleague is starting to creep me out

[MintChocolateCookie]

About a year ago, I began working at this start-up. I quickly became pretty close friends with this colleague of mine due to us being from the same uni, us going to the same gym, us having adjacent desks, us being put on all the same projects etc.

I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive because of past experiences, but here are several things he has done over the last month or so that is slowly starting to creep me out:

1. Once, he passed me his external hard drive to give me some design ideas for work (the whole thing was an unlabelled mess so I wasn't deliberately snooping) and there were entire files full of screenshots from people (fellow colleagues included) of private things they have said to him

1. He boasted of having posted a friends' phone number and pictures on sleazy sites because she apparently betrayed him

1. During my off days, he's shows up at this coffeeshop across the street from my house that he knows I frequent (he lives more than an hour away)

I've been trying to distance myself from him but it's hard because we work together and also because I'm paranoid that he's going to take it badly and take it upon himself to exact revenge on me.

I also hate to mention this because it shouldn't be relevant or even a point of consideration but in the interest of full disclosure, he knows that I've got a girlfriend and am 100% not interested in men so it's not like I've been "leading him on".

AIBU? Or am I just overly sensitive and should get over myself?

He sounds like a proper wrong 'un. Is there anyone at work you could raise your concerns with?

1&2 don't sit well with me, but 3 is real concern. Is there any other reason for him to be in the area? Specific shops around there or something? Is it close to your gym?

Trust your instincts, he sounds really creepy.

I don't think you are being oversensitive at all. Just try to distance yourself from him. If it's at work a quick "I can't talk now, I'm really busy" will do. And remember you don't owe him (or anyone else) politeness or conversation.

There's probably not much you can do about the coffee shop but note down dates and times so that if he does escalate, you have a record. Don't be afraid to call the non-emergency line to report things either. It all creates a trail.

Hopefully by distancing yourself he'll lose interest and it won't be a problem.

Bezalelle It's a very small, somewhat informal company and most of them go way back (I'm the newest employee) so not really, no.

theemmadilemma I'm afraid of sounding paranoid but I don't think it's somewhere that someone will just happen to be. No special shops or restaurants (the coffeeshop has fantastic coffee but nothing life changing), and our gym is right by the office so nowhere near that as well. Of course, he might have friends or relatives living nearby but that seems a bit too coincidental imo. Who knows.

I always say trust your instincts and the older I’ve got the more evidence I have gathered over the years to support this. But this is more than just a gut feeling, you have very valid reasons to not want to be friends with this man. Can you change your gym? Inconvenient I know but could be a way of continuing to distance yourself from him. Have you shared all of this with someone else in your real life?

I can see why you're creeped out - number 3 strikes me as borderline stalking tbh - particularly as he lives so far away. Can you gradually change your habits so you don't have to spend so much time with him? I think I'd start looking for a new gym, for starters. Also, do you have a boss you can confide in and ask if you can move desks? You could mention the stuff on his hard drive as reason for that.

Call him out on it - 'why are you at a coffee shop across from my house when you live an hour away? Are you stalking me? Do I need to speak to the police about you, particularly as I know that you post peoples' details online and save details of peoples' private lives?' Be bloody obvious about it. Put barriers up, share nothing with him, and definitely tell people in real life (and make it clear to him that you've done so). He sounds like a complete bastard.

he knows that I've got a girlfriend and am 100% not interested in men so it's not like I've been "leading him on".

You might have said that to him, whether he believes it is another thing.

Are your off days on weekdays? Can you ask to be rostered so that they don't coincide with his off days?

Trust your instincts. He sounds like a total weirdo.

Since you’re the new person and understandably cautious about making a complaint can you try and raise it in a friendly way? When he’s in a group of other colleagues on a break just casually join the chat and say ‘oh I forgot to ask, what brought you to my neck of the woods on Xday?’ And then as an aside to the others, ‘I bumped into Creep in the coffee shop across the road from me, they do good coffee.’ See how he responds. If he gets defensive remember you’re just asking and being friendly! Even if he comes up with a reasonable explanation it would have been raised in people’s minds in case it gets worse.

Have you read the book The Gift of Fear

Trust your instincts.

@MintChocolateCookie I just pinged you a PM about a really knowledgeable FB group to post about tech coworker issues.

Also, you're not crazy. This guy is getting way too close. Ensure your passwords are really secure and try to get a different desk away from him.

You’re right to be concerned. It’s definitely not paranoia. I think you need to speak to your employer.

That's creepy! The coffee shop episodes in particular would worry me. Surely, if he had relatives in the area, he'd be the first to offer that as an explanation of sorts (fancy that, my granny/uncle/goldfish sitter lives just around the corner!), because most 'normal' people do absolutely realise it looks odd and slightly stalkerish otherwise.

I'd go all grey rock on him, limit any written communications with him to strictly business-related matters, start changing up your gym routine and see if you change desk.

he sounds creepy OP defonatly try what PeoplesFrontOfJudith has suggested

Can you change your gym? Inconvenient I know but could be a way of continuing to distance yourself from him. Have you shared all of this with someone else in your real life?

Past two weeks especially I've stopped going to the gym in the mornings and have joined one of those "girly classes" (not my words) that he's most likely not going to sign up for so haven't seen him there since. For now.

My brother and girlfriend know all about him and DB who works from home ~5 mins walk away have told me to call if he's acting suspicious anywhere near my place.

Oh my! This is definitely creepy. Can you talk to anyone at work like your manager or HR? They might be able to help separate you from eachother and it would be good to have a record of your concern before anything escalates.

As an aside, bloody hell there's a facebook group for tech type co-worker issues?!! @JahMingsBucket

Trust your instincts. ...

Whoever said up thread ....he may hear you're gay...but he may not believe it...

People who are capable of stalking believe the most barking stuff....

I would definitely change gym/avoid coffee shop....also these things tribe on secrecy. ....I think mentioning it in front of others cadually is a good idea....if it's innocent it will be easy for him to defend himself...

I happened to be very close in a pub within a 100 metres of my old bosses house. ...I had no idea...I wasn't stalkin him. ..however it was exactly halfway between ajnold school pal and my house...hence we agreed to meet there. ...a good hour from my home

PS does your company have an HR. ..I would confide in them your worries and tell them you'll update as stuff progresses.

I hope you're wrong

He does sound like the entitled/vengeful type.
I'd engage with him over work stuff but then be completely indifferent the rest of the time. Neither icy nor friendly.
Could you mention casually that you're moving in or with your gf soon he can overhear and then knock the hanging around near your home on the head?

Be as boring and uninteresting as possible around him ( grey rock ) share your concerns with another member of staff that you trust. Keep a note of each situation that creeps you out with date and time. Trust your instincts !

He sounds like a creep, acts like a creep, he's a creep.
Be very careful around him. I don't want to scare you but the problem with these people is that most of what they act upon is what plays in their head and it can be a complete fantasy world where you play a role that has little to do with what you are or what is happening real life.
You could ask your colleagues about whether anything like that happened to them or if they spotted anything funny in connection with him. It's also your way of making sure they are aware that something unusual is happening. And make sure you're not with him on your own. Try only have conversation with him when there's someone else around.