My colleague is starting to creep me out

[MintChocolateCookie]

About a year ago, I began working at this start-up. I quickly became pretty close friends with this colleague of mine due to us being from the same uni, us going to the same gym, us having adjacent desks, us being put on all the same projects etc.

I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive because of past experiences, but here are several things he has done over the last month or so that is slowly starting to creep me out:

1. Once, he passed me his external hard drive to give me some design ideas for work (the whole thing was an unlabelled mess so I wasn't deliberately snooping) and there were entire files full of screenshots from people (fellow colleagues included) of private things they have said to him

1. He boasted of having posted a friends' phone number and pictures on sleazy sites because she apparently betrayed him

1. During my off days, he's shows up at this coffeeshop across the street from my house that he knows I frequent (he lives more than an hour away)

I've been trying to distance myself from him but it's hard because we work together and also because I'm paranoid that he's going to take it badly and take it upon himself to exact revenge on me.

I also hate to mention this because it shouldn't be relevant or even a point of consideration but in the interest of full disclosure, he knows that I've got a girlfriend and am 100% not interested in men so it's not like I've been "leading him on".

AIBU? Or am I just overly sensitive and should get over myself?

Echo what others have said.

Keep a diary of behaviours.
Be polite but distant and don’t share personal information.
Try and change your routine where possible. Days off, gym visits etc.

there's a facebook group for tech type co-worker issues?!!

Yes, this!

But anyway - My work instant messenger logs all my chats - but they are all neatly filed in a single directory. Screenshots rather than automatic logging sounds a bit different, though.

Did you attach the hard drive to your own PC? I wonder if that would have installed any dodgy logging software, if your systems aren’t well-protected internally.

The phone number and sleazy pics would concern me, because it suggests he might do the same to you, if you offended him in some way.

And the coffee shop - well, it's possible he's got a mate in the area, so there's a good explanation - but that seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it, particularly alongside the other stuff.

Have you spoken to other colleagues? If people are weird and creepy, it usually gets known about. Not quite sure how you just casually bring it up, though.

I think I would mention it to HR, too, but it's difficult - there's not necessarily anything definite, so you probably can't do more than say you're not comfortable and to ask for advice on how to handle it. It could be there have been previous complaints which you wouldn't know about. I suspect your senses are right, but it may be difficult for anything to be done without more than that, and no one wants anything more to happen.

Good luck...

I'd be surprised if your colleagues are surprised to hear these things tbh. People like this usually have form of some sort or another.

A colleague of mine keeps a little red diary of things people say to him, and work he has had to complete (like we're not all pulling our weight!) . He goes to sit in his car at lunchtime to fill it in. He also has imagined conversations with himself where he can be talking along with everyone just fine and as he's walking away, start to call us all fucking wankers and twats under his breath. I've heard him ripping us apart (to himself) in the brew room. It's unnerving. I sympathise.

I would try and distance myself from him the best I could and is there a manager you could raise your concerns with and also tell them about the hard drive? And details on there about other colleagues, sounds as he does that to 'cover himself' incase anybody makes a complaint about the creep/him.

Nutter. A 24K nutter. Run. Get another job!

2. He boasted of having posted a friends' phone number and pictures on sleazy sites because she apparently betrayed him

I wouldn't be surprised he told you this as a warning, knowing he wants more from you and to keep you compliant.

Yeah all this behaviour would be raising red flags with me. I think PPs have the right idea and you’ve been offered some really sound advice.

I would definitely start logging each incident, not only can you see if it escalates you may also be able to see a pattern of behaviour which may be useful.

I hope it’s sorted for you soon. It’s good your DB is so close.

I had a feeling the gym would be close to work.

So, not wanting to increase your worry, it's possible he followed you home, or did he already know what area you lived in?

Be as boring and uninteresting as possible around him ( grey rock )

This is definitely the plan!

does your company have an HR. ..I would confide in them your worries and tell them you'll update as stuff progresses.

Yes, but I'm extremely hesitant to do so because

1. I don't have any concrete evidence

1. I'm the only woman on my team and half of them were schoolmates/are friends with the founders so if he denies it I'm sure everyone will just think I'm making things up

1. I feel like I'm never going to get promoted in this place anyway and am thus in the process of scouting for positions elsewhere. A part of me hopes that I'll be out of here in maybe a few months, we'll drift apart, and I won't have to be paranoid of any possible retaliation if I "exposed" him at work

So, not wanting to increase your worry, it's possible he followed you home, or did he already know what area you lived in?

He knew roughly where I lived beforehand.

@theemmadilemma that made me shudder.

I think these things thrive on secrecy. Call him out in it and expose him. Tell him, when others are around you saw him in place x and ask what are you doing there? Perfectly normal friendly conversation and if he wasnt weird you would ha e simply asked by now.

It’s unfair, but I would move jobs asap.

Yes understood OP re the speaking to HR...
As you say, if he is disordered as you suspect ...he may up the ante if he realises you've reported him within the company...

Don't forget there's always the police. ..not necessarily for reporting as yet,but ti get advice. ...

There is also this charity that would be well worth talking to for advice
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/stalking/

Good to hear you're looking elsewhere for work...sounds as if yiu need to prioritise this!

Wish you luck.

Oh dear, run. Point two was a threat you know, 'this is what it do to people who 'betray' me'. If I were you i'd be looking to change jobs and when the time comes, don't tell him about it or where you are going, just go.

This may sound paranoid, but I would remain hypervigilant, esp. when leaving and entering my home. Carrying a pepper spray in your bag might give you a feeling of confidence. I did in my 20s for a bit.

It's good your DB and GF both know your concerns and his identity.

I would move him into the grey rock zone
I would also be keeping a careful log of everything he does