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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not be picking up DC

47 replies

namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:00

Ex and I split and he has DS a couple of nights a week. Lives 45 minutes away by bus- neither of us drive.
He usually collects DS from nursery. Then I'm expected to pick him up at teatime the next day from his. I don't feel comfortable going to his house as he's been aggressive to me, he doesn't pay maintenance or even rent, I'm short for money at the minute and I'm the one who pays nursery (and everything else) etc. I feel like I shouldn't have to go to his door to get DS on such a long bus ride back and forth at teatime and spend £40+ a month on buses when I'm the one who feeds and clothes DS and pays bills.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blushmelikeyou · 05/06/2019 11:00

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

Original poster
namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:01

@blushmelikeyou doesn't work, or works sporadically. was doing a degree, not sure what he's doing now.

OP posts:
FleetwoodStorms · 05/06/2019 11:04

Of course YANBU.

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

FleetwoodStorms · 05/06/2019 11:04

Sorry xpost!

Original poster
namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:06

@FleetwoodStorms as above! Smile

I get accused of trying to make things 'difficult' so don't know how I'd even say it without the drama or petty comments from him.

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 05/06/2019 11:11

Ugh this could be me writing this. My ExH of 8 years has paid around #£1000 total maintenance in 8 years due to sporadic working, or casual cash-in-hand employment that I can't track or prove. So, I know the headache that it is!

Anyways, for years I travelled a 90 min round trip 2 x per weekend to drop-off and pick-up the kids from his far away house, that he chose to move to. I thought I was being a great mum, making sure my kids didn't lose out on time with their dad. Hindsight - I was a mug! Eventually, I got lawyers letter drawn up stipulating the ways that contact would work; i.e. X days, Pick-up at Y time from this location - Drop-off from this location at Y time on day. If he wanted to see his kids, he needed to toe that line. If he didn't bother, I know I gave him a fair crack and that was on him. He got the train for pick-ups and drop-offs after that and I saved a small fortune in fuel.

I strongly suggest that you lose any misplaced feelings that you will be denying your kids contact if you don't do the running around. He is an adult and he needs to take some responsibility here, seeing as he doesn't pay for anything! It's a continued form of control that they exercise over you, and you need to break that link!

ilikepurple · 05/06/2019 11:12

Absent parent has the responsibility for contact costs etc.

Whydonttheycomewithamanual · 05/06/2019 11:22

I have a similar situation - the way I've got around this is that the ex picks them up from school and then drops them back off the next morning, then I pick them up when they finish that day. (I hope that makes sense). And weekends, ex picks them up Friday at finishing time and drops them back at school on a Monday morning. Keeps my travelling costs to a minimum, afterall I'm not the one who decided to move an hour away but also keeps contact to a minimum meaning less chance for arguments (in theory)

TantricTwist · 05/06/2019 11:26

I'm in your situation OP and I never ever take my DC to his house or back.

If he wants to see the kids then he has to do all the running around.
I am very firm stubborn on that point.

Original poster
namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:27

@TantricTwist how do you word it so it sounds like it's not just to be difficult?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/06/2019 11:33

In what way is this you being difficult? You're not preventing contact - this is to drop DS back from his! If he doesn't work then he has plenty of time to do drop off himself (Uni term has finished now for the summer). If in fact he is working then he can pay you maintenance can't he.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/06/2019 11:39

I think this is where having a formal agreement through solicitors can be helpful. It can take the emotion out of it, and then it’s all there in black and white that both sides abide by. I’m not talking a full blown court case or anything. Another thing that was helpful for me with my ex was doing drop off / pick up in a neutral location, much less scope for an argument, and no one feels they are on anyone else’s “home territory”.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 11:41

Arrange that you pick up from. Nursery.
No.reason to.go to his house.

Original poster
namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:43

@cestlavielife he'd make a big deal that it's not enough time with him if he picks him up from nursery at the end of the day and then drops him off first thing.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 11:46

But it is same for you.
Arrange days so each of you pick.from nursery and drop off at nursery in different days and split weekends every other weekend.
There is no reason for you to.go to his house when you have a neutral location I e nursery.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 11:49

So instead of picking up from his at tea time the dc stays overnight he drops him off at nursery and you pick up from. Nursery next day. Split the days so it's equal.

Original poster
namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:49

@cestlavielife I don't feel comfortable with more than 2 nights a week away from home though.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 05/06/2019 11:52

Can you alternate who does return bus ride trip?

Maintenance is a separate issue. Can you go through CSA to get it formalised?

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 11:53

Why?
What s the difference between two and three?
Dc has two homes so is not "away from.home. "

Waveysnail · 05/06/2019 11:53

"cestlavielife

So instead of picking up from his at tea time the dc stays overnight he drops him off at nursery and you pick up from. Nursery next day. Split the days so it's equal."

This. Or go and get him

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/06/2019 11:53

So if you can stand up to him about the number of overnights you can stand up to him about the travelling.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 11:54

As dc is young and used to two nights can be used to three it is what dc knows.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 05/06/2019 11:59

You are enabling him to be a lazy twat....

Pinkvoid · 05/06/2019 12:01

Nope, you shouldn’t have to fork out for bus rides to his house at all. He wants to see his son, he pays.

TantricTwist · 05/06/2019 12:02

I would just say 'I'm sorry but I'm not collecting DS anymore because I can't afford it / busy working from home (just make something up) studying for a made up course / working late that day as need extra hours (as you are not paying any maintenance you tight bastard) so if you want to spend time with DC you have to do all the picking up and returning from now on.

If he refuses then he's basically not worthy of DS time imho.

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