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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be picking up DC

47 replies

namechange097 · 05/06/2019 11:00

Ex and I split and he has DS a couple of nights a week. Lives 45 minutes away by bus- neither of us drive.
He usually collects DS from nursery. Then I'm expected to pick him up at teatime the next day from his. I don't feel comfortable going to his house as he's been aggressive to me, he doesn't pay maintenance or even rent, I'm short for money at the minute and I'm the one who pays nursery (and everything else) etc. I feel like I shouldn't have to go to his door to get DS on such a long bus ride back and forth at teatime and spend £40+ a month on buses when I'm the one who feeds and clothes DS and pays bills.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 05/06/2019 12:03

No way should you let him have 3 days per week.

He's such a tight, lazy bastard. The thing is that he's not going to do anything more than complain - if he could afford to take you to court then he could afford to pay CM.

RomanyQueen · 05/06/2019 12:03

These men need shaming. I'd have it all over social media, and in private I'd be telling them what a shit parent they were and hopefully a real man will come along and provide for his children as he clearly is incapable.
make him feel a failure.

viques · 05/06/2019 12:06

You say he has DS for a couple of nights a week, so as others have suggested put those two nights together.

He picks up from nursery on day 1

Has overnight.

Takes to nursery/picks up on day 2

Has overnight.

Drops to nursery on day 3.

You pick up.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 12:06

But if he has him 3 nights he will have to provide food nappies clothes do the washing etc etc. For 3 nights . So he will be forced to provide for him clothes food nappies and care for him.

So.that is better right?
How is more nights making him lazier? It gives him more responsibility

Original poster

namechange097 · 05/06/2019 12:07

Could he use it against me if I'm honest and say I couldn't afford it? (He knows I'm currently unemployed as I was let off from a job and delighted in telling me about how much of a mess my life was!).

OP posts:

TantricTwist · 05/06/2019 12:07

Be strong and change your mindset.

DS deserves better. You deserve better.

If he wants to see DS despite paying no maintenance he will have to pick him up and bring him back each time with no exceptions.

If he doesn't like this that is his fault and not yours.
Don't accept any compromise.

Original poster

namechange097 · 05/06/2019 12:08

@cestlavielife 3 nights is not an option, that's too much of an influence for my DS with someone like him!

OP posts:

JessieTalamasca · 05/06/2019 12:09

No, he can't use it against you. He's not paying a fucking penny for his kid!

TantricTwist · 05/06/2019 12:13

Right, now you definitely have the excuse of not being able to afford to pick up DS.

Absolutely refuse to do it from now on.
No he can not use anything against you just because you are unemployed. Why would you think that, he sounds like a horrible man making you think that.

Your life is not a mess it's just that these things happen.

You will find a job soon, everything will work itself out, you will be fine.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 12:16

If he is neglectful a bad influence etc then not.much difference between 2 or 3 nights really. Either he is trusted overnight or not.

But don't pick up from his.

Pick up from nursery.
You don't need to go to his.
He doesn't need to go to yours.

All pick ups ftom nursery
All drop offs to nursery.

You weigh up the costs and time and how many overnights.

If it s 2 then it's nursery tea night nursery

Next day you pick up tea night nursery
Then He picks up tea night nursery
You pick.up.
Other nights and days you.
No need to.ever go to his.

If he wants 3 nights and you disagree then go to mediation or court if you cannot agree

You don't pay for a.ything when he is with dad. So dad has to pay.

Isatis · 05/06/2019 12:24

Absolutely not, when he's not paying any maintenance for his child, and he's hardly in a position to criticise anyone else's employment situation. If he tried he'd be laughed out of court.

Jaxhog · 05/06/2019 12:24

he'd make a big deal that it's not enough time with him if he picks him up from nursery at the end of the day and then drops him off first thing.

He isn't paying ANYTHING towards his child's costs and he's complaining?!!! Tell him he can see his son if he collects and drops him off at a neutral location. A local (to you) McD for example.

Jaxhog · 05/06/2019 12:25

Or as @cestlavielife suggests pickup/drop off at nursery. Even better.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2019 12:32

If he has him.for overnights he has to feed clothe him so must be paying something.

What is best for child?
Buses after tea and potential witnesding arguments.... or sleep Over night and dropped to nursery then picked up.from nursery?

IvanaPee · 05/06/2019 12:37

What do you mean that’s too much influence?

Is your child in any sort of danger of emotional abuse or anything with him?

Be prepared for him/your child to want longer access when child is older.

If he’s on benefits, can’t they take £5 a week or something??

I’d err on the side of agreeing that an extra night and pick up from nursery is best if your child is in no danger or position of neglect, plus if he’s not paying maintenance it’s a more equal split of costs!

hmsvictory · 05/06/2019 12:41

It clearly needs writing down formally, but a couple of things don't make sense. Why are you paying for dc to go to nursery if you're both unemployed? Surely that's a luxury in these circumstances?

I also don't get why you can't just pick him up from nursery currently on the last day. Is ex picking him up and taking him all that way just for you to travel to get him a couple of hours later?

Hahaha88 · 05/06/2019 12:41

Tbh I think you are just trying to be difficult. Presumably the nursery is near you, so he's doing the traveling once a week and so are you. I understand it's a cost issue, for which I don't think YABU in saying you don't want to keep the current arrangement, but shooting down ex having lo three night's and dropping him to nursery is YBU. Also why is he only having lo on nursery days? It doesn't give much quality time for them together, surely it should be every other weekend and one weeknight?

Original poster

namechange097 · 05/06/2019 12:45

@hmsvictory I've been unemployed for about 2 weeks.

I don't really understand your second question, sorry?

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 05/06/2019 12:56

Don't just change it at short notice, unless emergency obvs. You need to make some proper decisions in a plannned and reasonable way if possible. You can take legal advice and negotiate yourselves, use mediation or go to court if all else fails. Start by working out what is best for dc, what you can manage, what you need from him. When you think you know what's fair write it down and send to him. Best of luck.

Missingstreetlife · 05/06/2019 13:04

Wish ppl would read the thread! He knows you've lost your job, he must expect you will be making changes to accommodate that. Several different issues here need untangling. Don't let him abuse you.

GabsAlot · 05/06/2019 13:04

Go through a solicitor yes he has rights but not for you to be running around facilitating it all

WhereForArtThouBray · 05/06/2019 13:14

I think Pick up from Nursery Friday and drop off Monday at nursery one week and pick up from nursery Thursday, drop off at nursery Friday the next week would be for the best. it is still only 4 nights in a fortnite.

So;
Week 1 - Fri - Mon
Week 2 - Thur - Fri
Week 3 Fri - Mon
Week 4 Thurs- Fri

and so on.

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