Help me not be so angry [suicide trigger warning]

[Wishiwasincornwall]

Very very dear and close family member went missing and attempted to take her own life earlier this week.

Completely out of the blue, no family or friends were aware of preexisting MH issues, no signs on the lead up even on the day in question, no obvious trigger.

I want to be fully supportive, loving and compassionate as I FULLY UNDERSTAND that to be at that point all logic goes out of the window. You truly believe it is the only option and you are not able to think about other people. I cannot begin to imagine the turmoil she felt at that time and I love her very much.

But...

I can't help but secretly feel very angry that she would do that to her children. That she didn't reach out to her loving supportive caring family when she started feeling this way and getting help before it got this far. I know IAMBVU and I want to stop these thoughts but I don't know how or is it normal and helpful to have these feelings?

It’s totally normal to have those feelings (as long as you don’t manifest them with your family member of course).

It’s a huge shock for you and you are allowed to have your emotions. Is there anyone you can talk or through with?

sane , rational people do not attempt to suicide.

This is about her, not you, and if you cant deal with the fact she has acute MH issues, then keep the fuck away from her. My words are harsh but your judgemental post makes me think you might just exacerbate the situation for her rather than help.

All this 'pull yourself together', 'get over it' , 'see the GP and get some pills' frankly are a pointless train of thought.

Where were you (and all her other family friends) when her MH started to unravel?

It's normal to have these feelings...but obvs DON'T express them to the person /your family.

I've worked a lot with people who are suicidal. .

It's not that they are 'selfishly' leaving their kids/family....it's often BECAUSE they believe they are so worthless that their kids are better off without them

Look out for her children.

I say this as the child with the suicidal parent who tried to kill me on a number of occasions or try to persuade me that life wasn’t worth living and I should commit suicide with her.
She would crush pills up in my food.
I didn’t trust people to make me food or drink till I was in my 20s

She had tried to kill herself before but hadn’t been successful

I know not everyone who is suicidal wants to kill those around them first but it does happen and with my experience i am not easy with children being around.

UnicornBrexit how on earth is my post judgemental? I am asking how to process and handle these raw emotions so that I am in a better position to support her through this!!!!!!!!!!!

I am saying that my feelings are totally irational and I don't want them. I am saying that I understand she felt she had no choice.

I would NEVER express these feelings to her or anybody else that is why I came on here as not to offend anybody involved in real life.

OP it is very frustrating when someone's MH issues have reached the point of suicide.
Their brain is such that they genuinely believe the world is a better place without them.
They don't know how to express their pain otherwise they would if they could.
She honestly thinks her children are better off without her.
She doesnt know how to ask for help because she is scared and hasn't a clue why she feels this way.

Luckily she can now get the help she needs with supportive people around her who will be non-judgemental and just there for her with no strings attached.

While she sorts out what's going on in her head.
Just be there for her and don't try asking her the wh's and wherefores just follow her lead when it comes to talking about it in her own time when she can try and put it all into words.

Ignore it! You are entitled and perfectly normal to go through feelings of anger. I'll say that again feelings of anger towards a person who commits or tries to commit suicide ar perfectly normal

It's like the griving process. When some tries but does not succeed you still go through al the 'what ifs', exactly as you say you are doing! It isn't irrational it is just the brain's way of working through those extreme emotions.

Let yourself feel those emotions, keep talking here if it helps you get them out and sorted. But don't feel you have to stifle them or are a bad peson for feeling them. You are not, I'll say it again, they are perfectly normal feelings in the face off suicide or attempted suicide.

Also, don't force yourself into super helpful mode to make up for those feelings. You have to look after yourself. Everyone in the aftermath of suicide does. Work through it and then, when you have worked out your own equilibrium, if appropriate, offer help. I don't mean don't make contact, or offer to do practical things for the family, I mean don't throw yourself into some kinds of 'saviour' mode.

Sorry, ignore it wasn't to ignore your feelings but to ignore the poster/s whose first reaction is to berate your for being unfeeling or selfish!

Op is there a chance that you feel guilty that you didn’t (couldn’t) do anything to help her & that’s manifesting itself in anger towards her? (Like you blame her for you not being able to help her & therefore the guilt you’re feeling now?)

Regarding her children, parents that do this often feel that the children are better off without them & that it’s the best thing for the children.

Another saying allow and positively welcome all your feelings about this. That's not the same as expressing them to her. It is my belief that emotions need to be felt and given the space and acknowledgement to be able to move through and out. The more you can bear to sit with and feel these emotions, the sooner they will pass.

unicorn brexit To be fair, perhaps the Ill family member of the op didn't manifest any symptoms before her attempt? My own father was a hardworking, tough talking stereotypically masculine man and showed no symptoms at all of his declining mental health. Some people hide it well. I understand where you're coming from though, I felt anguish when people you professed to care about him were no where to be seen. It sucks

It might be normal to have these feelings but it definitely isn't helpful no. The poor woman is already so down on herself that she thought her children would be better off without her, so judgement is the very last thing she needs. I suspect that when her mental health (hopefully) improves and she is able to think straight she will feel guilty enough for what she's put them through.

Speaking here as someone who tried to take their own life twice (although I don't have kids). When I was seriously depressed and suicidal, I wasn't thinking rationally. I can't even put into words how awful it is to feel so low that you try to take your own life. I convinced myself that I was the world's biggest burden and everyone would be better off without me. So that's something I would keep in mind, she might have convinced herself that her children would be better off with her (obviously that's not true, but it's very easy to think that way when you're suicidal).

In regards to her not speaking out, I was the exact same. Expressing that you feel depressed or suicidal is really difficult to do. You're worried people are going to judge you, roll their eyes at you, or start treating you differently. I know everyone says to open up and talk about mental health, but that can be really hard.

Honestly, if you've never been suicidal yourself, I do think it can be difficult to understand exactly what that person is going through. A suicidal person isn't thinking rationally, whereas you are. So I can understand why you feel like this. Just be there for her now and hopefully over time your feelings will ease.

The feelings are absolutely normal, and I can't even imagine although actually I can empathise- you do the maths the kind of guilt this person must be going through.

You know, that it is what you do with those feelings that counts. Maybe someday you will be able to talk through this anger with this person, although of course, there are no guarantees.

Don't try to stop the thoughts. This doesn't work for everyone, but have you considered writing her a letter that you never, ever send to her, and destroy putting down your feelings, exactly how you would LIKE to express them? You can go to town, just put it all down, reflect on it, then get rid of it. Just an idea.

Who professed*

Think of it this way - would you be angry if your friend died as a result of cancer or a heart condition? Mental health conditions are just as valid as physical health conditions. Your friend died as a result of a mental health illness. It was not through 'choice' in the sense that she was unable to make healthy and rational choices due to her illness. Her illness had her genuinely believe it was the best and only choice. May she RIP. Heart goes out to her family and to you too. x

I supported a friend through her almost attempt last night. Got her help, stayed with her, spoke to her family, husband etc. This morning I have kept in contact with her, offered supportive words, pushed for the ongoing care she needs etc etc.

Inside I want to have a shout and a cry. I nearly lost my best friend last night because she didn't tell us. I'm devastated and angry and sad. Its totally normal and it doesn't stop you being the supportive person you want to be. You just have to shelve it until you can find your own outlet. Remember supporters need support too and this is why, you are allowed to feel. They may be the most important but that doesn't make you unimportant.

To those who think it's selfish of a parent to commit suicide or those who lack to understand why...
In that frame of mind you believe you are useless to your children. You imagine them a happier, more balanced life without you. You think that they could go on to have a wonderful family life where they don't have a mentally ill care giver. That your partner could meet a wonderful woman who would offer them a better love than you're capable of. Love doesn't even exist in your heart at this point, you are numb to almost anything positive.
You don't feel you're anything to them but instead are dragging them down with you.
You worry your unhappiness or disease will pass on to them should you continue to be around. You believe a dead Mum would be easier to contend with than a unhealthy, dangerous, useless piece of shit.
To others it's sounds selfish and horrendous but to those in it it seems like the perfect solution for all at the time.
Of course it isn't but that fog can cloud the mind so blindly that you actually believe you're doing the best by your children.
It is more an act of selflessness than a lot realise.

It is more an act of selflessness than a lot realise. Which is nigh impossible for famly to appreciate. Even now, 20 years later, I am not sure we are there yet!

That and the "what would you think if they died of cancer?" trope are not soemthng close freinds and family can usually get their heads around. Not really surprising after the ultimate act of abandonment.

Don't mistake me, I can rationalise it when it is someone I don't know. I am just saying that it is nigh on impossible to do that when it is your own family. At that time such information just comes across as an annoying platitude.

Thankyou everyone who has contributed helpfully I really do appreciate all of it.

Just to clarify i meant helpful as in helpful to process my feelings definitely not helpful to express to others.

She is still semi unconscious and as I already stated there were no signs she was even mildly unhappy let alone this so hopefully in time we will be able to understand why and that will help the anger dissipate.

It's devastating to think she got to the point that she believed her kids would be better off without her and we were sat round the dinner table laughing and chatting on the phone and didn't even see it.

OP you have those feelings because you care about her, it's normal.

I've been on both sides of this. Your feelings are normal and may actually help you understand how your friend was feeling at the time.
You say you think you're being v unreasonable to have these thoughts and feelings, and rationally you understand that your friend made this decision while not thinking clearly and recognise the need to support her, the rationality and the feelings you're having contradict each other.
When my friend did this I was angry too, even though I'd been there myself. I couldn't believe she couldn't see the wonderful person I can, because to me it's so obvious. I couldn't believe she didn't think I'd understand, that she didn't think I'd help in any way I could. But then I remembered being there myself and the complete self loathing that I couldn't stop this thing taking over, I couldn't fight any more and it was effecting everyone.
There is still a stigma and belief that mental illness is somehow a choice. But with any illness, there's a choice to access treatment possibly, but not to ensure it's successful, no guarantee it'll work and there's the implication you're not trying hard enough if it's not working. As with any illness, recovery is dependant on the ill person seeking help - the problem with mental illness is it screws your thinking and can make you think you're not worth help, or you're just being dramatic feeling like this and you just need to try harder, or the help won't work because you're not ill you're bad or evil.
Your own feelings now, which you're not liking and feeling unreasonable for having are similar to the turmoil that is felt for someone like your friend. But you need to deal with those feelings and accept they are valid, because they are. I found Samaritan's and mind very supportive as a depressed person and as the supporter of one. You need support too, it's exhausting supporting and loving someone in your friends situation, look after yourself and you're better placed to look after her too.
💐 To you both.

OP there often aren’t signs. You have no idea what was going on in her head. She may have had psychosis which means she didn’t know what was going on in her own head.

Never judge. It’s easy for people to say all the ‘she has a loving supportive family’ (then you find out dad was abusing her throughout her childhood), ‘she showed no signs’ (because she spend every day trying to put on a smiling, everything is ok face, to everyone around her), ‘she should have talked to me’ (but the one thing she was worried about came so easily to you, or she’d heard you make jokes about depression etc in the past, so no way was she coming to you).

I’m not saying the above happened, but just giving you examples, looking from the outside in is one thing, when you are on the inside looking out, you see a whole different picture.

would you be angry if your friend died as a result of cancer or a heart condition?

I've lost 2 friends to cancer, one as a teenager and the other at 37, was it angry? Damn right I was angry! A god awful disease stole 2 amazing people from me and devastated the many people who loved them. Sometimes that anger displaces and takes aim at the wrong target, it's normal and very common. The anger isn't wrong, as long as it's managed properly.

Trying to hide from your emotions is counterproductive, you have a right to feel what you feel. OP, don't beat yourself up from having negative feelings, look for the root cause of them - then you'll be able to process what has happened in a healthy way.

Andro were you angry at your friend or angry at cancer?