Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how to put this right?

29 replies

eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 08:23

My relationship has been in a difficult place for a while, I am quite a conflict avoidant person so tend to avoid difficult discussions meaning nothing gets resolved and partner feels frustrated by this. I am working on my communication and we have started Relate.

He is very jealous of me currently as I have lost a lot of weight. He has never been jealous in the 5+ years weve been together. We are apart during the week due to work currently too which is not helping. He has convinced himself that I'm interested in other men/ lining up a replacement as the physical side of our relationship has been non existent for months. The truth is I've zero interest in anyone else, I have told him this. I've got a lot on with work, home, trying to improve fitness and also these issues, I don't feel very connected to him at present and therefore not in a place for things to be physical iyswim...he has said something similar about feeling disconnected.

Anyway a few weeks ago in the aftermath of a row when we weren't really speaking I arranged a short break away with a (female) friend. I didn't tell him because at that point I wasn't sure if we'd survive. I didn't book it with the intention of meeting some new bloke I just wanted a few days in the sun. Friend lost a parent a few months ago very suddenly so also wanted just to get away from it all for a few days.

I should have told him sooner but was trying to avoid a kick off, plus the period we're going is not when I'd see him anyway (but I wasn't going to not tell him).

So now I have and predictably he is really upset, hurt, betrayed (his words). He interprets this as me basically sticking 2 fingers up to the relationship and (because I said I wasn't going to argue about it) that I'm refusing to compromise etc. This is exactly what I didn't want.

So how do I resolve this? I'm not even sure if I can. I feel as though everything I do is wrong but I can't say that to him as I am told its self pitying. So instead I ask him what he wants me to say and he says I'm not compromising, and he can't tell me how to react.

:/

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 05/06/2019 08:27

Might be better asking MNHQ to move this to Relationships

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 05/06/2019 08:33

Well obviously you need to buy a ball +chain and binge into obesity.. Anything less his unreasonable face will be tripping.
Have the first ltb of the day op...

Throckmorton · 05/06/2019 08:37

Relationships are meant to be enjoyable. He's jealous and controlling - ditch him

bloodywhitecat · 05/06/2019 08:39

I would take the time away to figure out what I was getting from this relationship because it sounds, to me, like his jealousy is making both of your lives hell at the moment.

Moneybegreen · 05/06/2019 08:45

Compromise on what? Does he think you should cancel it? I don't get what his problem is.

Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 08:50

His problem is that I've not told him (and when I did I didn't say exactly who I was going with or where so to him it looks like I have something to hide). By saying I don't want to/ won't argue over it or get into s heated discussion I think that's how he means I'm not compromising.

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 05/06/2019 09:03

He sounds a bloody nightmare.

Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:09

He's not - well he wasn't. This is definitely not how he was in the past.

OP posts:
Fromage · 05/06/2019 09:13

You hadn't upset him with the weight loss before.

A supportive, loving partner - or, tbh, a normal human - would say CONGRATULATIONS you look fantastic, I'm proud of you, well done. That's a normal reaction to someone who's put in hard work and effort to improve an aspect of their life.

It seems his approval depends on you being less attractive/happy/confident, in his eyes. So that's nice isn't it?

I'm not going to say LTB. I'm going to say RLF. Run like fuck.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 05/06/2019 09:17

Yes he's got issues, as a PP said I would be seriously thinking about the future.

However, I don't really understand why you've been cagey about the details of your time away? It is entirely innocent but your behaviour makes it seem the opposite?
If my husband did the same, I'd probably wonder wth was going on too!

Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:18

to be fair to him, he has also congratulated me and does regularly tell me how amazing I look, but this jealousy thing seems to be consuming him at present. I am finding it difficult because I'm not a jealous person (if I thought a woman was actively pursuing him - or vice versa - then I certainly would be BUT no one is pursuing me and I'm certainly not pursuing them, honestly I'm not interested in anyone else).

OP posts:
tenredthings · 05/06/2019 09:20

Only he can work on his insecurities. Adjusting your liberties to accommodate his insecurities is just enabling him.

Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:22

I've been cagey because I knew it would end in a row. So I avoided the conflict by not mentioning it. I have done this for years about many things, not just in personal life but home and work life too, I just don't handle difficult conversations well and try to avoid them (the irony is that difficult conversations are a key part of my work and I have no issue with doing them professionally with clients/ other companies, but just not in relation to my own life. Crazy I know).

OP posts:
AlphaBlocks · 05/06/2019 09:24

Hes feeling insecure since your weight loss. I wonder if you felt like a 'safer bet' when you were overweight eg no other man would want you (his thoughts not mine!). There is nothing to compromise when it comes to the holiday, he wants you to cancel, you shouldn't! Ultimately he mayve been the nicer guy before but his attitude since you've lost weight would make me question what he really thought of you before.

Oh! And LTB

AlphaBlocks · 05/06/2019 09:25

Its not about you being interested in someone else, it's the possibility someone could be interested in you. He clearly didn't think this was an option before.

HypatiaCade · 05/06/2019 09:30

Wow, you have made a mess of things, haven't you? You are well within your rights to book and have this holiday, but it's easy to see why he thinks you've done it deliberately as a 'fuck you' to him.

But I'm curious, how does he see you 'compromising'? Does compromise actually mean 'Do it my way'? If that's his idea of compromise, I can see why you've avoided having confrontations with him, because you have no way of 'winning'. If that's the case, he is completely the wrong partner for you. A conflict avoider and a controller - not an ideal partnership!

You need to work on this conflict avoidance though. How about keeping a list of things that you think you should talk about with significant people in your life (or is your partner the only one you avoid talking about thing with?). Then pick one of them, and bring it up, whether it be by email, text, phone or in person. A simple 'By the way, I've booked X for myself. Just wanted to let you know.' Pick the easiest method for you to actually do it - in this day text is the perfect method for this, it gives you breathing and thinking time if you get an aggressive text back - and cross it off your list. Share at least a couple of things a week that you think you should share, but are finding it hard to.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 09:33

He sounds like hard work. But I wouldn’t like my partner arranging a holiday and deliberately not telling me.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/06/2019 09:36

"I've been cagey because I knew it would end in a row. So I avoided the conflict by not mentioning it. I have done this for years about many things, not just in personal life but home and work life too, I just don't handle difficult conversations well"
Do you think that your DH has not picked up on your caginess over the years? It is probably your fault that he is feeling a lack of trust in you, he can sense your lack of openness and honesty.

It sounds as if you need to do some work on your self including assertiveness training. If you know this is how he would react then why did you deliberately withhold telling him who you were going with and where? If my DH was going away without me then I don't think it would be asking too much to know where he was going and who with.

Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:45

I avoid conflict in most situations. I don't avoid it with my DC (teenagers) and never used to with my parents, but in all other spheres I do. My job used to involve management of staff but I was awful at it because I found it difficult to give people messages with any negative connotations, or make any difficult requests. I don't complain or discuss issues at work (for example I'm underpaid compared to male peers but have never raised it, also years ago when I was pregnant with DC1 I actually avoided mentioning I was pregnant until I was at 6 months because I knew they would be really difficult about it...so I left it until I couldn't avoid it any longer - small bump so not noticeable before then), and I avoid difficult discussions with people doing work for me in the home (I had a plumber fit something completely wrong but I let it go because I couldn't raise it with him). This has been a feature of my life for 20 years or more so it's not a new thing. I remember doing it at university too. In fact it's hard to remember a time, outside my immediate family, when I didn't do it. Thank you for the tip about doing one a week, I'm definitely going to try that. I think doing it by email or text would work for me...small steps and no immediate response.

As to compromise, I think he means generally discuss stuff more...meet on the field of conflict etc rather than me just (metaphorically) standing on the sidelines.

OP posts:
Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:53

I've told him who with and where now. Yes I should have told him that info when I was telling him but I don't think his reaction would have been any different if I'd said I'm going away on X with one of the girls from Y or if I'd said I'm going on X with Sharon (my pal from Y), we're going to Z. I didn't say friends name because I actually wasn't sure he would remember who she was.

I should have handled it better and I have apologised.

OP posts:
Original poster
eucalyptustree · 05/06/2019 09:54

The irony is in my professional life (when dealing with external people not colleagues/ managers) I am, if anything, too assertive.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 05/06/2019 09:59

Make sure that you are apologising for not handling it well, and NOT for booking the trip. It wouldn't hurt to point out that you felt his reaction would not have been any different no matter HOW you told him. It might make him think about his aggressiveness.

Good luck in being more assertive. Start small if you have to, but in all honesty, I think your first battle should be getting equal pay to your male colleagues.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/06/2019 10:02

Sorry I didn't answer what you can do to put things right:

Start openly communicating with your DH. Tell him that you've often been cagey and why.

If he is jealous of you losing weight could it be partly that he would like to and finds it more difficult. If so, support him more in his efforts.

Have date nights to try and reconnect better with him. Try some couples counselling.

You have to have trust on both sides. Your being cagey may feed his jealousy. I hope this is unconscious on your part but now you need to consciously ensure you aren't cagey with him. He isn't being given a chance to exercise trust because you are giving him reason to be suspicious of your behaviour.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 05/06/2019 10:25

We all know how you can lose 17 stone op...

Cheeserton · 05/06/2019 10:34

Why on earth wouldn't you tell him where and with who? That's certainly asking for trouble (and is basic info, not 'controlling' to expect), even if he has been a twat (which he has).

Swipe left for the next trending thread