to ask how to put this right?

[eucalyptustree]

My relationship has been in a difficult place for a while, I am quite a conflict avoidant person so tend to avoid difficult discussions meaning nothing gets resolved and partner feels frustrated by this. I am working on my communication and we have started Relate.

He is very jealous of me currently as I have lost a lot of weight. He has never been jealous in the 5+ years weve been together. We are apart during the week due to work currently too which is not helping. He has convinced himself that I'm interested in other men/ lining up a replacement as the physical side of our relationship has been non existent for months. The truth is I've zero interest in anyone else, I have told him this. I've got a lot on with work, home, trying to improve fitness and also these issues, I don't feel very connected to him at present and therefore not in a place for things to be physical iyswim...he has said something similar about feeling disconnected.

Anyway a few weeks ago in the aftermath of a row when we weren't really speaking I arranged a short break away with a (female) friend. I didn't tell him because at that point I wasn't sure if we'd survive. I didn't book it with the intention of meeting some new bloke I just wanted a few days in the sun. Friend lost a parent a few months ago very suddenly so also wanted just to get away from it all for a few days.

I should have told him sooner but was trying to avoid a kick off, plus the period we're going is not when I'd see him anyway (but I wasn't going to not tell him).

So now I have and predictably he is really upset, hurt, betrayed (his words). He interprets this as me basically sticking 2 fingers up to the relationship and (because I said I wasn't going to argue about it) that I'm refusing to compromise etc. This is exactly what I didn't want.

So how do I resolve this? I'm not even sure if I can. I feel as though everything I do is wrong but I can't say that to him as I am told its self pitying. So instead I ask him what he wants me to say and he says I'm not compromising, and he can't tell me how to react.

:/

When I told him about the trip I did say I've not told you because I didn't want to start another row, we had been just about getting on ok and I didn't want to negatively tip the balance. I did also make it clear I wasn't in any way going with the purpose of meeting anyone else (and that I had no intention of doing that anyway, at any time).

I have now said who I'm going with and where, but I really don't think his reaction would have been any better if I'd said that when I told him I was going.

I have tried contacting him since but no reply. I agree I obviously misjudged it but I do still think his reaction would have been the same regardless.

I have been to Relate (and actually found the session quite helpful, although he said it's a grand for 10 sessions that basically tell you how to talk to each other - although it was his suggestion. but I'd said I wanted to go to more sessions)

How are you op? Your dp sounds like very hard work. And like a man child with the jealousy, insecurity and sulking. Tbh he appears not to trust you about other men and that would be the end for me.

Without wishing to sound unsympathetic, the OP sounds like quite hard work herself.
I don’t know if Relate is the place, but some therapy to explore why you can’t deal with the most basic of things until the very last minute would probably be very helpful.
It seems to me that by leaving any (possibly) difficult conversation until it absolutely cannot be avoided, it’s making the final discussion more fraught than tackling the subject earlier ever would have been.
So, a vicious circle of “I knew this would cause a row so I didn’t say anything”, replied to with “if you’d said something earlier there wouldn’t have been an issue”.