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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

found out my daughter was raped

32 replies

rainydays52 · 05/06/2019 06:46

It goes without saying this post is going to be about rape, just want to forewarn.

My DD confessed recently that many years ago, when she was 14 (she's 29 now) she was raped by her then boyfriend. Needless to say I was horrified and lamenting the fact I didn't know at the time.
Me and my DH knew about the relationship, we never liked the boyfriend and never left them alone together, his mother was also supposedly supervising when she was at their house.
After the relationship ended she told me he'd beaten her up and physically abused her many times, and I had noticed bruises all over her body before but she had made excuses at the time. Now I feel sick with guilt that I didn't protect her.
It turns out she was in denial about the rape for a long time because she'd let him kiss her, but then when he tried it on with her and she said No, he held her down by force and raped her.
She lost her virginity by rape and she said she blacked out from the pain....It's too unbearable to think about.
It's also relevant to point out he was 17, almost 18. so a three and half year age gap.
I wish to god we could get him locked up for what he did to my daughter but she says it's pointless to go to the police, there's no proof and it was all too long ago. I don't want to press her but the sense of injustice is huge.
We know that whole family still live down the road, the b*stard in question is now married with four kids, now doubt enjoying his life.
I just want to know what others here on MN would do in my position.

OP posts:
KnifeAngel · 05/06/2019 06:48

If your daughter wants to you could go to the police. He deserves what's coming to him.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 06:50

How awful. I would do whatever she wanted to do.

Original poster
rainydays52 · 05/06/2019 06:54

Her not wanting to go to the police seems to predicate on her believing nothing would come of it because it was so long ago and the only evidence is her word. She doesn't want to drag it up all again for nothing. How likely is it that anything will come of it in this situation?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 06:56

It is very hard to get a conviction for rape. That’s true. But if she knows this and wants to report it anyway, just support her, as I am sure you would.

HammerToFall · 05/06/2019 06:59

OP, you sound lovely. I recently told my mum and dad that I was raped when I was 16 living in a hostel as they had thrown me out. She just looked at me like I was crazy then changed the subject.

Just be there for her if she wants to talk and comfort her If she gets upset.

The most important thing for me was I wanted validation that I was raped and I didn't deserve it as I thought for many years. It's taken me till I'm 40 to accept it, I told mug husband and he made me realise that it was raped and not consensual. The guy was 27, in my room in the hostel after following me in. He was out of his face on drugs and I was frightened.

Your poor daughter, she's in my thoughts.

SheepOnRafts · 05/06/2019 06:59

Do what DD wants to do. Encourage her to go to therapy. What have her relationships been like since then?
Unfortunately I have no doubt that he is abusing his wife.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/06/2019 07:00

Going to the police might well lead to him being arrested and interviewed. That might serve as a punishment in itself. I would be delighted to disrupt his apparently happy life (although who knows how he treats his wife and kids behind closed doors). It’s difficult to know whether he will end up being charged, but your evidence corroborating suspicious bruises might help. The lack of a witness to the rape is not a problem in that it’s completrly standard. It rare that there is a witness present. Even if he said sex was consensual, that was a crime because of her age.

Perhaps encourage her to seek advice from rape crisis/women’s aid?

DizzyPigeon · 05/06/2019 07:04

Respect her decision on this.

Going to trial for rape is hard. The defence (of it gets to that stage) effectively put the rape victim on trial, bringing up anything they can to try to paint her as less than innocent.

If she decides to do this, I would recommend she go to somewhere like rape crisis in order to get access to an advocacy worker - bear in mind there might be a long wait. They will be a massive help through the process.

Don't push her into making the decision you want. The road is not easy, and if it isn't her decision she may end up resenting you for it.

stucknoue · 05/06/2019 07:06

Whether to go to the police depends on two main factors, firstly it's she's aware of what he is doing now, does his job mean that he has access to vulnerable people, if he's used coercion once he could do it again. Secondly was there any chance someone corroborate what she is saying, a friend she told at the time? Many of us looking back were definitely coerced into having sex, I certainly was and now I would say it was rape yet at the time I didn't think so, our definition has changed. There's charities out there that offer specific advice but she has a great mum that will support her!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/06/2019 07:06

The only thing you can do is to follow her lead in terms of what she wants to happen now. Listen to her; make it clear that she is believed. Don't try to minimise what has happened - my mum is a great one for doing that and it just makes me realise that she is protecting herself from having to face up to anything uncomfortable and will do that at the expense of listening to me or protecting me.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/06/2019 07:10

Many of us looking back were definitely coerced into having sex, I certainly was

This is so true. I was so inexperienced, and my parents never spoke about sex, ever, except to put the fear of God into me about being one of those girls who "got herself pregnant" (Hmm), that I had no idea really what a healthy sexual relationship was supposed to be like.

Original poster
rainydays52 · 05/06/2019 07:11

Thanks for all the responses.
I agree... It's completely up to DD, maybe she needs to think about it some more.

I don't know much about the subject, but I'd assumed rape convictions occur when either there was a witness, cctv footage or if you went to the doctor afterwards and was examined for injuries, had DNA testing and so on.

I think my DD was worried the police would think, oh it's just another one of those ones who has suddenly decided to majorly disrupt someone's life.

HammerToFall How awful for you, I hope you get the support you need.

SheepOnRafts Unfortunately she went on to have another abusive relationship, albeit psychologically abusive and not physically. She has started seeing a psychologist to get to the bottom of why she's repeatedly stayed in an abusive relationship.

TestingTestingWonTooFree That's a good point, she was underage and he wasn't, but I'm not sure what constitutes as enough of an age gap for the police to consider an offence?

OP posts:
SpacePlusTime · 05/06/2019 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFatberg · 05/06/2019 07:15

Hi

I'm so sorry that happened to your daughter. I would recommend contacting your local SARC (sexual assault referral centre) who can advise on support and next steps, even if she doesn't want to pursue the police route.

As others have said, it's hard to secure a conviction for rape, and the case may not even make it to court. Her local SARC can discuss this with her further.

Original poster
rainydays52 · 05/06/2019 07:17

stucknoue I looked him up online after she told me about this and it looks like he has a job working with kids, which is very concerning.

That's a very interesting point about how our definitions have changed. There is definitely that, but also my daughter said when you are a 14 year old, you don't see yourself as one, because you just see yourself as you, which in a way makes it harder to perceive yourself as a victim. It takes becoming an adult and looking at 14 year olds and realising how young that is.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 05/06/2019 07:23

Perhaps now she's spoken to you about it she's ready to open up to others including the police.
Albeit rape is what you say, it's a huge age gap at that age, not sure if the definition but paedophilic springs to mind and if he's working with children the police may want to consider two types of allegation? I've no experience but it just springs to mind

ilikepurple · 05/06/2019 07:25

I've name changed for this.

I am 50, similar happened to me at 14, he was 19. I've been to the police, done a video interview, he's been interviewed and released under investigation (so it's hanging over his head all the time until it's concluded). The police are now contacting friends who knew about the relationship at the time to gather more evidence they then decide if to take it to CPS.

He may or not be convicted of unlawful sexual intercourse. That's irrelevant to me as it's giving me closure.

Could you explain this to your daughter? The police will absolutely believe you. You can request female officers. They explain everything.

ElsieMc · 05/06/2019 07:28

I have been here too op. DD was 14, he just short of 18. The age is important. The Police actually submitted a file to the CPS but it did not reach the level of proof required. They told us at the time that if he had been 18 (he was two months short) it would have been different.

The chances of conviction are so very low. He went on to be convicted of abh and gbh. But I know of another girl, who she is, and she was 12. She too did not want it raked up. He will have done this again. But it is not for your daughter to suffer again and boy will she suffer if she proceeds.

There has been a thread on here recently about someone's daughter who has taken her attacker to court and the anguish and stress they have suffered and how the defence have depicted her.

Because he was not convicted in our case, it was as though it never happened. She had his child and the family courts allowed contact. I wont elaborate further here because of my gs.

Your dd just needs your love and support. It is down to you and your dd as a family to decide what is best for you all.

MrsxRocky · 05/06/2019 07:29

Not many historic rapes end up in convictions and she could end up traumatising herself with no result.
I was raped at 12 out with friends with a boy in late teens.
But it doesn't bother me now or impact my life. Is it the same for her? She may have just wanted to physically say it out loud and move on.

humblesims · 05/06/2019 07:32

I agree with others about taking things as your DD wants. Its really good that she has opened up to you. I have no experience to offer but would suggest that reporting would be a good idea even if there is no action taken. If he has raped your daughter it is possible that he has raped other women/girls.

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/06/2019 07:35

Many of us looking back were definitely coerced into having sex, I certainly was
Me too. I didn't see it as rape back then (1971) I thought it was just the way it was but it affected my subsequent behaviour and relationships. The last I heard of him he was training to be a vicar.

GertrudeSaysWhat · 05/06/2019 07:39

Another thought is this OP, I once sat in on a rape trial (very similar scenario, relationship finished etc) doing work experience with the CPS. They were able to tell me that he had been accused of doing the same thing by several ex-girlfriends. I wonder if this guy also has other victims???

rwalker · 05/06/2019 07:41

I'd leave it there will be a reason she's told you now , probably reflecting on it and deal in her own way. Hopefully in a few years she will go to the police . I think telling you was the start of the journeey.

SheepOnRafts · 05/06/2019 07:43

I’m glad she is seeing a therapist.
I recommend she do the Freedom Programme if she hasn’t already. Either online or in a group.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Lovemusic33 · 05/06/2019 07:46

Please don’t feel guilty. I was raped when I was 15 by my boyfriend, he went on to hit me (in public), I still never told anyone that he had raped me many times. I eventually told my mum when he was killed in a accident, she was going on about how sad it was that he was dead and I had to tell her the truth. We don’t talk about it, I don’t want too, it was a part of my life that obviously effected me but I don’t let it eat me up inside.

As for pressing charges? I agree that it’s not wort dragging it all up for your dd. There will be no evidence so a conviction is unlikely. The process of reporting a rape is not a great experience (I went through it recently after being raped by another partner), I would never chose to go through it again unless I had clear evidence.