found out my daughter was raped

[rainydays52]

It goes without saying this post is going to be about rape, just want to forewarn.

My DD confessed recently that many years ago, when she was 14 (she's 29 now) she was raped by her then boyfriend. Needless to say I was horrified and lamenting the fact I didn't know at the time.
Me and my DH knew about the relationship, we never liked the boyfriend and never left them alone together, his mother was also supposedly supervising when she was at their house.
After the relationship ended she told me he'd beaten her up and physically abused her many times, and I had noticed bruises all over her body before but she had made excuses at the time. Now I feel sick with guilt that I didn't protect her.
It turns out she was in denial about the rape for a long time because she'd let him kiss her, but then when he tried it on with her and she said No, he held her down by force and raped her.
She lost her virginity by rape and she said she blacked out from the pain....It's too unbearable to think about.
It's also relevant to point out he was 17, almost 18. so a three and half year age gap.
I wish to god we could get him locked up for what he did to my daughter but she says it's pointless to go to the police, there's no proof and it was all too long ago. I don't want to press her but the sense of injustice is huge.
We know that whole family still live down the road, the b*stard in question is now married with four kids, now doubt enjoying his life.
I just want to know what others here on MN would do in my position.

My dear friend confided in me 5 years ago that she had been raped and physically abused over a period of 8 years by an ex.
She did go to the police and he was escorted from his place of work to be video interviewed for 48 hours. Unfortunately no charges were pressed but he did receive orders not to go within an area of her house and workplace and other restrictions.
if he is working with children she may want to consider involving the police.

I'm so sorry, OP.

When I was raped, I was a little older than your DD, but like your DD, I only began processing it when I was nearing my 30s. I went to therapy at 30 and addressed it, and told some people I trusted what had happened (my best friend, and my then partner). I have not told my parents and do not know if I will.

If I did tell my parents, I wish they would react as you have reacted - with care and concern - but also respect my decision to not go to the police and make a court case out of it, because I couldn't do it. My rapist also went on to marry and has a child. We are still friends on Facebook. This may sound absurd to you - it does to me, but it also works for me. I am in a place that I can acknowledge what he has done, what happened to me, and that he was in the wrong and committed a crime against me. I cannot hate him or want revenge. But that is me.

My point is, be guided by your daughter's response and do not push her.

i was sexually abused rather than raped but personally found trial just as if not more traumatic than the original abuse. in fairness to them the police were great but the process is not and i have been left very disillusioned and cynical about how we treat rape and sexual abuses. i will say though having my mum's support has been a big help to me. mosac offers support to women in your position - my mum found them really useful. i wish you and your daughter all the best and hope she's able to find peace and healing

This is so true. I was so inexperienced, and my parents never spoke about sex, ever, except to put the fear of God into me about being one of those girls who "got herself pregnant" (hmm), that I had no idea really what a healthy sexual relationship was supposed to be like.*

Agree entirely. My father - as well has using the phrase ‘got herself pregnant’ - also used to use the even more delightful phrase ‘get yourself raped’ - as in, ‘be careful at the party tonight, don’t get yourself raped.’

It’s only as an adult that I understood what an utterly vile turn of phrase it was!

I hate to say this but there may have been (or may yet be) others. She is right that it’s probably too late for a conviction but having the allegation on his file may help a future conviction. Obviously it all depends on what she feels ready to do and what she wants to do. As an aside please don’t blame yourselves. I knew a few girls who were raped as teenagers. There is no way their parents would have known. Like your daughter they didn’t even acknowledge what happened at the time. It’s sadly very common and not your fault.

I agree with others. Support her in what she wants to do but please don’t pressure her to go to the police. She’s right, the chance of a conviction is incredibly low and the whole process is traumatic. It may do her a lot more harm than good. Just keep doing what you’re doing, be there for her when she needs you. I understand the sense of injustice but reporting him and it not going anywhere would just increase that feeling. I speak from personal experience on that.

Just hug her. And let her know you love her and that she will always have a place with you. And whatever she wants to do about it, support her 100%.
It's good she's getting counselling and maybe you should as well. You're working through something that you don't know what to do with the information and you need somewhere (not your daughter) to rage against the world.