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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about “dropping in” friends

40 replies

mybeebop · 05/06/2019 04:14

my DH has several of these. Friends that randomly drop in of an evening to socialise with him. I have never had girlfriends who do this. Any get togethers with women I know have to be booked and planned in advance as everyone needs to organise childcare. I’d absolutely love some drop in friends. Friends who randomly text me and say “I’m round the corner, can I pop in” AIBU to want that? Do other women have that? If you have that, how do you get it!?!?

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 05/06/2019 04:24

This would be my worst nightmare op

However, if this is something you would like then a simple "open door policy" would be your best bet.
Let friends know that you're open to visits without notice at a reasonable hour and maybe drop into conversation that if they are in the area then they are most welcome to drop in.

One of my best friends is like this. She is so welcoming to anyone who just happens to drop by. I only live 2 houses away anyway so don't tend to give her notice and she does the same but she has 3dc with varying degrees of SN and I am in awe of how little she is phased by this. I would see it as a bit of an intrusion. She is a lot more sociable than me though.

Original poster

mybeebop · 05/06/2019 04:45

Thanks for the advice. Having thought about it more, I think that’s one of the issues. I don’t have good enough friends where we live (didn’t grow up here, fairly recent move) to feel comfortable with other women dropping in. I’ve really struggled to make friends where we live (and been burned a few times by new friends) but my DH hasn’t. Maybe I’m just being too wary and putting people off 🤔

OP posts:

Ihatehashtags · 05/06/2019 06:29

I love people dropping in! I’d have. I issue with it at all.

LL83 · 05/06/2019 06:46

I dont have time to pop in on the off chance friend is available I would always text first. My best friend who I have known since age 5 lives a 5 min drive away and I still wouldn't pop in.

Even my sister who I see 3 times a week and lives very nearby, we dont pop in without texting first because it is too much hassle to organise kids and pop over for them not to be in.

So may not be because you are new. Accepting people aren't popping in you should look for another way to socialise, regular coffee/dinner/book club etc. Once you have closer friends they might pop in but dont take it personally if they dont. Good luck.

Drogosnextwife · 05/06/2019 06:50

I have friend here that I've had for 25 years and I would hate if they just dropped in on m. It's bad enough when my parents do it!

KC225 · 05/06/2019 06:58

I hate people dropping in as I am never 'guest ready'. I don't keep biscuits/snacks in the house because I will scoff them so I hate the 'just thought I'd pop in brigade'

Oblomov19 · 05/06/2019 07:00

I am in a group of 4 long term friends, who live in neighbouring streets, in a WhatsApp group with often daily postings/messages, and we arrange times to meet up, go out, get together in each other's houses for wine etc.

But we also pop in aswell.

Is that something that you want?

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 05/06/2019 07:11

My worst nightmare tbh

FinallyHere · 05/06/2019 07:23

Who would 'drop in' without getting in touch to find out whether you are in?

I love having visitors, am always welcoming in a take us as you find us way but cannot remember anyone ever just arriving rather than phoning or texting first.

Marinkazurie · 05/06/2019 07:25

No! I would hate that.

Beautiful3 · 05/06/2019 07:28

I would hate that. I like pre arranged visits so the house is tidy and I'm not in pjs!

Halloumimuffin · 05/06/2019 08:24

Noone is welcome in my home without checking with me beforehand. So horribly intrusive and annoying.

Storytell · 05/06/2019 08:32

Well, you’ve answered your own question, surely. You don’t have friends locally that you would want to drop in. Plus, it’s a divisive issue, as this thread shows — once you have better friends in the vicinity, you may need to be explicit that you’d like them to come in.

However, be aware that either being the dropper-in or the droppee just doesn’t work for a lot of us. I’m out at work all day, then it’s a mad dash of childminder pick-up, making dinner, homework, bathtime and spending time with DH etc. Weekends are different, but we quite often go away or have friends to stay.

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 08:55

I hate people "dropping in", the message is that their time is more important than mine. My house is as guests-ready as it will ever be, I like it welcoming and tidy for the people who live in it!, so on that aspect it's fine, but I am busy.

Pre-kids, it was ok (either I was home or I wasn't), now we have homework, sleepovers, clubs, projects, work to finish and everything needs to slot in our "free" time at home. The one evening we are all home might be the one we reserved for my kid to work on their big project because that's the only one time they have that week.

I have an open-door policy WITH WARNING nowadays . We have friends staying around most weekends, but we've scheduled for them.

Point is, I think many people are exactly like me, busy and it's considered quite rude to just drop in. If you want people, tell them but you are probably better off inviting them on a specific day to start.

Damntheman · 05/06/2019 09:39

My only friends who do this are male :p So that's probably your way forward. Befriend more men!

I am .. not that keen on drop in visits myself. I like to know what my day will look like and don't cope well with sudden change. But then, certain friends seem to manage to drop in visit without upsetting me so now I'm no longer sure what my actual perameters are anymore...

Original poster

mybeebop · 05/06/2019 10:05

Thanks for all the advice. Really interesting to read all the different opinions. I wonder if it’s a female thing because a lot of the women I know that I’ve asked about it say they want to be “house ready” for visitors so need notice to clean the downstairs loo for example. My DH and his male drop in friends don’t even consider that as being a thing. The only thing my DH might do is make sure he’s got a stash of beer in just in case of sudden visitors. He wouldn’t stick the hoover round! I’ve got a group of school mum friends coming over one eve next week and it’s advance notice and I’m already thinking about what to buy/clean in preparation. Interesting 🤔

OP posts:

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 10:08

they want to be “house ready” for visitors so need notice to clean the downstairs loo for example.

that's so common on MN, and probably in real life, but I can't for the life of me understand the reasoning behind it.

Either you are happy with your home, so why should you make any change. Or you are not, and why would you wait for visitors instead of having a pleasant environment for the people who actually spend their life there?

hereiam19 · 05/06/2019 10:11

I have a few friends who live in my park that call in unannounced however anyone further afield will usually message (unless they are already close by) one of my friends who calls in unannounced does not like people calling with her unannounced and would go as far as to keep you chatting at the door. None of us have kids though so this probably makes a difference

MRex · 05/06/2019 10:24

I'm pretty much open house and used to have neighbours dropping in at my old house. Since having DS though I prefer to have a text first to arrange convenient times, because I don't want visitors at naptimes. The house used to be pristine pre-DS of course, now people must put up with whatever mess there is, butt it isn't usually too bad. It annoys me when people can't stick to a schedule now where it wouldn't have phased me before. If we say lunch at 12/1pm, don't turn up at 2pm expecting lunch because babies eat on schedule and DS is going for a breastfeed and a nap so I can't speak to you at all.

LoafofSellotape · 05/06/2019 10:26

I have friends who drop in and if I'm passing I might call in.

I like it 😊

Pinkvoid · 05/06/2019 10:28

This sounds awful... I’d hate it!

Lllot5 · 05/06/2019 10:30

Interesting that women are thinking how clean the house is and men are thinking about beer!
I don’t really have any friends. Not an issue.

NorthEndGal · 05/06/2019 10:32

We have friends and family that just drop in, none of us planned it that way, or went looking for people who were comfortable with it though! We are also the people who leave the door unlocked, and our people know not to bother knocking, just walk in and shout a hello!

I try and make sure the house is always welcoming, and that there is always a few bits of baking around, so we can always offer a tea or coffee, and a bit to nibble.

If people show up unexpectedly, and I am busy, I have no shame in saying, pull up a chair and keep my company while I finish my tasks.

It helps we live on a central location as well, so we are convenient for people to get to.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 05/06/2019 10:33

My mum was very anal about people "dropping in"....she hated it. And I mean, hated it. Only child and it was a lonely existence. Not even my friends were allowrd to drop in, unless SHE had prior warning. I've got an open door policy with my friends AND my kids friends. House is always full and I bloody love it

Duckyneedsaclean · 05/06/2019 10:34

I have friends who drop in/I drop in on. We live very close to each other though, so if someone showed up and it wasn't convenient there's no problem just going home again.

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