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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always on the edge of their family unit

40 replies

TheOutsideratnumber23 · 04/06/2019 16:53

I’m a step mum to two teenagers. It’s not the easiest family dynamic, I am/was child free. Their dad takes on most of their care as over the years i’ve tried everything from trying too hard to disengaging and failed. My marriage is good and I’m not prepared to throw it away despite its ups and downs.

So the latest gem is that DH and I had words, just a small disagreement, it was over in minutes and over something so stupid. I asked him to rejoin us at the table and he was having a man sulk and walked into another room. Jokingly and so lightheartedly I said under my breath “dickhead” and laughed. Ten mins later he was back like nothing had happened.

Last night (a full week after this event) he tells me I’m out of order for calling him a dickhead! I honestly had to be reminded of when it had happened.

The kids aged 19 and 18 had told him that I’d said it to them and made it into a deal that didn’t happen! He’s not happy and the three of them are now self righteous whilst I’m made to feel like I’ve stolen sweets from a baby!

Now I’m furious, why would they do that? It’s been like this for years, they’re always trying to force me to the outside. I wasn’t the OW and been in their lives since they were 5 and 6.

OP posts:
Divgirl2 · 04/06/2019 16:55

Teenagers are dickheads. I recommend a time consuming out-of-the-house hobby.

Original poster
TheOutsideratnumber23 · 04/06/2019 17:05

😂thanks, good tip!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/06/2019 17:09

Do they live with you?

Singlenotsingle · 04/06/2019 17:13

The dickheadedness is obviously hereditary.

CripsSandwiches · 04/06/2019 17:15

I was going to say YWBU if the kids were 8 and 10 but they're adults now. I think DH is enabling them a bit. I would probably avoid the house a bit when they're there to give them space with just their dad but also insist DH supports you as his wife when you're all together.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2019 17:18

I hope you're not personally losing out financially here, OP. I hope you have separate finances. That would bug the life out of me otherwise if the relationship was like that.

Uzicorn · 04/06/2019 17:21

Are they ganging up on you, OP?

HiJuice · 04/06/2019 17:31

I don't think it's on to criticise someone else's parents. If someone you didn't particularly like called your dad a dickhead how would you respond? Remember the children's first loyalty is to their father.
To be honest, even if you were their mother, this would not be a good way to speak about their father to them. It shows a lack of loyalty to your partner which reflects really badly on you.

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2019 17:55

Not kids, young adults. Won't they go to uni soon? Why doesn't he take them away sometimes? You'll always be outside, but they will have less contact and will grow up hopefully.
He needs to look at not being disrespectful too. Hard work.

supersop60 · 04/06/2019 18:25

My dcs would have told their dad if I'd called him a dickhead. (even if he was which he often is)
It's nothing to do with being on the edge of the family.

supersop60 · 04/06/2019 18:26

strike- through fail.

BackforGood · 04/06/2019 18:29

I agree with supersop60 - that isn't to do with being 'on the edge of the family'.
As parents, you don't criticise each other to your dc. End of.

SandyY2K · 04/06/2019 19:16

You shouldn't have called him a dickhead where his DC could hear you. That's the sort of thing you say in your mind.

I guarantee that if a man posted this same scenario, he wouldn't get the support you have here.

Believe me I say a lot of things about DH (in my head) when he ticks me off and I would never say those things where our DC could hear.

He gets on my nerves or he's a bit crazy, is the very most I'd say.

CripsSandwiches · 04/06/2019 19:21

To be fair I wouldn't have issue with the kids telling their it's the fact that their dad is entertaining it by turning into an argument a week later. He should have just brushed it off and explained that you were having a bit of a tiff and you didn't actually mean anything by it.

MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 19:31

Maybe they don't like you? I cant stand my step mother, and would have been the first person to drop her in it!

Original poster
TheOutsideratnumber23 · 04/06/2019 20:32

They clearly don’t like me, but it’s mutual. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Lovewineandchocs · 04/06/2019 20:39

You know what? They’re 18 and 19, not children. If it were me, I’d own it, I’d say “Yes DH, I called you a dickhead because you were acting like one. And?” But then, I have limited patience with that sort of thing, plus I don’t have stepchildren so the dynamic may be different, but if I had kids of that age and they told DH I’d called him that I’d say yes, so??? Grin

AliceRR · 04/06/2019 20:40

It’s probably not ideal you called their Dad that, especially if you think they are difficult or gang up on you (you have them the ammunition), but you are human and these things happen. I don’t really have any advice I just wanted to say I am a SM and I understand how it feels to be on the outside.

To those saying it’s the same as if they were OP’s DC too, it’s not. That feeling of your partner teaming up against you with their children (adults, in this case) is really difficult to deal with

Lovewineandchocs · 04/06/2019 20:43

To those saying it’s the same as if they were OP’s DC too, it’s not. That feeling of your partner teaming up against you with their children (adults, in this case) is really difficult to deal with

Yes fair enough, I get that.

Original poster
TheOutsideratnumber23 · 05/06/2019 11:29

Thanks everyone, it’s so different to a situation where they’re you’re own children. It genuinely feels like they are all “ganging” up, it’s horrible.

OP posts:
FleetwoodStorms · 05/06/2019 11:37

As parents, you don't criticise each other to your dc. End of

End of? Oh right, that's everyone told then Hmm

OP- you were just making an off hand comment to two other adults at the table but they've behaved like silly kids.
Sod 'em. I'd take up going for a long walk with an audio book, a bike ride or the gym when they or your DH are acting like dickheads this.

Original poster
TheOutsideratnumber23 · 05/06/2019 12:36

Thanks Fleetwood, it always makes me smile when posters right “end of”, like that’s the end of it because they say so 😂

OP posts:
supersop60 · 05/06/2019 18:23

It's very sad that you've felt like this for 13 years. Does your DH do anything to support you? or does he not see a problem?

Original poster
TheOutsideratnumber23 · 05/06/2019 22:06

DH isn’t a bad man but he doesn’t do much to support this situation, he really doesn’t see a problem.

OP posts:
Lolly25 · 06/06/2019 03:08

You say they dont like you and the feelings mutual...have they had to always deal with this vibe coming from you? If so, then I can understand your husband siding with them.
Also, I agree with not insulting your partner in front of kids/adults, whether you are the natural parent or not. It's really hurtful to hear something being said a out your parent.