Always on the edge of their family unit

[TheOutsideratnumber23]

I’m a step mum to two teenagers. It’s not the easiest family dynamic, I am/was child free. Their dad takes on most of their care as over the years i’ve tried everything from trying too hard to disengaging and failed. My marriage is good and I’m not prepared to throw it away despite its ups and downs.

So the latest gem is that DH and I had words, just a small disagreement, it was over in minutes and over something so stupid. I asked him to rejoin us at the table and he was having a man sulk and walked into another room. Jokingly and so lightheartedly I said under my breath “dickhead” and laughed. Ten mins later he was back like nothing had happened.

Last night (a full week after this event) he tells me I’m out of order for calling him a dickhead! I honestly had to be reminded of when it had happened.

The kids aged 19 and 18 had told him that I’d said it to them and made it into a deal that didn’t happen! He’s not happy and the three of them are now self righteous whilst I’m made to feel like I’ve stolen sweets from a baby!

Now I’m furious, why would they do that? It’s been like this for years, they’re always trying to force me to the outside. I wasn’t the OW and been in their lives since they were 5 and 6.

I get there’s a backstory but in this instance you were in the wrong not them. If you want to spin PA as a joke that's your prerogative but don’t be surprised if others don’t buy into it.

How exactly did his children make it into something?

.

I have children similar ages and tbh I would try hard not to say "dickhead" if dh annoyed me but couldn't guarantee I wouldn't. I think I would try harder if I had step children. But if I did say it my own kids might be annoyed at me.

They force you to the outside because you are the outside to them. They have a mum and a dad and a complicated situation (since they were in 2 different homes since they were 5+) and they don't like it much (even though they might like you well enough).

People have such strange expectations of kids after divorce when their parents enter into new relationships. It is like "not the OW so should be all great" It is actually ok for these kids not to like it.

Basically OP you shouldn't have said what you did. Your dh is being a bit of a dick and not very supportive (he could have defused the situation much better) but your stepkids are not wrong.

Mountains and molehills come to mind!

I get it you're perpetually on the outside, whether you're calling him dickhead or not.

I get it because I'm also the scapegoat so I may be projecting . Families do it when there's pressure in a family, they pick someone to, well, pick on and alienate. It's shitty, a psychological device everyone colludes in.

I have absolutely no idea what you can do about it. ime of being the family scapegoat I have absented myself from said family after fruitless years of trying to reason with them. They simply can't, or won't, see what they're doing.

imo it's bullying. Maybe you can stop being so understanding. Maybe you can get serious and make a stand. I don't mean all guns blazing - that would just feed into their bullying. But short and sharp, straight to the point: pack it in. Basically how you would stand up to any bully.

Starting with your husband.

And get this moved to Relationships?

Or stay here and get a beating.

If you don't like them, why would you imagine they like you?

I agree with springdaff. Good advice. The way to stand up to bullies isn’t to pander to them. But to be very much “so what” and / non responsive. I bet they’re like this with you very much of the time.

Being nice and kind makes you look desperate and needy. They’ve scapegoated you not just because you’re the outsider but because you’ll take it. And you’re a good tool for them to let off steam. Even your dh having a go at you about this a week later is him using you as a tool to depressurise how he’s feeling.

Basically everyone’s passing the hot potato round and you’re prepared to just take it. So it automatically gets passed to you.

Try grey rock, repeating back to him, responding with phrases like “Enough” “I’m not interested” “so what you were acting like a dick head”, even “you pull this crap regularly” if you regularly feel ganged up on.

Great advice from springydaff and Mummyoflittledragon.

Your DH doesn’t sound too great for not supporting you. Do the kids live with you full time?

I got an allotment and a shed...and joined a gym. And may have developed a bad red wine habit on a Wednesday when they are round. And they are nice and I actually get on OK with them...but I'll never be one of them.

Wow, a week later? Man can hold a very little grudge!

I've never really liked tattle tales much, and would think they should have grown out of it by now.

It's all a bit silly really, isn't it? Is pretty much what I'd be saying to DH.

Thanks some great advice there. It’s been years and years of trying everything and eventually accepting that I’ll never be in their “gang”. It can be incredibly hurtful.

Decimating ime. My mh is shot to pieces.

Is it worth it op? The damage is immense.

Not really springy but what’s the alternative? When they’re not around we have a pretty good life. I’m desperately hoping they’ll grow up soon, but not holding my breath as they’re true snowflakes.

Your problem is your husband. If he didn't enable this shit it simply wouldn't be happening.

You need to own it OP. The other historical issues may not be your fault, but this one was.

I was going to suggest marriage counselling, but he doesn't see an issue, so that won't help.

I have a SIL who is a SM with no DC of her own and I hope she doesn't feel like an outsider as you do. When she married DB, I noticed how she really tried to get close with my niece. Sometimes I felt she was overdoing it, but they have a great relationship 10 years on.

It's hard to know what your SC went through when their parents split up.

They probably also feel you have their dad to yourself most of the time and they want his attention when they visit.

It's probably too late now to bond with them...but have they never warmed to you way back then?

I'd probably plan to be away for their next few visits. A break might help.