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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is hubby unPC 'rape' joke totally inacceptable? Where do I go from here?

45 replies

charleroi70 · 04/06/2019 14:52

My hubby can be on the 'unPC side' as a general traits- he seems a bit stuck in the 80's in his way of thinking at times - but this time, he pushed it too far as far as I am concerned and am curious to understand how you would have reacted and/or if you feel I am being unreasonable for feeling this way? Let me give you a bit of context: one of our neighbour (in his 50's, lives with his mum) made slightly odd comments in the past about our baby girl and whilst he is a friendly guy, I keep my distance. However last week, we were away and I had a friend coming to stay and the only person I could leave the keys with was this same neighbour. During our holidays, hubby asked me if my friend (attractive female) had got the keys and I told him that all had gone well and that the guy had given them to her. He goes on to saying: 'I bet he tried to rape her'.... I was really shocked by this comment and told him at the time that it was not acceptable to say such things. A few days have passed and I have got thinking about it more and am seriously appauled, shocked and disappointed. His answer is: 'it was just a joke as the guy is a bit 'pervy'. He also said: ' I am sorry you took the comment this way'. I don't think my reaction is anything but normal, the comment is what was totally out of order and I 'took it' how it came out. Part of me cannot help but wonder if he has un-healthy views of male/female relationships and also if he finds my friend a little too attractive. When I confronted him he went on to say: it was because i thought this lonely odd guy would see this blond turn up after the wedding she went to and that he probably had never had a woman like that ring his bell. I feel powerless as his explanations in a way make it all seem worse.... what to do from here?

OP posts:
Pgqio · 04/06/2019 14:58

Ew, I'm afraid rape jokes are a deal breaker for me.

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2019 14:58

Trying to play devils advocate (which is pretty hard), have you had conversations about how pervy this neighbour is? Maybe that’s where it’s come from? Not that rape jokes are funny.

I wouldn’t read that he fancies your friend unless there’s more than you’ve said.

Ringdonna · 04/06/2019 14:59

Ach, he spoke before his brain was in gear and apologised so no big deal.

Chickychoccyegg · 04/06/2019 15:01

sounds like a stupid , ill thought out joke, you've told him how you feel about it, so hopefully he wont do it again, I'd forget about it now.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2019 15:01

He wouldn't joke about being raped himself, would he? He wouldn't think that was funny at all.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 04/06/2019 15:02

I wouldn't personally make a bigger deal out of this now. He said something silly, apologised and unless there are bigger issues in your relationship, I would forget about it.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2019 15:03

I don’t know - if I thought someone was super creepy I might say something similar. Its more about how creepy the neighbour is isn’t it? I’m usually the first to judge an off-colour joke but this doesn’t seem the same.

TemporaryPermanent · 04/06/2019 15:04

Wouldn't like it, glad he apologised. I wouldn't take it further than that personally.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/06/2019 15:05

I think it was a stupid remark that was aimed at the neighbour rather than condoning rape. I don’t like it and would not be impressed if my DH said it. However, I would see it as the end of the continuum of isn’t the neighbour pervy comments.

SomethingAboutNothing · 04/06/2019 15:06

Sounds like a comment about the strangeness of the man next door more than anything else. Poorly thought through yes, but it's not like he was making a joke about rape being ok if you know what I mean?

He apologises, I personally would let it go.

MoreOfADogPerson · 04/06/2019 15:06

What @HollowTalk said above.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 15:06

You've said that the guy has made weird comments & that you stay away from him so why are you surprised when DH makes a (fairly crap) joke concerning the same sort of attitude?! You've massively over-reacted and he's apologised. I'd suggest you apologise too (but I bet you won't)

arethereanyleftatall · 04/06/2019 15:09

Whilst it was an odd remark, not remotely funny, I don't think I'd be shocked, appalled or disappointed. I'd just think he hadn't engaged brain for a moment.

AllOverIt · 04/06/2019 15:10

Rape survivor here, not sure how relevant that is, but I'm usually pretty sensitive to rape 'humour'.

I'd have had the same reaction as you initially. A stupid, ill thought out joke. But that's where it would end. I wouldn't overthink it now.

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2019 15:12

Does he often make comments like this? Gross

Mysleepthiefslept · 04/06/2019 15:16

Also a rape survivor, this wouldnt be a massive issue to me, he just made a stupid flippant comment .

EKGEMS · 04/06/2019 15:28

How in the hell is a rape comment from the 1980s?

Bluetrews25 · 04/06/2019 15:36

Get a key safe.

Pinotjo · 04/06/2019 15:37

Crap joke especially in the world we live in but if hes generally a good guy I'd cut him some slack, we all say stupid things sometimes

GraceSlicksRabbit · 04/06/2019 15:39

It was stupid and unfunny but he just used the wrong vocabulary- if he had said something like - “I bet he tried it on with her”? Would you have been bothered. Not excusing his stupidity at knowing which words are appropriate and which are not, but not fundamentally problematic and you can bet your arse he’ll never do it again now you have pointed it out to him.

But if you want him to drag himself out of the 1980s you might want to stop calling him “hubby”- yuck.

PianoTuner567 · 04/06/2019 15:42

Meh, just a joke about how creepy the neighbour is, no big deal.

The more surprising thing in your story is that you left your house key with a man you keep a distance from because he’s creepy and was weird about your child?!

WhatsInAName19 · 04/06/2019 15:50

This is not something my DH would ever say and I certainly don't think it's funny or witty in any way. It seems it's part of a wider problem that you have with your DH's attitude and sense of humour. But judging this incident alone, I really don't think it's a huge deal. I mean, it's stupid and crass and insensitive and all of that, but it's not a "rape joke" as such. He's not making fun of rape victims or belittling the crime. It's more offensive because he has conflated someone being lonely and a bit odd with being a dangerous sexual predator (unless there's a lot more that you aren't revealing where the neighbour is concerned). To me, rape jokes are like that scumbag gym manager in Scotland who "joked" on a staff WhatsApp group that female gym goers should be raped as a punishment for being late or missing PT appointments. I don't think your DH's comment is anything like that or demonstrates the same attitude towards women and sexual violence.

MaryMcCarthy · 04/06/2019 15:50

if hes generally a good guy I'd cut him some slack,

If he's generally a good guy I don't think he'd make a joke about the neighbour (a 'friendly guy' whose only reported crime was saying something 'odd' about a baby) being an actual rapist.

EleanorOalike · 04/06/2019 15:52

Rape jokes are a deal breaker for me and I have recently kept my distance from a man who constantly made rape and un-pc jokes. I struggled to understand the mentality behind them and why he didn’t consider that some of his “audience” might have experienced rape themselves. I found him despicable to be honest.

In this case, I see the “joke” as being more of a comment on the creepiness of the man rather than the woman being the butt of a joke. Tbh I wouldn’t see it as a joke but more a comment on the man. Sometimes people express their true thoughts about people via these jokey comments. Gavin De Becker says stalking victims often say things like “see you on Monday, if I’m not dead by then” or refer to people being rapists or murderers in a jokey way prior to their own death or murder at the hands of the person they were “joking” about. Maybe your husband actually had genuine concerns and this was his (immature, daft) way of expressing them?

I’d express my distaste and warn him that you won’t accept rape jokes from him in the future but I wouldn’t end everything over this particular comment.

EleanorOalike · 04/06/2019 15:53

I meant “rape” or murder!

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